Final for interpersonal comm

Styles of Loving

-Agape -Storage -eros -Pragma -Ludus -Mania

Conflict Management Skills

-Attend to the Relationship Level of Meaning-Conflict situations, like all other communication encounters, involve both the content level and the relationship level of meaning. Yet many of us tend to focus on the content level of meaning: the issues or the problem. -Communicate Supportively From our discussion in Chapter 8, you'll recall that supportive interpersonal climates are cultivated by communication that is descriptive, provisional, spontaneous, problem oriented, empathic, and egalitarian -Listen Mindfully You already know that mindful listening is a very important interpersonal communication skill. This is especially true in conflict because we may not want to consider the other person's ideas or criticisms of our ideas. Even when you disagree with someone's thoughts, actions, goals, or values, you should show respect for the person by paying attention and seeking to understand him or her. -Take Responsibility for Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Issues I language is a cornerstone of effective conflict management. Own your feelings: "I feel angry when you are late" instead of "You make me angry with your lateness." It's also important to own your thoughts and your issues. -Check Perceptions Perceptions are easily distorted when conflict is afoot. You may see another person's position as more extreme than it is; you may think someone is immature or unreasonable; you may be inclined to engage in self-serving bias -Look for Points of Agreement- During conflict, we tend to focus on disagreements or ways we differ from another person. Although we should acknowledge and deal with real differences, we should also look for points of agreement. -Look for Ways to Preserve the Other's Face In Japan and some other-Asian cultures, face is a central concept. Your face is the image of yourself that you want others to see and believe -Imagine How You'll Feel in the Future- noted that one of our symbolic abilities is hypothetical thought. Among other things, this capacity allows us to imagine ourselves in the future and to respond to the future self that we imagine

External Obstacles

-Message Overload-We often feel overwhelmed by the amount of information we are supposed to understand and retain. To deal with the overload, we often screen the talk around us, much as we screen calls on our answering machines, to decide when to listen carefully and when to attend more superficially -Message Complexity-The more detailed and complicated the message, the more difficult it is to follow and retain it. People for whom English is a second language often find it hard to understand English speakers who use complex sentences with multiple clauses or slang expressions. -Noise-A third impediment to effective listening is physical noise. Perhaps you've been part of a crowd at a concert or a game. If so, you probably had to shout to the person next to you just to be heard. Although most noise is not as overwhelming as the roar of crowds, there is always some noise in communication situations. It might be music or television in the background, other conversations nearby, pagers that are beeping, or thunder or traffic sounds from outside.

Dimensions of Romantic Relationships

-Passion -Commitment -Intimacy

Internal Obstacles

-Preoccupation When we are absorbed in our own thoughts and concerns, we can't focus on what someone else is saying. Perhaps you've attended a lecture right before you had a test in another class and later realized you got almost nothing out of the lecture. That's because you were preoccupied with the upcoming test. Or maybe you've been in conversations with coworkers and realized that you weren't listening at all because you were thinking about your own concerns -Prejudgment Another reason we may not listen effectively is that we prejudge others or their communication. Sometimes we think we already know what is going to be said, so we don't listen carefully. -Reacting to Emotionally Loaded Language-words that evoke strong responses, positive or negative. You may find some words and phrases soothing or pleasant. Certain other words and phrases may summon up negative feelings and images for you. When we react to words that are emotionally loaded for us, we may fail to grasp another person's meaning. -Lack of Effort-It is hard work to listen mindfully—to focus closely on what others are saying, to grasp their meanings, to ask questions, and to give responses so that they know we are engaged. It's also hard to control situational noise and perhaps fight fatigue, hunger, or other physiological conditions that can impede listening. -Failure to Adapt Listening Styles- the need for different listening styles. How we listen should vary, for two reasons. First, different skills are needed when we listen for information, to support others, and for pleasure.

Speaking in Generalities

"I feel bad." "I'm happy." "I'm sad." Statements such as these do express emotional states, but they do so ineffectively. Why? Because they are so general and abstract that they don't clearly communicate what the speaker feels. Does "I feel bad" mean the person feels depressed, angry, guilty, ashamed, or anxious? Does "I'm happy" mean the speaker is in love, pleased with a grade, satisfied at having received a promotion, delighted to be eating chocolate, or thrilled about an upcoming vacation?

E v a l u a t i o n v e r s u s Description

Few of us feel what Gibb called "psychologically safe" when we are the targets of judgments. Communication researchers report that evaluative communication evokes defensiveness

Be Mindful

First, it's important to choose to be mindful. Don't let your mind wander when information gets complicated or confusing. Instead, stay focused on the information, and take in as much as you can. Later, you may want to ask questions about material that wasn't clear even when you listened mindfully.

Differences between Verbal and Nonverbal Communication

Nonverbal Communication Tends to Be Perceived as More Believable-Most people believe that nonverbal communication is more reliable than verbal communication in expressing true feelings Nonverbal Communication Is Multichanneled-Nonverbal communication often occurs simultaneously in two or more channels, whereas verbal communication tends to take place in a single channel. (Channels are means of transmitting messages—for instance, sound through airwaves, and facial expressions through light waves.) Nonverbal Communication Is Continuous-Verbal symbols start and stop. We say something or write something, and then we stop talking or writing. However, we continuously adjust our posture and facial expressions. Furthermore, nonverbal features of environment, such as lighting or temperature, are ongoing influences on interaction and meaning.

Similarities between Verbal and Nonverbal Communication

Nonverbal communication is similar to verbal communication in four respects: it is symbolic, it is rule-guided, it may be intentional or unintentional, and it reflects culture.

Trust

Two dimensions: - Confidence that others will be dependable - Assumes emotional responsibility Develops gradually and in degrees Depends on: - Individual histories - Family scripts - Willingness to take risk

Safety Needs

We also meet safety needs through communication. If your roof is leaking or if termites have invaded your apartment, you must talk with the property manager or owner to get the problem solved so that you have safe shelter

Certainty versus Provisionalism

We communicate certainty by using language that is absolute and often dogmatic. This kind of language suggests that there is one and only one answer, valid point of view, or reasonable course of action. Because certainty proclaims one absolutely correct position, it slams the door on furtherdiscussion

Acceptance

We expect friends to accept us, including our flaws With friends, we don't want to put up false fronts Being accepted by others is important to our self-worth

Selective

We invest the effort and take the risks of opening ourselves fully with only a few people.

listening for pleasure

We listen to music for pleasure. We may listen to some radio programs for enjoyment. Because listening for pleasure doesn't require us to remember or respond to communication, the only guidelines are to be mindful and control distractions. Just as being mindful in lectures allows us to gain information, being mindful when listening for pleasure allows us to derive full enjoyment from what we hear.

chilling effect

We may also restrain expression of feelings, particularly negative ones, because of what is know When we have a relationship with someone whom we perceive as more powerful than us, we may suppress complaints and expressions of dissatisfaction or anger because we fear that the more powerful person could punish us

Selection

We select to attend to certain stimuli based on a number of factors: qualities of the phenomena self-indication culture

Physical Appearance

Western culture places an extremely high value on physical appearance. For this reason, in face-to-face interactions, most of us notice how others look, and we often base our initial evaluations of others on their appearance. The emphasis Western culture places on physical attractiveness and youthful appearance contributes to eating disorders, abuse of steroids and other drugs, and the popularity of cosmetic surgery

Be Careful of Expressing Judgments

When listening to help another person, it's usually wise to avoid judgmental responses, at least initially. Imposing our own judgments separates us from others and their feelings. We've inserte something between us. Yet there are times when it is appropriate and supportive to offer opinions and to make evaluative statements. S

separation

When we separate dialectics, we assign one dialectical need to certain spheres of interaction and the opposing dialectical need to other aspects of interaction. For instance, employees might work independently on most tasks but operate very interactively and openly on specific teams.

Nonverbal Communication Is Rule-Guided

Within particular societies, we share general understandings of which nonverbal behaviors are appropriate in various situations and what they mean. Smiling generally is understood to express friendliness, and scowling normally is perceived as indicating displeasure of some type Within particular societies, we share general understandings of which nonverbal behaviors are appropriate in various situations and what they mean. Smiling generally is understood to express friendliness, and scowling normally is perceived as indicating displeasure of some type

Control Obstacles

You can also minimize noise in communication situations. You might shut a window to mute traffic noises or adjust a thermostat so that the room's temperature is comfortable. You should also try to minimize psychological distractions by emptying your mind of concerns and ideas that can divert your attention. Let go of preoccupations and prejudgments that can interfere with effective listening. In addition, it's important to monitor the tendency to react to emotionally loaded language. We have to make a very deliberate effort to cultivate an inner silence that allows us to listen fully to others.

