Exam 2
Seven Rules of Productive Resolution
1) Avoid the 9 negative strategies! 2) Start and remain calm—AVOID ANGER, you love the person (discussions end on the same note they start) 3) Describe your feelings, don't accuse and criticize—don't start a sentence with you, start with "I Feel" 4) Be gentle with each other—secret to solving is gentleness and politeness 5) Accept Influence (be changed by each other), instead of trying to win, try and take their perspective, don't hold your ground—metaphor for war 6) Find the real cause of the fights (see through the clutter), too much time is wasted on the symptoms, and not focusing on the one cause 7) Make and accept repair attempts—during try to smile, or hug or kind words; after NEVER GO TO BED MAD
Symbolic Inter-actionism in 10 Points
1.We have a public and private self: •Public: we creat different selves based on goals, audiences, and situation. Parents, grandparents, friends, lovers, teachers, preachers, and strangers—think about Facebook (not phony but complex communication) •Private self: real you that only you know, difficult to truly know, we have a lifetime of pondering, we only share with a few people 2.Understanding private self comes from others: not something we are born with, but it is something we can completely control. People shape us, it is formed through a lifetime of communicating with the world; we are who others have made us, vegetables otherwise. 3.When communicating with others, we are always wondering what they think of us •People are out mirrors to ourselves/reflect us—how we come to see ourselves •If we think people see us positively, we will see ourselves positively (people like me I must be good) •If people view us negatively we think we must be broken, (people hate me, I must be bad) •Overtime, we form "identity" based on what we think others think 4.Conclusions we draw during guessing process are influenced by our "current" sense of self worth •High self esteem we are more likely to assume others like us (more positive self image) •Low esteem: less likely to assume others like us (negative self image) •In turn we will influence NEXT conception of ourselves (vicious identity cycle) 5.[Poignant moment (for good or bad) can break cycle] Poignant moments com in many forms: •Big: winning (or losing) major awards and prizes (teacher of the year) no lasting impact •Small: positive or negative event/comment from professor bring picked last (small events that only matter to us) •KEY: what's significant for one person maybe irrelevant for another 6.Our sense of self is evolving and clashing with older versions of self •Stage 1: age 1-5 unconditional love from parents •Stage 2: grades 1st -10th (set up to fail) •Stage 3:11th-12th grades new peer group—defines us more •Stage 4: college years 18-29 best years? •Stage 5: adulthood (30's-40's)—life is almost perfect •Stage 6: still to come, as we get older we create a holistic composite—older versions haunt us 7.We may be wrong, our assessment to what people think of us can be entirely wrong, we trust our perception is right 8.Self-fulfilling/Defeating prophecy, how you define yourself determines your life decisions and outcomes, if defined as a loser we will make decisions that make us losers or less successful. If winners then we make decisions to make ourselves more successful KEY: how we define ourselves matter in our lives 9.Identity crises—when identity crashes with reality, common identity crises a.Hurt athlete: I was a star!! 10.Macro-social forces also influence your identity—parents, teachers, and peers are not the only ones shaping us, society spends a lot of time telling us we are too fat
Sherif's Summer-Camp Experiment
22 middle class boys who were all 12 were selected to go to "camp" and play - they were zero history group, and no previous in vs. out group divisions STAGE 1: Researchers posed as camp counselors Boys were split on 2 different teams (rattlers and eagles) Groups by themselves were tight knit, bonded Isolated from other group STAGE 2: The boys were told about other group—both groups started looking for contact and conflict, they started marking territory STAGE 3: researchers created "fun" competitions for the boys were points were awarded for winner, groups started hating each other, refused to eat in the same room as them, boys bonded more over hate for other group STAGE 4: Healing, groups were disbanded and tried to unite them had series of "urgent situations" where the groups had to work together, finally simmered down The 2 groups had no prior history of hate or mistrust****
"Prison Study"
24 upstanding Standford U males were carefully selected to play "prison" 12 were selected as guards—with power they were given symbols of power like uniforms, batons, sunglasses; then prisoners—12 with no power, stripped and given a smock, arrested at their homes and given shackles and a number; they were not told how to act (they could have just watched TV) Individuals dropped their old identity and adopted the darker group personas—guards were tyrannical and brutal, the power was too seductive, even Zimbardo was a prison warden who changed and referred to the prisoners as scum. Prisoners—became depressed, timid, withdrawn, and sick; accepted humiliating treatment from guards; buy DAY 5, FOUR prisoners had to be released No one ever quit Ended on day 6 when originally planned for 2 weeks—guards were escalating abuse at night, prisoners were getting crazed and sick. ******* Grouping temporarily undid lifetime of moral learning
