Chapter 9 Interpersonal Comm

Conflict management skills

- Attend to relationship level of meaning -communicate supportively - Listen mindfully -take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and issues -check perceptions -look for points of agreement -look for ways to preserve the other's face -imagine how you'll feel in the future

4 things that are needed for interpersonal conflict to be present

- expressed tension - incompatible goals -interdependence -felt need for resolution

Differences within social communities

-Amish, gender, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity may influence orientations toward conflict

What are the four passive aggressive games?

-Blemish -NIGYYSOB -Mine is worse than yours -Yes but

true or false -The presence of conflict does not indicate that a relationship is unhealthy or in trouble

true, it is more about how partners manage the conflict

Later stages of unproductive conflict communication

- as a result of the first two stages each persons proposals tend to be met with counter proposals -only thinking about self and not the other person -excessive meta-communication

Early stages of unproductive conflict communication -Negative climates

-as parties in conflict continue to talk, mind reading is likely. The negative assumptions and attributions reflect and fuel hostility and mistrust

Win - Win conflict

-assumes that there are usually ways to resolve differences so that everyone gains -a good solution is one that everyone finds satisfactory -compromising to find a solution that is acceptable to both parties is positively associated with satisfaction, respect, and love between marital partners.

5 Principles of conflict

-conflict is natural in most western relationships -conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly -Social groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors -conflict can be managed well or poorly -conflict can be good for individuals and relationships

Principle of Conflict -Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships

-conflict provides opportunities for us to grow as individuals and to strengthen our relationships -conflict also allows us to consider points of view different from our own -conflict can also enhance relationships by enlarging partners' understandings of one another

Lose - Lose Conflict

-conflict results in losses for everyone and that it is unhealthy and destructive for relationships - avoidance -we may have to defer our own needs or rights, and we may feel unable to give honest feedback to others --it does have its merit in some situations, like tiny arguments that arent worth the energy; such as where to eat

Principle of conflict -Social groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors

-cultural differences regarding conflict --majority of Mediterranean cultures view conflict as normal and valuable. When they argue nobody gets upset or angry it is enjoyable / Asian cultures view conflict as destructive -Differences among social communities -- Amish and Quakers tend to regard conflict as harmful --gender, race, sexual orientation may influence how one regards conflict

Principle of Conflict -Conflict can be managed well or poorly

-depending on how we handle disagreements, conlfict can either promote continuing closeness or tear a relationship apart.

Principle of conflict conflict is natural in most western relationships

-in most western relationships conflict is a normal, inevitable part of relating. -The presence of conflict does not indicate that a relationship is unhealthy or in trouble, it actually indicates that people care enough about each other to want to resolve their differences

Middle stages of unproductive conflict communication

-once a negative climate has been set, it is stoked by other unconstructive communication --Kitchen sinking- everything but the kitchen sink is thrown into the argument, a laundry list of all gripes and now everyone is overwhelmed --Frequent interruptions

principle of conflict conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly

-overt conflict is out in the open and explicit - it is direct and straightforward (also includes physical attacks) -covert conflict exists when people express their feelings about disagreements indirectly. --passive aggression is a form of covert conflict ---games

The Voice response to conflict

Active and Constructive - addresses conflict directly and attempts to resolve it -implies that people care enough about a relationship to notice when something is wrong and do something to improve the situation. -fostered by a win win orientation and takes belief in yourself and the other person to give voice to problems

Exit Response to conflict

Active and Destructive - involves physically walking out or psychologically withdrawing. -refusing to talk about a problem is an example of psychological exit -it does not address problems and is destructive

4 Responses to conflict

Exit Neglect Loyalty Voice

The Loyalty response to conflict

Passive and Constructive -involves staying committed to a relationship despite differences -Loyalty may be appropriate if tolerating differences isn't too costly -silent allegiance that doesn't actively address conflict

The Neglect response to conflict

Passive and destructive - denies or minimizes problems "you're making a mountain out of a mole hill" -it is destructive because it doesnt resolve tension -it is passive because it avoids discussion

Cultural differences True of False -Mediterranean cultures regard lively conflict as normal, valuable part of everyday life

True

True of False -Women are more likely to want to discuss conflictual issues, whereas many men tend to avoid or minimize conflict

True

True or False -Men experience greater and longer-lasting physical harm to interpersonal conflict than women do

True

covert conflict - passive aggression

acting aggressively while denying feelings or acting aggressive -passive aggression, including games, is a dishonest, ineffective way to manage conflict

Breakdown of interpersonal conflict definition -Interdependence

conflict can only occur between people who perceive themselves as interdependent at the time of the conflict. -we may be temporarily interdependent with people in I-You relationships

Breakdown of interpersonal conflict definition -Felt need for resolution

conflict involves tensions between goals, or decisions that we feel we need to reconcile. --EX: I like small dogs and my friend likes big dogs, since we dont live together it doesnt really matter

Passive aggression and games are examples of what type of conflict?

covert

Definition of interpersonal conflict

exists when there is expressed tension between people who are interdependent, perceive they have incompatible goals, and feel a need to resolve those differences.

Breakdown of interpersonal conflict definition -Expressed tension

it is not conflict if we dont recognize disagreement or anger or if we repress it so completely that it is not expressed directly or indirectly. -Conflict exists only if disagreements of tensions are expressed

in most western relationships conflict is ___________ while is some asian cultures it is seen as destructive

natural

overt conflict is __________ and _________

out in the open, explicit

shouting, calmly discussing, intensely arguing, and physical attacks are all examples of what type of conflict?

overt

Breakdown of interpersonal conflict definition - perceived incompatible goals

we experience conflict when we perceive what we want is incompatible with what is wanted by a person with whom we are interdependent -key word is perceive

Win - Lose Conflict

- assumes that one person wins at the expense of the other. - disagreements are battles that can have only one victor - no possibility to for everyone to benefit - cultures that value individualism -Eventually one person wins but at the cost of the other and the relationship - win lose can be appropriate when we have a high desire for our position to prevail or if we dont know the other person very well

Constructive Communication stages

- early stages -- communicators confirm each other by recognizing and acknowledging each other's concerns and feelings. -Middle stages -- focus on main issues instead of kitchen sinking --no interruption -- acknowledgement --bracketing - Later stage --Contracting - building a solution through negotiation and the acceptance of parts of proposals

Early stages of unproductive conflict communication

- first 3 minutes of an argument may be the most important because they tend to set the stage for how conflict will be managed. - the foundation of unproductive communication is established by communication that fails to confirm individuals -in early stages people tend to listen poorly

Early stages of unproductive conflict comm -Cross complaining

- this occurs when one person's complaint is met by a counter complaint EX: Shannon could respond to John by saying yeah well what I want is a little more respect. That response doesnt address John's concern, it instead diverts the conversation

covert conflict - 4 games

-Blemish - one person pretends to be complimentary but actually puts another down -NIGYYSOB - person deliberatley sets another person up for a fail -Mine is worse than yours - expressing no concern for problems and is told that their problem is worse -Yes But - person pretends to be asking for help but then refuses all help that is offered