Self-disclosure

can both build and reflect trust between people. is the intentional revelation of personal information about ourselves that others are unlikely to discover in other ways. According to researchers who have studied communication between intimates, self-disclosure is a key gauge of closeness among Westerners

Framing Rules

define the emotional meaning of situations. For instance, Western culture defines funerals as sad and respectful occasions. Within any single culture, however, there are multiple social groups and resulting ways of framing events. For example, many Irish Americans hold wakes when a person dies. A wake is a festive occasion during which people tell stories about the departed person and celebrate his or her life

punctuation

defines beginnings and endings of interaction episodes To punctuate communication, we define when interaction begins and who starts it. When we don't agree on punctuation, misunderstandings may arise. If you've ever heard children arguing about who started a fight, you understand the importance of punctuation

Prototypes

defines the clearest or most representative example of some category For example, if Jane is the best friend you've ever known, then Jane is your prototype of a friend.

environmental spoiling

denotes situations in which proximity breeds ill will. This happens when we're forced to be around others whose values, lifestyles, or behaviors conflict with our own

environmental spoiling

denotes situations in which proximity breeds ill will. This happens when we're forced to be around others whose values, lifestyles, or behaviors conflict with our own.

linear models

depicted communication as a linear, or one-way, process in which one person acts on another person.

intrapsychic processes

during which one or both partners begin to feel dissatisfied with the relationship and to focus their thoughts on its problems or shortcomings.

individuality

each of us is an individual with particular needs, goals, love styles, perceptual tendencies, and qualities that affect what we look for in relationships. Our choices of people with whom to begin a romance are influenced by our personal histories and our identities, including our attachment styles

Primary Styles of Love

eros, storge, and ludus.

speech community

exists when people share norms about how to use talk and what purposes it serves Speech communities are defined not by countries or geographic locations but by shared understandings of how to communicate

Specificity

explains behavior in terms of whether the behavior has global implications that apply in most or all situations ("He's a big spender") or specific implications that apply only in certain situations or under certain conditions ("He spends a lot of money on clothes."). A

Intimacy

feelings of closeness, connection, and tenderness. Intimacy is abiding affection and warm feelings for another person. It is why partners are comfortable with each other and enjoy being together even when there are no fireworks.

Intimacy

feelings of closeness, connection, and tenderness. Intimacy is abiding affection and warm feelings for another person. It is why partners are comfortable with each other and enjoy being together even when there are no fireworks. When asked to evaluate various features of love, people consistently rate companionate features such as getting along and friendship as most important. Although passionate feelings also matter, they are less central to perceptions of love than caring, honesty, respect, friendship, and trust

Endorsement

involves accepting another's feelings or thoughts For example, you could endorse by saying, "It's natural to be worried about the LSAT when you have so much riding on it. I know what going to law school means to you." We disconfirm others when we don't accept their thoughts and feelings. If you respond to the friend by saying, "How can you worry about the LSAT when the country is on the verge of war?" you reject the validity of the expressed feelings

Trust

involves believing in another's reliability (that he or she will do as promised) and another's effort to look out for our welfare and our relationship. Trust doesn't come automatically in relationships. Usually, it is earned over time: We learn to trust others as they prove that they are reliable, show that they care, and make the investments to enrich the relationship.

Self-talk

is communication with ourselves. We engage in self-talk when we do emotion work. We might say, "I shouldn't feel angry" or "I don't want to come across as a wimp by showing how much that hurt." Thus, we may talk ourselves out of or into feelings and out of or into ways of expressing feeling

Monopolizing

is continuously focusing communication on ourselves instead of listening to the person who is talking. Two tactics are typical of monopolizing. One is conversational rerouting, in which a person shifts the topic back to himself or herself. For example, Ellen tells her friend Marla that she's having trouble with her roommate, and Marla reroutes the conversation with this response: "I know what you mean. My roommate is a real slob. And that's just one of her problems! Let me tell you what I have to live with. . . ." Rerouting takes the conversation away from the person who is talking and focuses it on the self.

Equity

is fairness, based on the perception that both people invest equally in a relationship and benefit similarly from their investments. Equity theory does not accept social exchange theory's assumptions that people demand equality and measure the rewards and costs to decide whether to stay in a relationship. Instead, it says that whether a relationship is satisfying and enduring depends on whether the people in it perceive the relationship as relatively equitable over time. In other words, people are generally satisfied if they are in relationships with people who contribute about as much as they do to the aspects of family life that matter to them.

Ambushing

is listening carefully for the purpose of attacking a speaker. Unlike the other kinds of nonlistening we've discussed, ambushing involves very careful listening, but it isn't motivated by a genuine desire to understand another. Instead, ambushers listen intently to gather ammunition they can use to attack a speaker. Krista listens very carefully to her teammate Carl as he describes a marketing campaign. When Carl finishes, Krista pounces: "You said we could get a rough draft of the whole campaign by the end of the month. You forgot that we lose 2 workdays for the annual retreat next week. Besides, your plan calls for some outsourcing. Where are you getting the funds for that?" Krista's response shows that she listened to Carl's ideas not to understand them and work with him but to identify weak spots and attack them.

Pseudolistening

is pretending to listen. When we pseudolisten, we appear to be attentive, but really our minds are elsewhere. We engage in pseudolistening when we want to appear conscientious, although we really aren't interested or when we are familiar with what is being said so do not need to give concentrated attention

Empathy

is the ability to feel with another person, to feel what she or he feels in a situation. Person-centeredness is a cognitive skill that allows us to connect as well as we can based on efforts to understand another

Perception

is the active process of creating meaning by selecting, organizing, and interpreting people, objects, events, situations, and other phenomena. Note that perception is defined as an active process. Perception consists of three processes: selecting, organizing, and interpreting. These processes are continuous, so they blend into one another. They are also interactive, so each of them affects the other two. For example, what we select to perceive in a particular situation affects how we organize and interpret the situation

Totalizing

occurs when we respond to a person as if one label (one we have chosen or accepted from others) totally represents who he or she is. We fix on one symbol to define someone and fail to recognize many other aspects of that person. Some people totalize gay men and lesbians as if sexual orientation were the only facet of their identities

unknown area

of information about ourselves that neither we nor others know. This consists of your untapped resources, your untried talents, and your reactions

listening for information

our goal is to gain and evaluate information. We listen for information in classes, at political debates, when important news stories are reported, and when we need guidance on everything from medical treatments to directions to a new place. In each case, we listen to gain and understand information in order to act appropriately.

high-contact cultures

people are less territorial. For instance, many Brazilians stand close together in shops, buses, and elevators,and when they bump into one another, they don't apologize or draw back

Self

perceptions is ourselves.

Interactive models

portrayed communication as a process in which listeners give feedback,

I-It Communication

we do not acknowledge the humanity of other people; we may not even affirm their existence. Sometimes we do not treat salespeople, servers in restaurants, and clerical staff as people but only as instruments to take our orders and deliver what we want.

Acknowledgment

what another feels, thinks, or says Nonverbally, we acknowledge others by nodding our heads or by making eye contact to show we are listening. Verbal acknowledgments are direct responses to others' communication. If a friend says, "I'm really scared that I blew the LSAT exam," you could acknowledge that by paraphrasing: "So you're worried that you didn't do well on it, huh?" This paraphrasing response acknowledges both the thoughts and the feelings of the other person. This explains why communication researcher René Dailey

listening to support others

when we listen to a friend's worries, hear a romantic partner discuss our relationship, or help a coworker sort through a problem

symbols

which are arbitrary, ambiguous, abstract representations of other phenomena. For instance, your name is a symbol that represents you. The word house is a symbol that stands for a particular kind of building. Love is a symbol that represents certain intense feelings.

relational dialectics

which are opposing forces, or tensions, that are continuous and normal in personal relationships. Although these tensions are normal, they can be frustrating if we don't understand them and if we don't label them as normal.

locus

which attributes a person's actions to internal factors ("He has no patience with people who are late") or external factors ("The traffic jam frustrated him").

stability

which explains actions as the result of stable factors that won't change over time ("She's a Type A personality") or unstable factors that may or will be different at another time ("She acted that way because she has a headache right now").

surface acting

which involves controlling the outward expression of emotions rather than controlling feelings. Parents who emphasize surface acting teach children to control their outward behaviors, not necessarily their inner feelings. For example, children learn that they should say "thank you" when they receive a gift and that they should not hit a friend who takes a toy.

selective listening

which involves focusing only on particular parts of communication. As we've noted, all listening is selective to an extent because we can't attend to everything around us. With selective listening, however, we screen out parts of a message that don't interest us and rivet our attention to topics that do interest us. For example, students become highly attentive when a teacher says, "This will be on the test." Employees zero in on communication about raises, layoffs, and holidays. People who own beach property become highly attentive to information about hurricanes.

deep acting

which involves learning what they should and should not feel. For instance, children may be taught that they should feel grateful when given a gift even if they don't like the gift. Many children are taught that they should not feel angry when a friend takes a toy. Deep acting requires changing how we perceive Claus Christensen/Getty Images and label events and phenomena.

Remembering

which is the process of retaining what you have heard. According to communication teachers Ron Adler and Russell Proctor (2014), we remember less than half of a message immediately after we hear it.

symbols are abstract

which means that they are not concrete or tangible. Words stand for ideas, people, events, objects, feelings, and so forth, but they are not the things they represent we discussed the process of abstraction, whereby we move farther and farther away from concrete reality. As our symbols become increasingly abstract, the potential for confusion mushrooms. One way this happens is through overgeneralization. Couple counselor Aaron Beck

interactive view of emotions

which proposes that cultural rules and understandings shape what people feel and how they do or don't express their feelings

conformity orientation

which refers to the extent to which family members are expected to adhere to a family hierarchy and conform in beliefs. Families differ in how much they expect members to respect hierarchy, particularly parental authority and in how much they expect family members to avoid conflict by agreeing (or acting as if they agree). In families that have high conformity orientation, there is little overt conflict and lines of authority are respected. Families with low conformity orientation experience more disagreement and conflict, and children are more or less likely to adhere to all of their parents' beliefs and values.

linguistic determinism

which states that language determines what we can perceive and think

responsibility

within personal control and beyond personal control

Silence

"I'm not speaking to you" actually speaks volumes. We use silence to communicate different meanings. For instance, it can symbolize contentment when intimates are so comfortable they don't need to talk. Silence can also communicate awkwardness, as you know if you've ever had trouble keeping conversation going on a first date. In some cultures, including many Eastern ones, silence indicates respect and thoughtfulness

personal construct

"mental yardstick" we use to measure a person or situation along a bipolar dimension of judgment Examples of personal constructs are intelligent-not intelligent, kind-not kind, responsible-not responsible, assertive-not assertive, and attractive-not attractive.