5 benefits of friendships
3,000 nurses with breast cancer w/o 10 close friends they were 4X as likely to die (spouse was not associated with survival) Friendships have even better/greater effect on health than a spouse or family member 736 middle age Swedish men were studied concerning their risk of heart disease: a friendship mattered (less), wives did not matter (more), only smoking was as important People with strong friendships are less likely than others to get colds, sick, accidents, and miss work Students were taken to base of steep hill and fitted with weighted backpacks, they were asked to estimate the steepness of the hill, some were next to a friend and others were not, the one with a friend rated the steepness of the hill to be less, and the longer the friendship the less steep the hill appeared Married couples friendship is 5X important as physical intimacy for the couples happiness and longevity
Long Distant Relationships
75% of Americans will have at least one long distance relationship; after 2 years, long distance relationships are more stable and satisfied- idealized distortion (planned romantic visits), less communication= less fighting; they think more about what will be said, less task driven when face to face relationships—conflict increases, report loss of romance, only 10% view relationship more positively, 30% break up after 3 months, 4X more negative vs positive discoveries about relationship, when marry the divorce rate is higher—they don't set reasonable expectations
Nine Negative/Unproductive Strategies Most Often Used
Avoidance—avoiding the issue, its easier that way, but not productive (leaving physically or emotionally) Minimization—framing it as "No Big Deal", chill and relax, using humor to make the situation go away Blame (you started it!)—Most fights are recurring—they become long and complex histories, have become reaction to reaction to reactions Emotional silencers—"shut up!" (Males), "stop making me cry!" female sadness Stockpiling—storing ammunition—remembering every transgression from the past Belt lining (boxing term)—hit em' where it hurts, and we know just where it hurts Personal rejection—used by partner with emotional "upper hand" (I'll leave if you don't stop!), overt threats or covert implications Passive aggressiveness—when conflict arises just pout- walk around hurt, quiet, sad; turning themselves into victim Force/ violence—50% of marriages, 47% of college relationship; the threat is enough to comply
Rath's 8 ways of being a friend
Champion: sing praises, in presence, but will also stand up for you when not around Collaborator: similar interests basis for many great interests, similar ambitions in work and life Companion: always there for you in many circumstances, virtually breakable bond—first person you call when something good/big happens Builder: great motivator, pushes towards the finish line, they genuinely want you to succeed. Connector: introduces you to others, inviting you to lunch where you can meet new people Energizer: fun friends, they give you a boost, more positive moments with friends, they pick you up when you're down Mind opener: expand your horizon and encourage embrace new ideas, they ask good questions, more receptive to new ideas Navigator: friends who advice and keep you headed in the right direction, go to when you need guidance, they talk you through ups and downs
6 Recent Changes in Courting
Changes in Courting Change in premarital sex (play the field before marriage) waiting longer to get married, culture views have changed Dating has become less formal, less meaningful, it's now difficult to see if in a relationship or not Gender egalitarianism—more acceptable for women to initiate and finance dating activities (daughters more self-sufficient Waiting longer before marriage average time to get married is men: 28.4 and women: 26.5 Online love is 1 in 5 American relationships are with someone they met online (dating website) and they have a short period of courtship Inter-racial dating—ethnic 14.6% (White-Hispanic 41%, White-Asian 15%, White-Black 11%, other 33%)
10 factors/characteristics that lead a couple to success
Couple is wealthy—less stress more social freedom, more money and less likely to divorce Couple is atheist or agnostic—conservative couples marry sooner and are usually less education (get divorced early) and atheist report better sex lives Couple is college educated Couple is over 25 years old—90% of couples 21& under or 60% of couples who get married 20-25 get divorced Couples have not lived together, 65% of couples living together before marriage (stricter families, not allow divorce) Couple parents are not divorced—modeling good behavior/ more traditional Asian American—individualistic vs collective cultures Wife works outside the home—working women report a happier more fulfilled life, alternative happiness Couple is child less—more time for spoiling each other less time driving, yelling at kids The people around you stay together—behaviors are contagious, if someone you know gets divorced the likelihood goes up 147%