Relationship-Level Meanings

-Responsiveness: One dimension of relationship-level meaning that is often conveyed by nonverbal communication is responsiveness. Key to responsiveness is immediacy, which is behavior that increases perceptions of closeness between communicators. In face-to-face interaction, immediacy behaviors include smiling, making eye contact, head nodding, and attentive posture. Online, we may communicate responsiveness by using emoticons to convey feelings and by replying immediately to an instant message or to comments in a chat room -Liking-Nonverbal behaviors often are keen indicators of how positively or negatively we feel toward others. Smiles and friendly touching convey positive feelings, whereas frowns and belligerent postures express antagonism Reflecting the values of feminine socialization, women, in general, sit closer to others, smile more, and engage in greater eye contact than men -Power-We use nonverbal behaviors to assert dominance and to negotiate for status and influence For instance, bosses touch secretaries far more often than secretaries touch bosses

The Family Life Cycle

-Stage 1: Establishing a Family During this phase, a couple settles into a committed relationship and works out expectations, interaction patterns, and daily routines for their shared life. Partners get accustomed to living together. For couples who are married, spouses get used to the labels "wife" and "husband" and to the social and legal recognition of their union. -Stage 2: Enlarging a Family A major change in many families' lives is the addition of children. The transition to parenthood typically brings a whole array of joys, problems, challenges, and new constraints for the couple. It also introduces new roles. In addition to her identities as wife or partner and probably a worker, a woman also becomes a mother. A man becomes a father in addition to his identities as a husband or partner and probably a worker. -Stage 3: Developing a Family Parent-child relationships are critical influences on children's identities (Socha & Stamp, 2009; Socha & Yingling, 2010). Recall from Chapter 2 that attachment styles develop in a child's first human relationship, which is usually with a parent, and that parent is more often the mother than the father. A consistently loving, attentive parent cultivates a secure attachment style in the child. Other attachment styles are fostered by other patterns of caregiving. Parents also shape children's selfconcepts through labels ("such a sweet little girl," "such a big, strong boy") and identity scripts that make it clear who children are and are supposed to -Stage 4: Encouraging Independence As children enter adolescence, they tend to seek greater autonomy. This is a natural part of their effort to establish identities distinct from those of their parents. Often, this stage involves some tension between parents and children. Parents may feel hurt by the children's reduced interest in being with the family. Also, parents may not approve of some of their children's interests, activities, and friends. Children may feel that parents are overly protective or intrusive. For children, this is a very important phase in personal development. They are learning to be less dependent on their families, which is essential to becoming a healthy adult. Ideally, parents realize that their children need to try their wings, and they encourage progressive independence—while keeping a watchful eye. -Stage 5: Launching Children Launching is a time of vital change for most families. Children leave home to go to college, marry, or live on their own. When the last child leaves home, parents, who for 18 years or more have centered their lives around children, now find themselves a couple again. For parents, this can be an abrupt change. For instance, if there is only one child (or twins or triplets) in the family, when that child leaves, the parents become a couple. For parents who have more than one child, the children tend to leave home at different times, so the adjustment to a smaller family is more gradual. For the children, who are now young adults, this is a time of increased independence and self-discovery. -Stage 6: Postlaunching of Children After the departure of children from the home, partners have to redefine their marriage. This period can be a time of lower satisfaction between partners if the couple is out of practice in engaging each other outside of their roles as parents. The partners have more time for each other but that may be a blessing, a curse, or both. For some couples, this is a time of renewed love—a second honeymoon—as they enjoy being able to focus on their paired relationship and not having to plan around children's schedules. Many couples find the "empty nest years" the happiest in their marriages because there are fewer stresses and more couple time -Stage 7: Retirement Retirement brings about further changes in family life. Like other changes, those ushered in by retirement can be positive or negative. For many people, retirement is a time to do what they want instead of focusing on earning a living. Many people who retire are highly active, often volunteering in community groups, traveling, and taking up new hobbies or interests. For other people, retirement may evoke feelings of boredom and lack of identity. Individuals whose sense of self-worth is strongly tied to their work may feel unanchored when they retire. Naturally, this discontent can foster tension in the marriage.

Unproductive Conflict Communication

-The Early Stages-The first three minutes of an argument may be the most important because they tend to set the stage for how conflict will be managed The foundation of unproductive conflict is established by communication that fails to confirm individuals. If John says, "I want us to spend more time together," Shannon may reply, "That's unreasonable." -The Middle Stages-Once a negative climate has been set, it is stoked by other unconstructive communication. People often engage in kitchen-sinking, in which everything except the kitchen sink is thrown into the argument -The Later Stages-The early and middle stages didn't lay the proper groundwork for an effective discussion of solutions. As a result, each person's proposals tend to be met with counterproposals. The self-preoccupation that first surfaced in the early phase persists now, so each person is more interested in pushing his or her solution than in considering the other person

The Nature of Friendship

-Willingness to Invest-We expect to invest time, effort, thought, and feeling in our friendships, and we may also invest materially by lending or giving money, gifts, and other items of value. The investments that we make tend to stoke our commitment to friendships. -Emotional Closeness-Emotional intimacy grows out of investments, such as time, talk, and shared experiences. As people spend time together, they tend to become more comfortable being together and to have an increased sense of bonding. Although most people agree that closeness is central to friendships, sex and gender influence how we experience and express intimacy with friends. -Closeness through Dialogue-For some people, communication is the centerpiece of friendship. This is especially true for people socialized in feminine speech communities, which emphasize talk as a primary path to intimacy. In general, women see talking and listening—face-to-face or via social media— as the main activities that create and sustain closeness -Closeness through Doing-A second way to create and express closeness is by sharing activities. Friends enjoy doing things together and doing things for one another. Closeness through doing often is the primary, but not the only, emphasis in men's friendships

Script

. A script is a guide to action. Scripts consist of sequences of activities that are expected of us and others in particular situations. For instance, if your parents often engaged in bitter, destructive quarreling, you may have learned a script for conflict that can undermine relationships. If you grew up in a community that treated people of certain races negatively, you may want to assess that script critically before using it to direct your own activities

Organize Information

A fifth technique for increasing retention is to organize what you hear. For example, suppose a friend tells you he's concerned about a current math course that he's finding difficult. Then he wonders what kind of jobs his history major qualifies him for and whether graduate school is necessary to get a good job, and says he needs to line up an internship for this summer. You could reduce the complexity of this message by regrouping the stream of concerns into two categories: short-term issues (the math course, setting up an internship) and long-term issues (jobs for history majors, graduate school).

Self-Protection

A second reason we may not express our feelings is that we don't want to give others information that could affect how they perceive or act toward us. We fear that someone will like us less if we say that we feel angry with him or her. We worry that coworkers will lose respect for us if our nonverbal behaviors show that we feel weak or scared.

Autonomy/Connection

All of us experience tension between the desire to be autonomous, or independent, and the desire to be close, or connected, to others. Friends and romantic partners want to spend time with each other, to have joint interests, and to talk personally. At the same time, they need to feel that their individuality is not swallowed up by relationships

Protecting Others

Another reason we often choose not to express feelings is that we fear we could hurt or upset others or cause them to lose face.

Cultural and Social Expectations

As we have noted, what we feel and how we express it are influenced by the culture and social groups to which we belong. Gender socialization seems particularly important in shaping feelings and the expression of them. In the United States, men are expected to be more restrained than women in expressing most emotions

Ask Questions

Asking a speaker to clarify or elaborate the message may help you understand information you didn't grasp at first; it also deepens insight into content that you did comprehend. "Could you explain what you meant by . . .?" and "Can you clarify the distinction between . . .?" are questions that allow you to extend your understanding. Questions compliment a speaker because they indicate that you are interested and want to know more.

Physical Needs

At the most basic level, humans need to survive, and communication helps us meet this need.

External pressures on friendships

Competing demands-Friendships exist within larger social systems that affect how they function. Our work and our romantic relationships tend to be woven into our everyday lives, ensuring that they get daily attention. The early stages of a career require enormous amounts of energy and time. We may not have enough time or energy left to maintain friendships, even those that matter to us. Personal changes-Our friendships change as our lives do. Although a few friendships are lifelong, most are not. If you think about your experiences, you'll probably realize that you gained and lost friends as youmade major transitions in your life Geographic distance-Most friendships face the challenge of distance, and many don't survive it. A majority of North Americans have at least one long distance friendship - Friends of the heart-who remain close regardless of distance and circumstances - Friends of the road-who change as we move along the road of life

protective families

Conflict is avoided, and children are expected to adhere to parents' values, beliefs, and decisions, which may undermine open and honest communication between parents and children

organiztion

Constructivism -we organize and interpret experience by applying cognitive structures called schemata Prototype Personal construct Stereotype Script

Environmental Factors

Environmental factors are elements of settings that affect how we feel and act. For instance, we respond to architecture, colors, room design, temperature, sounds, smells, and lighting Rooms with comfortable chairs invite relaxation, whereas rooms with stiff chairs induce formality. Dimly lit rooms can set a romantic mood, although dark rooms can be depressing.

Culture

Every culture has values, norms, and ways of interacting that most members follow.

organismic view of emotions

Have you ever felt a knot in your stomach when you got back an exam with a low grade? If so, you experienced a physiological reaction. Early theorists believed that we experience emotion when external stimuli cause physiological changes in us

Pressures on friendships

Internal tensions -Relational dialectics-which are opposing human needs that create tension and propel change in close relationships. The three dialectics of connection/autonomy, openness/privacy, and novelty/familiarity punctuate our friendships, prompting us to adjust continually to natural yet contradictory needs. Friendships can be strained when -Diverse communication styles-Friendships may also be strained by misunderstandings that arise from diverse cultural backgrounds. Because our communication reflects the understandings and rules of our culture, misinterpretations may arise between friends from different cultures. For instance, in many traditional Asian societies, people are socialized to be modest, whereas American culture encourages celebration of ourselves. Thus, someone born and raised in Japan might perceive an American friend as arrogant for saying, "Let's go out to celebrate my acceptance to law school. -Sexual attraction-Friendships between heterosexual men and women or between gay men or between lesbians often include sexual tension

Personal Knowledge

Interpersonal communication fosters personal knowledge and insights. To connect as unique individuals, we have to get to know others personally and understand their thoughts and feelings.

Language Allows Self-Reflection

Just as we use language to reflect on what goes on outside of us, we also use it to reflect on ourselves. According to Mead (1934), there are two aspects to the self. First, there is the I, which is the spontaneous, creative self. The I acts impulsively in response to inner needs and desires, regardless of social norms. The Me is the socially conscious part of the self that monitors and moderates the I's impulses. The Me reflects on the I from the social perspectives of others. The I is impervious to social conventions and expectations, but the Me is keenly aware of them. In an argument, your I may want to hurl a biting insult at someone you don't like, but your Me censors that impulse and reminds you that it's impolite to put others down.

Principles of Verbal Communication

Language and culture reflect each other •The meanings of language are subjective •Language use is rule-guided Communication rules -Regulative rules -Constitutive rules •Punctuation shapes meaning

Language Can Degrade Others

Language can be used to degrade and dehumanize others. Children often taunt each other by name-calling. Beyond childhood, degrading language continues. One form of degrading language is hate speech, which is language that radically dehumanizes members of particular groups.

Superiority versus Equality

Like many of the other communication behaviors we've discussed, the final pair of behaviors that affect climate is most pertinent to the relationship level of meaning. Communication that conveys superiority says, "I'm better." Understandably, we feel disconfirmed when people act as if they are better than we are

Control versus Problem Orientation

Like strategies, controlling communication attempts to manipulate others. Unlike strategies, controlling communication tends to be relatively overt. A common instance of controlling communication is a person's insistence that her or his solution or preference should prevail.

Nonverbal Communication Is Symbolic

Like verbal communication, much nonverbal communication is symbolic, which means that it is arbitrary, ambiguous, and abstract. Thus, people may attach different meanings to a wink. Depending on the context and the people involved, a wink might express romantic interest, signal a joke, or indicate that there is something in the person's eye.

Nonverbal Communication Reflects Culture

Like verbal communication, nonverbal behavior is shaped by cultural ideas, values, customs, and history. Just as we learn our culture's language, we also learn its nonverbal codes. For example, in the United States and many other countries, a handshake is the conventional way to begin and end a business meeting. Although nonverbal communication reflects cultural values and understandings, there may be some universal nonverbal behaviors. Paul Eckman, a noteworthy scholar of nonverbal behavior, demonstrated that people from a range of Western and Eastern cultures agree on the meaning of facial expressions of anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise

Nonverbal Communication May Be Intentional or Unintentional

Like verbal communication, nonverbal communication may be deliberately controlled. For example, you may carefully select clothes to create a professional impression when you are going to a job interview. Yet nonverbal communication may also be unconscious and unplanned. Without awareness, you might wince or lower your eyes when asked a tough question by the interviewer.

Support

Listening to problems Letting them know they aren't alone Being available

Strategy versus Spontaneity

Most of us feel on guard when we think others are manipulating us or being less than open about what's on their minds. An example of strategic communication is this: "Would you do something for me if I told you it really mattered?" If the speaker doesn't tell us what we're expected to do, it feels like a setup. We're also likely to feel that another is trying to manipulate us with a comment such as, "Remember when I helped you with your math last term and when I did your chores last week because you were busy?" With a preamble like that, we sense a trap. When employees think supervisors are trying to manipulate them, they become defensive

Symbolic Abilities

Our ability to use symbols allows us to live in a world of ideas and meanings. Instead of just reacting to our concrete environments, we think about them and sometimes transform them. Philosophers of language have identified five ways that symbolic abilities affect our lives

laissez-faire families

Parents and children have limited interaction, children are inclined to be relatively independent of parents, and family members may not feel close bonds. Both conversation and conformity orientations are low.

Neutrality versus Empathy

People tend to become defensive when others respond to them in a neutral or detached manner. Neutral communication is often interpreted as a lack of regard and caring for others. Consequently, it does not feel validating to most of us.

Influences on Perception

Physiology-One reason perceptions vary among people is that we differ in our sensory abilities and physiologies. If you are tired or stressed, you're likely to perceive things more negatively than you normally would. For instance, a playful insult from a coworker might anger you if you were feeling down but wouldn't bother you if you were feeling good. Expectations-Our expectations also affect what we notice (Bargh, 1999). Imagine that a friend tells you she wants you to meet a "really cool guy. He's funny and considerate and so easy to talk to. I know you'll like him." It's likely that you'll expect to like the new person and will perceive the good qualities your friend has called to your attention. Age-Age is another factor that influences our perceptions. Compared with a person of 20, a 60-year-old has a more complex fund of experiences to draw on in perceiving situations and people. Culture- Social Location-n We are affected not only by the culture as a whole but by particular social groups to which we belong (Hallstein, 2000; Haraway, 1988; Harding, 1991; Wood, 2005). A standpoint is a point of view that grows out of political awareness of the social location of a group—the material, social, and symbolic conditions common for members of a social group. People who belong to powerful, high-status social groups have a vested interest in preserving the system that gives them privileges; thus, they are unlikely to perceive its flaws and inequities. Conversely, those who belong to less-privileged groups are able to see inequities and discrimination Roles-Both the training we receive to fulfill a role and the actual demands of the role affect what we notice and how we interpret and evaluate the role

Not Owning Feelings

Stating feelings in a way that disowns personal responsibility is one of the most common obstacles to effective expression of emotions

Be Mindful

The first requirement for effective relationship listening is mindfulness. You'll recall that this was also the first step in listening for information and pleasure. When we're interested in relationship-level meanings, however, a different kind of mindfulness is needed. Instead of focusing on information, we concentrate on what lies between and behind the content in order to understand what another is feeling, thinking, needing, or wanting in a conversation.

Constructive Conflict Communication

The Early Stages The foundation of constructive management of conflict is established long before a specific disagreement is aired. Climate, which is the foundation both of conflict and of the overall relationship, sets the tone for communication during conflict. Once an argument is starting, it's critical to start it productively. Remember what we noted when discussing unproductive conflict: The first three minutes of an argument may be the most important because they establish the foundation for what will follow -The Middle Stages The positive groundwork laid in the early phase of conflict supports what happens as people dig into issues. calls agenda building, which involves staying focused on the main issues. When partners keep communication on target, kitchen-sinking is unlikely to derail discussion. -The Later Stages-n the culminating phase, attention shifts to resolving the tension. Whereas in unproductive conflict this involves meeting proposals with counterproposals, in constructive conflict people continue to collaborate. Keeping in mind that they share a relationship, they continue using dual perspective to remain aware of each other's viewpoints. Instead of countering each other's proposals, they engage in contracting, which is building a solution through negotiation and the acceptance of parts of proposals.

Recognition

The most basic form of confirmation is recognizing that another person exists For example, you might not look up when a coworker enters your office. A parent who punishes a child by refusing to speak to her or him disconfirms the child. Doctors who don't look at patients or introduce themselves to patients fail to recognize their patients, which is disconfirming

rational-emotive approach to feelings

The relationship between thoughts and feelings led a therapist Ellis was known for his dramatic style and for pushing, pushing, pushing his clients. He firmly believed that people whom many clinicians diagnosed as neurotic were not neurotic but only suffering from irrational thinking. He often described this as stupid thinking on the part of smart people

Novelty/Predictability

The second dialectic is the tension between wanting routine or familiarity and wanting novelty in a relationship. All of us like a certain amount of routine to provide security and predictability in our lives. Yet too much routine becomes boring, so we need occasional new or novel.

Openness/Closedness

The third dialectic is a tension between wanting open communication and wanting a degree of privacy, even with intimates. With our closest partners, we self-disclose in ways we don't with coworkers and casual acquaintances. Yet we also desire some privacy, and we want our intimates to respect that. Completely unrestrained expressiveness would be intolerable

Secondary Styles of Love

The three secondary styles of love are pragma, mania, and agape

Defensive Listening

Thelma bakes a cake for her friend Louise's birthday. When Louise sees the cake, she says, "Wow, that's so sweet. My mom always made a special cake for my birthday, and she would decorate it so elaborately." Thelma replies, "Well I'm sorry that I didn't decorate the cake extravagantly. I guess I still have a lot to learn about cooking." Thelma's response illustrates defensive listening, which is perceiving personal attacks, criticism, or hostility in communication that is not critical or mean-spirited. When we listen defensively, we assume others don't like, trust, or respect us, and we read these motives into whatever they say, no matter how innocent their communication may be.