Contact Hypothesis
Does NOT work—we will still hang on to our stereotype by "fencing off" the individual as different or atypical We maintain our general negative stereotype of the group, while fencing off the example as special or different
Six Types of Love
Eros Love Highly passionate, sexual and intense; they often believe in "chemistry" - love as magical and intense, love as fate, love at first sight. VERY AMERICAN, and young—tough to maintain because they are passionate (marriages end in 2 years) Ludus Love Part of us that wants the fun, freedom, and not stability. This is the PLAYERS love, more MEN, more YOUNG—they keep their passions in check, avoid trouble and intensity, feel uncomfortable about commitment, keep secrets—recover fast from breakups Storge Love This is the "friend" part of GF/BF. Their love grows SLOWLY, the friendship is the defining feature of love, not very physical or sexual, FRIENDSHIP IS KEY IN SUCCESS, love can endure long periods of inactivity or excitement, very similar in PERSONALITY, values, and demographics Pragma Love The rational/logical part of romantic decisions. It is PRACTICAL, logical, and conscientious; looks for TYPES (parents, $, race, nationality, family), USA is lowest, more WOMEN than men and OLDER Mania Love The jealous/crazy side of us. Eros on steroids! Extreme highs and lows (unpredictable), they have dysfunctional behavior—co-dependency, jealousy, and obsession; they get self worth from relationship (nothing else matters) good time= happy; bad time= depressed Agape Love The good, caring, and better part of us. SELFLESS vs. selfish part of our love, the thoughts during this love are compassionate, sacrificial, unconditional love and acceptance; worry more about lover then you, no need for reward—want the best for the other person, even at own expense; most MATURE, it's like our moral IQ Sacrificing for lover Supportive during cancer or arrest
"Three Additional Points"
Importance of attractiveness decreases with age—when over 30 we look for "other things"; women are more practical than men Attractiveness is not stable Ordinary looking people with pleasing personalities can increase perceived attractiveness Physical factors become less as we stay in relationship/ as it develops we become habituated by looks Anonymity (being unseen) People who met in a dark room discussed more intimate material and felt more positive after meeting Face/face vs chat room: chat room liked each other more, and more likely to like each other more when they met in person
"Diffusion of Responsibility" and the Bystander Effect
In our heads, we believe that the blame and responsibility is divided and shared with the others in our group (if things go wrong we won't be blamed) Bystander effect: people are less likely to help if they can place (diffuse) the responsibility on someone else/ people will model the behavior around them If you're going to get robbed or have a heart attack, don't be in a crowd or single someone out
Group Polarization
Individuals (in isolation) vary greatly in their beliefs, when put in groups the group will converge ideas and move to extremes (good or bad) they have an intensified belief as a group, the new attitudes last for 2 weeks, unconsciously the attitudes intensified in groups, everyone is susceptible
Duck's 4 Phases
Intra-psychic phase—focus on partners behavior, everything is amplified, assess alternative relationships options, dreaming of better life/future, imaging life after break up Dyadic phase—undo-private bonding, confront partner "the talk" engage in heavy relationship talks (very intense), try and negotiate—still hope, sometimes too late in the game Social phase—undo public bonding- tell everyone it didn't work out, Facebook dump (harder than dyadic) Grave dressing phase—ptting dead to rest- engage in getting over activities, can have withdraws just like withdraws from drugs, also like someone dying; process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
Jane Elliot's Blue vs. Brown Eyed study
Object: to teach her kids why Dr. King was killed Divided 3rd graders into blue eyes and brown eyes, said their was as superior eye color, whenever it was their day to be superior they got special treatment and the inferior had to wear a green collar; transformed instantly—academically superior score increased (average time in flash cards 2:13) inferior groups score decreased (average time in flash cards 5:30) In group—the power to rule and control is too seductive for most humans to refuse Out group—they did not only suffer form lack of power, but also psychologically (depressed and bad grades)
Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
Our peep groups play a dominant role in shaping our identity and setting expectations for our behavior If enough people tell us we are a winner or loser, we believe them (creation of self) Study: Rapid achievers of Nancy and Bobby—they started doing significantly better, they were coached through answers and picked as leaders when they weren't before—their IQ shot up 3X higher than other students, they fulfilled the greatest that others put on them