I language rather than you language

There are two differences between I language and you language. First, I language accepts personal responsibility, whereas you language projects it onto another person. Second, I language is more descriptive than you language. You language tends to be accusatory and abstract. This is one of the reasons it's ineffective in promoting change. I language, on the other hand, provides concrete descriptions of behaviors we dislike without directly blaming the other person for how we feel.

Dual Perspective

This involves being person-centered so that you recognize another's perspective and take it into account as you communicate. communication is not a solo performance but a relationship between people. Awareness of others and their viewpoints should be reflected in how we speak. For instance, it's advisable to refrain from using a lot of idioms when talking with someone for whom English is a second language.

reframing

This is a complex and transformative strategy in which partners redefine contradictory needs as not in opposition. My colleagues and I found an example of this when we studied differences between intimate partner

counterfeit emotional language

This is language that seems to express emotions but does not actually describe what a person is feeling. For example, shouting "Why can't you leave me alone?" certainly indicates that the speaker is feeling something, but it doesn't describe what she or he is feeling. Is it anger at a particular person, frustration at being interrupted, stress at having to meet a deadline, or the need for time alone? We can't tell what feeling the speaker is experiencing from what he or she said

Use Aids to Recall

To understand and remember important information, we can apply the principles of perception we discussed in Chapter 3. For instance, we learned that we tend to notice and recall stimuli that are repeated. To use this principle to enhance your retention, repeat important ideas to yourself immediately after hearing them. Repeating names of people you meet can save you the embarrassment of forgetting their names. Another way to increase retention is to use mnemonic

Revising communication

although not a stage in the development of all romantic relationships, is important when it does occur. During this stage, partners come out of the clouds to look at their relationship more realistically. Problems are recognized, and partners evaluate whether they want to work through them.

Pluralistic families

are high on the dimension of conversation and low on conformity. Communication is open, all family members are encouraged to express their thoughts and feelings, and agreement among family members is not required or compelled. Parents respect their children's views and decisions, even if they do not agree with them

Emotions

are our experience and interpretation of internal sensations as they are shaped by physiology, perceptions, language, and social experiences. Although researchers vary in the degree to which they emphasize each of these influences, most people who have studied emotions agree that physiology, perceptions, social experience, and language all play parts in our emotional lives.

Committed romantic relationships

are relationships between individuals who assume that they will be primary and continuing parts of each other's lives. These relationships are voluntary in mainstream Western culture although marriages are arranged in some cultures. We don't pick our relatives, neighbors, or work associates, but in Western countries we do choose our romantic intimates

Communication rules

are shared understandings of what communication means and what kinds of communication are appropriate in particular situations. For example, we understand that people take turns speaking, that flaming can get us kicked out of some chat rooms, and that we should speak softly in libraries.

Investment

are what we put into relationships that we could not retrieve if the relationship were to end. When we care about another person, we invest time, energy, thought, and feelings in interaction. We may also invest materially by spending money, giving gifts, and so forth. In workplace relationships, we also invest time, energy, thought, and feeling and often give material assistance to coworkers

Pragma

as the word suggests, is pragmatic or practical love. Pragma blends the calculated planning of ludus with the stable security of storge. Pragmatic lovers have clear criteria for partners, such as religious affiliation, career, and family background.

Symbols are ambiguous

because what they mean isn't clear-cut. The term affordable clothes means different things to people who earn the minimum wage and to people who are affluent. A friend of mine learned that there are regional differences in the meanings of words while visiting me in North Carolina.

Consensual Families

have high conversation orientation and high conformity orientation. In consensual families, communication tends to have substantial depth and breadth. Parents encourage children to express their ideas and feelings, yet once everyone has had their say, parents expect and encourage children to adhere to the parents' values and beliefs

Consensual families

have high conversation orientation and high conformity orientation. In consensual families, communication tends to have substantial depth and breadth. Parents encourage children to express their ideas and feelings, yet once everyone has had their say, parents expect and encourage children to adhere to the parents' values and beliefs.

Communication Patterns

have identified two key dimensions of communication that define a family's communication style.

Mania

have the passion of eros, but they play by ludic rules—a combination that can be perilous. Typically unsure that others really love them, manics may devise tests and games (that's the ludic streak in mania) to evaluate a partner's commitment. They often experience emotional extremes, ranging from euphoria to despai

Hooking up

in some degree of sexual activity with a person with no expectation of seeing that person again, is an increasingly popular form of initial get-together. Broad surveys of college students report that 72% of both sexes have hooked up (40% intercourse; 35% kissing and touching; 12% hand and genital contact; 12% oral sex) (Blackstrom, Armstrong, & Puentes, 2012). African Americans are less likely to hook up (35%) than are Caucasian Americans (60%)

invitational communication

in which people signal that they are interested in interacting; during this stage they also respond to invitations from others."I love this kind of music,""Where are you from?" and "Hi, my name's Shelby" are examples of bids for interaction. We may also invite interaction in chat rooms or websites that are designed for meeting new people.

selection

in which we give priority to one dialectical need and neglect the other. For example, coworkers might engage exclusively in routinized communication. Some partners cycle between dialectical needs, favoring each one alternately. A couple could be continuously together for a period and then autonomous for a time.

Storage

is a comfortable, even-keeled kind of love based on friendship and compatibility. Storgic love tends to develop gradually and to be peaceful and stable. In most cases, it grows out of common interests, values, and life goals

Commitment

is a decision to remain in a relationship. Notice that commitment is defined as a decision, not a feeling

Paraphrasing

is a method of clarifying others' meaning or needs by reflecting our interpretations of their communication back to them. For example, a friend might confide, "I think my kid brother is messing around with drugs." We could paraphrase this way: "So you're really worried that your brother's experimenting with drugs." This allows us to clarify whether the friend has any evidence of the brother's drug involvement and also whether the friend is, in fact, worried about the possibility

Hearing

is a physiological activity that occurs when sound waves hit our eardrums. People who are deaf or hearing-impaired receive messages visually through lip reading or sign language. Listening has psychological and cognitive dimensions that mere hearing, or physically receiving messages, does not

Eros

is a powerful, passionate style of love that blazes to life suddenly and dramatically. It is an intense kind of love that may include sexual, spiritual, intellectual, or emotional attraction or all of these. Eros is the most intuitive and spontaneous of all love styles, and it is also the fastest moving. Erotic lovers are likely to self-disclose early in a relationship, be very sentimental, and fall in love fast. Although folk wisdom claims that women are more romantic than men, research indicates that men are more likely than women to be erotic lovers

Stereotypes

is a predictive generalization applied to a person or situation For instance, if you label someone as a liberal, you might stereotype her or him as likely to vote Democratic and support environmental protections.

Nonverbal communication

is all aspects of communication other than words. It includes not only gestures and body language but also how we utter words: inflection, pauses, tone, volume, and accent. Nonverbal communication also includes features of environments that affect interaction, personal objects such as jewelry and clothes, and physical appearance. Scholars estimate that nonverbal behaviors account for 65% to 93% of the total meaning of communication

attribution

is an explanation of why something happened or why someone acts a certain way

Mind reading

is assuming we understand what another person thinks, feels, or perceives. When we mind read, we act as though we know what's on another person's mind, and this can get us into trouble. Marriage counselors and communication scholars say mind reading contributes to conflict between people

Mindfulness

is being fully present in the moment. It's what Anna Deavere Smith teaches medical and law students. When we are mindful, we don't check text messages, let our thoughts drift to what we plan to do this weekend, or focus on our own feelings and responses. Instead, we tune in fully to another person and try to understand what that person is communicating, without imposing our own ideas, judgments, or feelings. Mindfulness grows out of the decision to attend fully to another. Physically, this is signified by paying attention, adopting an involved posture, keeping eye contact, and indicating interest in what the other person says

Paralanguage

is communication that is vocal but does not use words. It includes sounds, such as murmurs and gasps, and vocal qualities, such as volume, pitch, and inflection. Paralanguage also includes accents, pronunciation, and the complexity of sentences. Our voices are versatile instruments that give others cues about how to interpret us. Whispering, for instance, signals secrecy and intimacy, whereas shouting conveys anger. Intonations that express ridicule are closely associated with dissatisfaction in marriage

Commitment

is the intention to remain involved with a relationship. Although often linked to love, commitment is not the same thing as love. Love is a feeling based on the rewards of our involvement with a person. Commitment, in contrast, is a decision to remain in a relationship. There is a strong relationship between commitment and investments in a relationship—the more we invest in a relationship, the greater our commitment is likely to be

Communication climate

is the overall feeling or emotional mood between people—warm or cold, safe or anxious, accepting or rejecting, open or guarded—that is shaped by verbal and nonverbal interaction between people. Understanding communication climates will give you insight into why you feel relaxed and comfortable in some of your relationships and uneasy and defensive in other

Placemaking

is the process of creating a comfortable personal environment that reflects the values, experiences, and tastes of the couple

Haptics

is the sense of touch. Many scholars believe that touching and being touched are essential to a healthy life People with high status touch others and invade others' spaces more than people with less status do

neutralization

is to negotiate a balance between two dialectical needs. Each need is met to an extent, but neither is fully satisfied. A couple might have a fairly consistent balance between the amount of novelty and the amount of routine in their relationship

Passion

is what first springs to mind when we think about romance. Passion describes intensely positive feelings and fervent desire for another person. Passion is not restricted to sexual or sensual feelings. In addition to sexual feelings, passion may involve powerful emotional, spiritual, and intellectual excitement. The sparks and emotional high of being in love stem from passion. It's why we refer to feeling butterflies in the stomach and falling head over heels.

Symbols are arbitrary

meaning that words are not intrinsically connected to what they represent. The manufacturer of Dr. Pepper learned this lesson when marketing of the soft drink didn't work in the United Kingdom, where "I'm a pepper" means "I'm a prostitute"

Kinesics

refers to body position and body motions, including those of the face.Clearly, we signal a great deal about how we feel and see ourselves by how we hold our bodies. Someone who stands erect and walks confidently is likely to be perceived as self-assured, whereas someone who slouches and shuffles may be seen as lacking confidence.

conversation orientation

refers to how open or closed communication is. In families with high conversation orientation, members feel free to openly express their thoughts and feelings about a range of topics, including ones that are personal or private. Families that are low in conversation orientation tend to talk mainly about superficial topics, and members tend not to disclose personal feelings and thoughts.

Chronemics

refers to how we perceive and use time. In Western culture, there is a norm that important people with high status can keep others waiting Conversely, people with low status are expected to be punctual. It is standard practice to have to wait, sometimes a long while, to see a physician or attorney, even if you have an appointment. This conveys the message that the physician's time is more valuable than yours.

Proxemics

refers to space and how we use it (Hall, 1968). Every culture has norms that prescribe how people should use space, how close people should be to one another, and how much space different people are entitled to have. In the United States, we generally interact with social acquaintances from a distance of 4 to 12 feet but are comfortable with 18 inches or less between ourselves and close friends and romantic partners

Cognitive complexity

refers to the number of personal constructs used (remember, these are bipolar dimensions of judgment), how abstract they are, and how elaborately they interact to shape perceptions. Most children have fairly simple cognitive systems: They rely on few personal constructs, focus more on concrete categories than abstract and psychological ones, and often are unaware of relationships between personal constructs. In general, adults are more cogniti

Loaded language

refers to words that strongly slant perceptions and thus meanings. Terms such as geezer and old fogey incline us to regard older people with contempt or pity. Alternatives such as senior citizen and older person reflect more respectful attitudes.

Person-Centeredness

related to cognitive complexity because it entails abstract thinking and use of a wide range of schemata. Our ability to perceive others as unique depends, first, on how well we make cognitive distinctions. People who are cognitively complex rely on more numerous and more abstract schemata to interpret others. Second, person-centered communicators use knowledge of particular others to guide their communication. Thus, they tailor vocabulary, nonverbal behaviors, and language to the experiences, values, and interests of others

Attributional Errors

self-serving bias-this is a bias toward ourselves and our interests. Research indicates that some people tend to construct attributions that serve our personal interests For example, you might say that you did well on a test because you are a smart person (internal and stable) who is always responsible (global) and studies hard (personal control).

Constitutive rules

specify how to interpret and perform different kinds of communication. We learn what counts as respect (listening, eye contact), friendliness (smiles or smiley emoticons in online communication), affection (kisses, hugs), and professionalism (punctuality, assertive communication). We also learn what communication is expected if we want to be perceived as a good friend (showing support, being loyal), a responsible employee (meeting deadlines, making confident oral presentations), and a desirable romantic partner (showing respect and trust, being faithful, sharing confidences).

Regulative rules

specify when, where, and with whom to talk about certain things. For instance, some families have a rule that people cannot argue at the dinner table. Families also teach us rules about when we can engage in conflict—for example, were you allowed to disagree with parents or elders, in general? Regulative rules vary across cultures and social groups, so what is acceptable in one context may be regarded as inappropriate elsewhere.

Social exchange theory

states that people apply economic principles to evaluate their relationships: They conduct cost-benefit analyses. Costs are the undesirable elements that stem from being in a relationship. Perhaps a relationship costs you time, effort, and money. Rewards are the desirable elements that come from being in a relationship. You may value the companionship, support, and affection that come from a relationship. According to social exchange theory, as long as your rewards outweigh your costs, the net outcome of the relationship is positive, so you are satisfied. If costs exceed rewards, however, we're dissatisfied and may move on.

Feeling Rules

tell us what we have a right to feel or what we are expected to feel in particular situations. Feeling rules reflect and perpetuate the values of cultures and social group For example, some cultures view feeling and expressing anger as healthy. Yet the Semai of Malaysia think that being angry brings bad luck, and they try to avoid anger

Process

that communication evolves over time, becoming more personal as people interact.

Literal Listening

which involves listening only for content and ignoring the relationship level of meaning. As we have seen, all communication includes content as well as relationship meaning. When we listen literally, we attend only to the content level and are insensitive to others' feelings and to our connections with them. Lindsay's commentary provides a good illustration of literal listening that deals only with content-level meaning

Agape

which is a blend of storge and eros. The term agape comes from Saint Paul's admonition that we should love others without expectation of personal gain or return. People who love agapically feel the intense passion of eros and the constancy of storge. Generous and selfless, they put a loved one's happiness ahead of their own without any expectation of reciprocity.

implicit personality theory

which is a collection of unspoken and sometimes unconscious assumptions about how various qualities fit together in human personalities. Most of us think certain qualities go together in people. For instance, you might think that people who are outgoing are also friendly, confident, and fun

relational culture

which is a private world of rules, understandings, meanings, and patterns of acting and interpreting that partners create for their relationship

perceptual view of emotions

which is also called appraisal theory, asserts that subjective perceptions shape what external phenomena mean to us.

Responding

which is communicating attention and interest. We don't respond only when others have finished speaking; rather, we respond throughout interaction. This is what makes listening such an active process. Good listeners let others know they are interested throughout interaction by adopting attentive postures, nodding their heads, making eye contact, and giving vocal responses such as "mm-hmm" and "go on."

cognitive labeling view of emotions

which is similar to the perceptual view but offers better explanation of how we move from experience to interpretation. According to the cognitive labeling view of emotions, the mechanism that allows this is language. This view claims that our labels for our physiological responses influence how we interpret those response

emotional intelligence

which is the ability to recognize feelings, to judge which feelings are appropriate in which situations, and to communicate those feelings effectively

ethnocentrism

which is the assumption that our culture and its norms are the only right ones. For instance, someone who says, "It is just plain rude to speak out loud during a sermon" doesn't understand the meaning of the call-response pattern in African American culture. Dogmatically asserting, "It's disrespectful to be late" reveals a lack of awareness of cultures that place less value on speed and efficiency than American culture does.

monitoring

which is the capacity to observe and regulate your own communication

emotion work

which is the effort to generate what we think are appropriate feelings in particular situations. Notice that emotion work concerns the process of trying to shape how we feel, not necessarily our success in doing so.

Friendship Deterioration

• Abrupt ending-are generally occasioned by serious breaches in trust—a confidence aired to others, stealing, lying, and so forth. It is more common for friendships to wane gradually. Friends may drift apart because one moves or because the two are pulled in different directions by career or family demands. In other cases, friendships deteriorate because they've run their natural course and have become boring. Many, perhaps most, friendships fade slowly rather than abruptly • Gradual waning- Yet the clearest indicator that a friendship is fading may be decreased quantity and quality of communication. • Serious violation of friendship rules- occur between friends, relationships sometimes can be repaired. Sometimes, friends hurt us when they are under serious stress. If we attribute something we don't like to factors that are temporary or beyond our friends' control, we may be willing to forgive them and continue the friendship.

Diversity in Family Life

• Diverse forms of family • Diverse goals for families-Families are diverse not only in the people who belong to them but also in their goals—the reasons people want to be involved in long-term relationships. Yet the reasons for families have varied over time, and there continue to be a range of reasons today. Historically, marriage has been regarded as a means to other goals. In hunting and gathering societies, unions were strategic arrangements to preserve peace between tribes • Cultural diversity of family forms-Today, marriage between members of different races is more popularand accepted. Also increasing is the number of Americans who marry someone who was born in a different country. • Diverse family types-identified three distinct types of relationships: traditional, independent, and separate. Couples who fit into the traditional category are highly interdependent and emotionally expressive with each other. Traditional couples also share conventional views of marriage and family life, and they engage in conflict regularl

The Development of Romantic Relationships

• Growth- The first is individuality: each of us is an individual with particular needs, goals, love styles, perceptual tendencies, and qualities that affect what we look for in relationships. Our choices of people with whom to begin a romance are influenced by our personal histories and our identities, including our attachment styles • Navigation- Navigation is the ongoing process of staying committed and living a life together despite ups and downs, and pleasant and unpleasant surprises. Couples continually adjust, work through new problems, revisit old ones, and accommodate changes in their individual and relational lives. During navigation, partners also continually experience tension from relational dialectics, which are never resolved once and for all. As partners respond to dialectical tensions, they revise and refine the nature of the relationship itself. To use an automotive analogy, navigating involves both preventive maintenance and periodic repairs • Deterioration-A person moves or dies or simply quits making contact. Most relationships that have reached the level of commitment, however, deteriorate through a series of stages. are intrapsychic processes, during which one or both partners begin to feel dissatisfied with the relationship and to focus their thoughts on its problems or shortcomings dyadic processes, which involve the breakdown of established patterns, rules, and rituals that make up the relational culture. Partners may stop talking over dinner, no longer text when they are running late, and in other ways neglect rules that have operated in their relationship. As the fabric of intimacy weakens, dissatisfaction intensifies. Social support is a phase in which partners look to friends and family for support. Partners may give self-serving accounts of the breakup to save face and to secure sympathy and support from others Grave-dressing processes involve burying the relationship and accepting its end. During grave dressing, we work to make sense of the relationship: what it meant, why it failed, and how it affected us. resurrection processes, during which the two people move on with their lives without the other as an intimate. We conceive of ourselves as single again, and we reorganize our lives to break the synchrony that we had with our ex-partne