Baxter's Testing Research
People play/test each other to assess their affection for us. 7 crazy things we do Flirt with others Act like a jerk Ask mutual friend Touch Joke about future Set other person up Separate Importance of a Kiss—men: to gain access, women: to assess potential mate Hooking Up—women: hope it will lead to something more, men: worry women will get too attracted
14 Factors influencing contact
Physical appearance—greatest predictor of number of partners Approachability (reduced change of rejection)—smile contact, not huddled with friends Warmth, friendliness, and dynamism Off limits: (a female thing)—mysterious, bad boy, dangerous, different race, vampire Sexually inviting (a male thing) If others like them (popular or coveted)—females desire for a "hypothetical ideal mate" increases from 59 to 90 when told the man was taken (but men lost interest when came to female. If we find out that they like us (it's a sure thing and they have good taste) Money and earning potential—more for women especially in the south, and for a man too much money or success is bad Humor (more important for women vs men) Mere exposer theory—the more we see you the more we like you Similarity theory—we are attracted to people who are similar to us in demographics, looks, attitudes, culture, personality, and interests (long term success=similar in attitudes and beliefs), mixed is 3X more likely to fail. Complementary theory (opposites attract)—high level of success: dissimilar in dominance (he in charge, she follows) low self esteem prefers high self esteem Too many choices—makes deciding more difficult, decreases satisfaction Ovulation (1 to 3 days before)—species driven to procreate: women more likely to cheat on partners while ovulating, women show more interest in social gatherings, choose slightly sexier clothes, men are more attracted.
2 Forms of Bonding
Private: negotiating terms (exclusivity clause)—old school "ask her to go steady" Public: telling the world you are in a relationship (Facebook announcement), exchanging public signs of love or ownership—class rings, diamonds, sweatshirts, or engagement parties, weddings—importance of bonding with community
Lee's love theory
Romantic love is comprised of 6 different ingredients (passionate, player, practical, friend, manic, selfless lovers) Most of us have all 6 love types What separates us s the degrees of each (each person is different) Degrees can change with time (in 10 years #6 can be greater than #4) Our love "pie chart" may differ with every relationship we have—in first we are insecure and passionate, in the next we are calm and relaxed (we differ because our lovers strongly influence who we are in relationships
3 Forms of Anxiety
Security—stability (female- will he leave, cheat, hurt me) Fulfillment—post buyers remorse (did I make a mistake, were there better options) Excitement—end of fun (men) commitment =boredom, media portrayal of men in relationships (bachelor parties)
How Do We Decide To Stay Or Go??
Social exchange theory, emotional scale, we wnt love, affection, friendship, security, we want low costs—no fighting, dishonesty, when the scale tips we leave—but we can't explain why people stay in bad relationships and people leave good relationships Comparison alternative theory—weigh best of all real and potential options and pick the best—why someone would leave a good relationship Expectation fulfillment—if relationship meets expectations=satisfied, on a blind date we don't really have expectations, so we would rate it a 7 and good, but with Mr. Right where we would have high expectations we would rate it a 7 and bad because we had higher expectations Equity theory—all want fairness, want as much out as we out in, when we are being cheated we are unhappy
four differences between same sex friendships
Talk between women focus on internal topics vs. men which it revolves around external topics: men are not personal talkers, knowledge of external world shows masculinity, only 1 in 20 discuss feelings, they don't report feeling empty, alcohol helps initiate talk; women: talk about feelings, loved ones, drama, internal focus more depressed and longing Communication is central to women vs. activities central to men: women: love talking or talking and shopping, their worth of friendship is show how much intimate talk or self disclosure, men: could go long times w/o sharing constant contact, men do things with each other (drinking, sports) talking is a limited way to be close, women are found in groups of 2 (dyads) men work best in groups, males friends less likely to last if move away Men assume friendship value and seldom discuss the relationship vs. women more likely to express affection and discuss dynamics or relationship: women tell their friends how much they mean to them, lots of maintenance, women discuss nature complexity, strengths, weaknesses of friendship; men: rarely tell each other they are valued, they joke, punch, compete, back slap; men avoid introspection and analysis after disagreements (expected to get over it) they show affection when drunk or to the opposite sex Women's friendships are broader in scope to include all aspects of life vs. men friendships on area of interest and are less encompassing and more guarded: women: share more aspects of lives, don't restrict to certain areas but everything is open for discussion; men: resist scope and areas of interaction, friends rarely mix, men more likely keep secrets, brag about good, not bad, male friends often surprised by divorce or illness