The Development of Friendships

• Meeting-They begin when people meet each other. We might meet a person at work, through membership on an athletic team, in a club, or by chance in an airport, store, or class. We also might encounter new people in chat rooms or newsgroups or as friends of friends on our social networking sites • Fledgling friendship- We might make a small self-disclosure to signal that we'd like to personalize the relationship or meet outside of contexts that naturally occur. Emily might ask her associate Sam whether he wants to get a cup of coffee after work. Ben might ask his classmate Drew to get together to study • Private rules for interacting develop-Some friends settle into patterns of getting together for specific things (watching games, shopping, racquetball, going to movies) and never expand those boundaries. Other friends share a wider range of times and activities. • Stabilized friendship-

Relationship types

• Traditional- Couples who fit into the traditional category are highly interdependent and emotionally expressive with each other. Traditional couples also share conventional views of marriage and family life, and they engage in conflict regularly. • Independent-made up 22% of the couples in Fitzpatrick's study. Independents hold less conventional views of marriage and family life. Compared to traditionals, independents are less interdependent, more emotionally expressive, and they engage in conflict more often • Separate-who made up 17% of the couples Fitzpatrick studied. As the term implies, separates are highly autonomous. Partners give each other plenty of room, and they share less emotionally than the other two types. Separates also try to avoid conflict, perhaps because it often involves emotional expressiveness and pushes

Communication & Satisfaction in Long-Term Commitments

• Words- refer to how family members talk and behave toward each other. Communication influences self-esteem and feelings about the relationship. In happier relationships, members tend to communicate more support, agreement, understanding, and interest than in less happy couples. In contrast, unhappy families include frequent criticism, negative statements, mind reading, and egocentric communication, in which family members do not engage in dual perspective • Thoughts- which is how family members think about each other and family. Our thoughts shape our emotions and words. For example, a mother might think, "My son came home for the weekend because he is a thoughtful person who makes time to show me he cares." Likewise, in satisfying relationships, people tend to attribute negative actions and communication to unstable, external factors that are beyond individual control. If a daughter forgets to call on her parents' anniversary, the father might explain it by telling himself, "She forgot because she is overwhelmed with final exams. • Emotions- are affected by words and thoughts. How we feel is affected by what we say to others and what we communicate to ourselves through self-talk. For example, the attributions we make for our partners' behaviors affect how we feel about those behaviors. If a wife sees her husband's gift of flowers as evidence of his thoughtfulness and caring, she will feel closer to him than if she sees the flowers as something he bought because they were on sale.

interpretation

•The subjective process of explaining our perceptions in ways that make sense to us Attributions Locus Stability Specificity Responsibility

interpersonal communication

Between people as a selective, systemic process that allows people to reflect and build personal knowledge of one another and create shared meanings.

Special speakers

Jason- international studies director, he's from New York, Tamer- accent and tips, younger older age, collectivistic, higher power depends where you live to marry who you want, from Egypt, he knows 2 languages, his people are kinder Mythert- feels unsafe in the states, doesn't like the food used to eating a lot of vegetables, individualistic culture, from the Netherlands, low power, low context, she knows 4 languages, the depend on one another Karina-from Indonesia she's not used to someone called them by their first name, food is good, collectivistic, high power, respect elders, high context, public health major, high power, knows 3 languages, everyone knows each other, wants to learn English better, yes but... means no Armel- time and language, collectivistic, high power, he's from kamera, high context, major is finance, knows 3 languages 500 new international studies 120/month for hwaitresses

identity scripts

Like the scripts for plays, identity scripts define our roles, how we are to play them, and the basic elements in the plots of our lives. Think back to your childhood. Did you hear any of these scripts from family members: "We are responsible people," "Our family always helps those in need,"

Mania

Manic lovers have the passion of eros, but they play by ludic rules—a combination that can be perilous. Typically unsure that others really love them, manics may devise tests and games (that's the ludic streak in mania) to evaluate a partner's commitment. They often experience emotional extremes, ranging from euphoria to despair (that's the erotic streak). In addition, manics may obsess about a relationship and be unable to think about anyone or anything else.

competence in interpersonal communication:

(1) developing a range of communication skills, (2) adapting communication appropriately, (3) engaging in dual perspective, (4) monitoring communication, and (5) committing to ethical interpersonal communication.

three general dimensions of relationship-level meanings

-The first dimension is responsiveness, and it refers to how aware of others and involved with them we are -A second dimension of relationship meaning is liking, or affection. This concerns the degree of positive or negative feeling that is communicated. -Power, or control, is the third dimension of relationship meaning. This refers to the power balance between communicators. Friends and romantic partners sometimes engage in covert power struggles on the relationship level.

Belonging Needs

. We want others' company, acceptance, and affirmation, and we want to give companionship, acceptance, and affirmation to others.

Principles of conflict

1. Conflict is natural in most western relationships- In most Western relationships conflict is a normal, inevitable part of relating. You like to work alone, and your coworkers like to interact in teams. You think money should be enjoyed, and your partner believes in saving for a rainy day. 2. Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly -passive aggression-respond to conflict by not showing that your angry. -Games-highly patterned interactions in which the real conflicts are hidden or denied and a counterfeit excuse is created for arguing or criticizing ~"Blemish"- one person pretends to be complimentary but actually puts another down. Ann asks her friend whether she looks okay for an important interview. The friend, who is angry that Ann hasn't repaid a loan from last month, responds, "The new suit looks really great. There's just this one little thing: You seem to have gained weight. Your stomach and hips look big, and that suit doesn't hide the extra pounds. ~"NIGYYSOB"-("Now I've Got You, You Son of a B####"). In this one, a person deliberately sets another person up for a fall. Knowing that her coworker is not a detail-oriented person, Ellie asks him to gather some very detailed information. When the report he gives her is missing some information, she criticizes him for being careless. ~"Mine is worse than yours"-is another commonly played game. Suppose you tell a friend that you have two tests and a paper due next week, and your friend says, "You think that's bad? Listen to this: I have two tests, three papers, and an oral report all due in the next 2 weeks! ~"yes, but"-is a game in which a person pretends to be asking for help but then refuses all help that's offered. Doing this allows the person who initiates the game to blame the other person for not helping. Lorna asks her boyfriend to help her figure out how to better manage her money

Development of Interracial Relationships

1. Racial awareness—Each partner becomes conscious of his or her race and his or her views of the partner's race. In addition, partners become more aware of broad social perspectives on their own and each other's racial group. 2. Coping—The couple struggles with external pressures, including disapproval from family and friends, and develops strategies to protect their relationship from external damage. 3. Identity emergence—Partners declare their couple identity to themselves and others. 4. Relationship maintenance—The couple works at preserving the relationship as it incorporates new challenges, such as having children, moving to new areas, and entering new social circles.

Principles of conflict

3. Social groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors -cultural differences regarding conflict -Differences among social communities 4. Conflict can be managed well or poorly 5. Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships

emotions

As we saw in that chapter, emotions are affected by words and thoughts. How we feel is affected by what we say to others and what we communicate to ourselves through self-talk. For example, the attributions we make for our partners' behaviors affect how we feel about those behaviors. If a wife sees her husband's gift of flowers as evidence of his thoughtfulness and caring, she will feel closer to him than if she sees the flowers as something he bought because they were on sale.

protective families

Conflict is avoided, and children are expected to adhere to parents' values, beliefs, and decisions, which may undermine open and honest communication between parents and children

laissez-faire families

Parents and children have limited interaction, children are inclined to be relatively independent of parents, and family members may not feel close bonds. Both conversation and conformity orientations are low. As you might imagine, these basic

Principles of Interpersonal Communication

Principle 1: We Cannot Not Communicate Principle 2: Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible Principle 3: Interpersonal Communication Involves Ethical Choices Principle 4: People Construct Meanings in Interpersonal Communication Principle 5: Metacommunication Affects Meanings Principle 6: Interpersonal Communication Develops and Sustains Relationships Principle 7: Interpersonal Communication Is Not a Panacea Principle 8: Interpersonal Communication Effectiveness Can Be Learned

The Family Life Cycle

Stage 1: Establishing a Family:During this phase, a couple settles into a committed relationship and works out expectations, interaction patterns, and daily routines for their shared life. Partners get accustomed to living together. For couples who are married, spouses get used to the labels "wife" and "husband" and to the social and legal recognition of their union. Stage 2: Enlarging a Family:A major change in many families' lives is the addition of children. The transition to parenthood typically brings a whole array of joys, problems, challenges, and new constraints for the couple. It also introduces new roles. In addition to her identities as wife or partner and probably a worker, a woman also becomes a mother. A man becomes a father in addition to his identities as a husband or partner and probably a worker Stage 3: Developing a Family:Parent-child relationships are critical influences on children's identities, which is usually with a parent, and that parent is more often the mother than the father. A consistently loving, attentive parent cultivates a secure attachment style in the child. Other attachment styles are fostered by other patterns of caregiving. Parents also shape children's selfconcepts through labels ("such a sweet little girl," "such a big, strong boy") and identity scripts that make it clear who children are and are supposed to be. Although fathers spend less time than mothers with children, today's fathers are more active parents than fathers of previous generations. Stage 4: Encouraging Independence:As children enter adolescence, they tend to seek greater autonomy. This is a natural part of their effort to establish identities distinct from those of their parents. Often, this stage involves some tension between parents and children. Parents may feel hurt by the children's reduced interest in being with the family. Also, parents may not approve of some of their children's interests, activities, and friends. Children may feel that parents are overly protective or intrusive Stage 5: Launching Children:Launching is a time of vital change for most families. Children leave home to go to college, marry, or live on their own. When the last child leaves home, parents, who for 18 years or more have centered their lives around children, now find themselves a couple again. For parents, this can be an abrupt change. For instance, if there is only one child (or twins or triplets) in the family, when that child leaves, the parents become a couple. For parents who have more than one child, the children tend to leave home at different times, so the adjustment to a smaller family is more gradual. For the children, who are now young adults, this is a time of increased independence and self-discovery Stage 6: Postlaunching of Children:After the departure of children from the home, partners have to redefine their marriage. This period can be a time of lower satisfaction between partners if the couple is out of practice in engaging each other outside of their roles as parents. The partners have more time for each other but that may be a blessing, a curse, or both. Stage 7: Retirement:Retirement brings about further changes in family life. Like other changes, those ushered in by retirement can be positive or negative. For many people, retirement is a time to do what they want instead of focusing on earning a living. Many people who retire are highly active, often volunteering in community groups, traveling, and taking up new hobbies or interests. For other people, retirement may evoke feelings of boredom and lack of identity. Individuals whose sense of self-worth is strongly tied to their work may feel unanchored when they retire. Naturally, this discontent can foster tension in the marriage.