Risky-Shift Phenomenon
The old belief was that we were embarrassed to misbehave in front of others, but now the new belief is that groups take more risks; groups free us to be more risky or dangerous—Groups take bigger "less- thoughtful risks" Formal: Group think—challenger explosion/ invasion of Cuba/ Watergate Informal (social): UK's 96 national championship, tipped over LEX 18 news van, even with the camera filming they lost all intelligence
Behavioral Contagion Theory
There are 4 parts (people who would never normally steal, loot, fight—DO) Be in a group context Secretly wish to act out (the devil) Feel inner constraints (the angel) Visually observing one or more act out—break the dam
"Politeness Principle"
•Be sweet, soft, deferential, invisible, quiet, modest, unsture and childlike •And cute, thin, young, alluringly sexy (but not a whore) •If not you will be shunned for being un-lady like
5 Gender Differences that separate men and women
•Status (external) vs. Support (internal Males are external and status driven, they talk to increase their status—want people to know how much they know, how funny they are, or how good their "game" is. KEY: men disconnect with others by their greatness—alpha male. Females are internal and support oriented, they want to be more nurturing and supportive, they disclose with others. KEY: women want to connect by their sameness. •Independence vs. Intimacy Males are taught to value independence, as boys they are encouraged to get up and be independent; don't ask for help, do it yourself, which also effects health care and why men don't go till it's almost too late. Females are taught to value intimacy, as children they are given nurturing toys, they also liked to be held more; they also really value relationships—women depend on one another •Advice vs. Understanding Males are taught to take charge, be a leader and FIX problems—if he can't he might feel like a failure, fixing is external, they do not develop communication skills to be empathetic till later Females want to understand problems that they are faced with, they don't always need a man to fix it, they want to understand it, they want men to listen to them—a shoulder to cry on or someone to complain with—do not want to be told what to do. •Orders vs. Proposals Males direct through orders, but they expect to be challenged, they want to be strong or confident and never grovel or beg for what they want—other men will push back on; they want the individual focus, status, and leadership. Females communicate through polite proposals but except compliance—hate to sound too bossy, harsh, or combative, often requests that are what they actually what they want to have done; it illustrates focus on others and connection—not competition, avoiding conflict •Conflict vs. Compromise Males are taught that conflict is acceptable, they are always challenging or wanting to debate or argue; in response to conflict men are taught to stand up or fight back—part of male social life Females are taught that conflict is negative, collective focused is less confrontational, conflict disrupts relationships—women are told not to be pushy b/c then no one will like you. KEY: conflict in all cases is taken more seriously
Lakoff: Know 8 of her 10 findings/differences
•Tag questions- don't you think? •Disclaimers- I don't want to upset you, but... •Vocal-question inflections- high pitched ending •Excessive nodding- over politeness/attentiveness •Excessive laughing/ giggling- overly pleasant •Talk in public settings and decision-making meetings •Be critical in appraisals- women grade easier •Express opinions passionately •Change topics- managing a conversation
Tannen's Gender Differences in 3 Everyday Communication Events
•Telling a story: Men are always the heroes! They try to one up in response to other males, they have lots of external descriptions—to the point of the story Females are the buffoon, they connect through vulnerability, sharing degrading stories; they focus on the internal feelings and relationships of people there which leads to long stories •Listening: Females give more positive feedback and support, they interrupt to share internal support, and are very empathetic. Males see interruption by other males as combat (individualism), they are very defensive listeners trying to see what they can one up the guy on—weaknesses •Asking questions: Men ask questions as challenges—not usually a real question, more of a challenge; usually don't ask questions because its seen as lack of independence Females ask questions to establish connections—support and relational; also ask questions to learn, it's a conversational stagey to build relationships