Pluralistic families

are high on the dimension of conversation and low on conformity. Communication is open, all family members are encouraged to express their thoughts and feelings, and agreement among family members is not required or compelled. Parents respect their children's views and decisions, even if they do not agree with them.

Committed romantic relationships

are relationships between individuals who assume that they will be primary and continuing parts of each other's lives. These relationships are voluntary in mainstream Western culture although marriages are arranged in some cultures. We don't pick our relatives, neighbors, or work associates, but in Western countries we do choose our romantic intimates. Committed romantic relationships are created and sustained by unique people who cannot be replaced.

Self-Actualization Needs

as fully developing and using our unique "talents, capacities, potentialities" To achieve this, we need to refine talents that we have and cultivate new potentials in ourselves. As humans, we seek more than survival, safety, belonging, and esteem. We also thrive on growth. Each of us wants to cultivate new dimensions of mind, heart, and spirit. We seek to enlarge our perspectives, engage in challenging and different experiences, learn new skills, and test ourselves in unfamiliar territories.

generalized other

by which he meant the general, or overall, society. Every society and social group has values, experiences, and understandings that are widely shared among members but may not be endorsed by those outside of the culture or group.

blind area

contains information that others know about us but we don't know about ourselves. For example, others may see that we are insecure even though we think we've hidden that well. Others may also recognize needs or feelings that we haven't acknowledged to ourselves

Meaning Creating

content meaning, deals with literal, or denotative, meaning. If a parent says to a 5-year-old child, "Clean your room now," the content meaning is that the room is to be cleaned immediately. The second level is the relationship meaning. This refers to what communication expresses about relationships between communicators. The relationship meaning of "Clean your room now" is that the parent has the right to order the child; the parent and child have an unequal power relationship.

resurrection processes,

during which the two people move on with their lives without the other as an intimate. We conceive of ourselves as single again, and we reorganize our lives to break the synchrony that we had with our ex-partner.

Commitment

is the intention to remain involved with a relationship. Although often linked to love, commitment is not the same thing as love. Love is a feeling based on the rewards of our involvement with a person. Commitment, in contrast, is a decision to remain in a relationship. There is a strong relationship between commitment and investments in a relationship—the more we invest in a relationship, the greater our commitment is likely to be

Open area

information is known both to us and to others. Your name, height, major, and tastes in music probably are open information that you share easily with others.

Hidden area

information is what we know about ourselves but choose not to reveal to most others. You might not tell many people about your vulnerabilities or about traumas in your past because you consider this private information.

Physical noise

interference in our environments, such as noises made by others, overly dim or bright lights, spam and pop-up ads, extreme temperatures, and crowded conditions.

Grave-dressing processes

involve burying the relationship and accepting its end. During grave dressing, we work to make sense of the relationship: what it meant, why it failed, and how it affected us. Usually, people need to mourn intimacy that has died.

Storge

is a comfortable, even-keeled kind of love based on friendship and compatibility. Storgic love tends to develop gradually and to be peaceful and stable. In most cases, it grows out of common interests, values, and life goals (Lasswell & Lobsenz, 1980). Storgic relationships don't have the great highs of erotic ones, but neither do they have the fiery conflict and anger that may punctuate erotic relationships.

Social support

is a phase in which partners look to friends and family for support. Partners may give self-serving accounts of the breakup to save face and to secure sympathy and support from others

Eros

is a powerful, passionate style of love that blazes to life suddenly and dramatically. It is an intense kind of love that may include sexual, spiritual, intellectual, or emotional attraction or all of these. Eros is the most intuitive and spontaneous of all love styles, and it is also the fastest moving. Erotic lovers are likely to self-disclose early in a relationship, be very sentimental, and fall in love fast. Although folk wisdom claims that women are more romantic than men, research indicates that men are more likely than women to be erotic lovers

model

is a representation of a phenomenon such as an airplane, a house, or human communication. Models show how a phenomenon works

dismissive attachment style

is also promoted by caregivers who are disinterested in, rejecting of, or unavailable to children. Yet people who develop this style do not accept the caregiver's view of them as unlovable

metacommunication

is communication about communication. For example, during a conversation with your friend Pat, you notice that Pat's body seems tense and her voice is sharp. You might say, "You seem really stressed in our conversation." Your statement is metacommunication because it communicates about Pat's nonverbal communication.

Direct Definition

is communication that tells us explicitly who we are by labeling us and our behaviors. Family members, as well as peers, teachers, and other individuals, define us by telling us who we are or are expected to be

fearful attachment style

is cultivated when the caregiver in the first bond is unavailable or communicates in negative, rejecting, or even abusive ways to the child. Children who are treated this way often infer that they are unworthy of love and that others are not loving or trustworthy.

Physiological noise

is distraction caused by hunger, fatigue, headaches, medications, and other factors that affect how we feel and think

secure attachment style

is facilitated when the caregiver responds in a consistently attentive and loving way to the child. In response, the child develops a positive sense of self-worth ("I am lovable") and a positive view of others ("People are loving and can be trusted"

Reflected Appraisal

is our perception of another's view of us. How we think others appraise us affects how we see ourselves. This concept is similar to the looking-glass self,

Pragma

is pragmatic or practical love; blends the calculated planning of ludus with the stable security of storge. Pragmatic lovers have clear criteria for partners, such as religious affiliation, career, and family backgrounds

Navigation

is the ongoing process of staying committed and living a life together despite ups and downs, and pleasant and unpleasant surprises. Couples continually adjust, work through new problems,revisit old ones, and accommodate changes in their individual and relational lives

Social comparison

is the process of assessing ourselves in relation to others to form judgments of our own talents, abilities, qualities, and so forth.

Explorational communication

is the third stage in the escalation of romance, and it focuses on learning about each other. In this stage, people fish for common interests and grounds for interaction

Passion

is what first springs to mind when we think about romance. Passion describes intensely positive feelings and fervent desire for another person. Passion is not restricted to sexual or sensual feelings. In addition to sexual feelings, passion may involve powerful emotional, spiritual, and intellectual excitement.

transactional model

of interpersonal communication is more accurate because it emphasizes the dynamism of interpersonal communication and the multiple roles people assume during the process.

Words

refer to how family members talk and behave toward each other. Communication influences self-esteem and feelings about the relationship. In happier relationships, members tend to communicate more support, agreement, understanding, and interest than in less happy couples. In contrast, unhappy families include frequent criticism, negative statements, mind reading, and egocentric communication, in which family members do not engage in dual perspective

conversation orientation

refers to how open or closed communication is. In families with high conversation orientation, members feel free to openly express their thoughts and feelings about a range of topics, including ones that are personal or private. Families that are low in conversation orientation tend to talk mainly about superficial topics, and members tend not to disclose personal feelings and thoughts.

Psychological noise

refers to qualities in us that affect how we communicate and how we interpret others. For instance, if you are preoccupied with a problem, you may be inattentive at a team meeting

self disclosure

revealing information about ourselves to another person that she or he is unlikely to discover in other ways. For instance, you might disclose an embarrassing experience or a fear to a close friend

Equity

s fairness, based on the perception that both people invest equally in a relationship and benefit similarly from their investments.Equity theory does not accept social exchange theory's assumptions that people demand equality andmmeasure the rewards and costs to decide whether to stay in a relationship. Instead, it says that whether a relationship is satisfying and enduring depends on whether thepeople in it perceive the relationship as relatively equitable over time.

Social exchange theory

states that people apply economic principles to evaluate their relationships: They conduct cost-benefit analyses. Costs are the undesirable elements that stem from being in a relationship. Perhaps a relationship costs you time, effort, and money. Rewards are the desirable elements that come from being in a relationship. You may value the companionship, support, and affection that come from a relationship. According to social exchange theory, as long as your rewards outweigh your costs, the net outcome of the relationship is positive, so you are satisfied. If costs exceed rewards, however, we're dissatisfied and may move on.

trial marriage

that allows them to assess whether they truly want to be together for the long term

interpersonal communication competence

the ability to communicate effectively ,appropriately, and ethically. Effectiveness involves achieving the goals we have for specific interactions.

I-Thou communication

we open ourselves fully, trusting others to accept us as we are, with our virtues and vices, hopes and fears, and strengths and weaknesses Buber believed that only in I-Thou relationships do we become fully human, which for him meant that we discard the guises and defenses we use most of the time and allow ourselves to be completely genuine

semantic noise

when words themselves are not mutually understood. Authors sometimes create semantic noise by using jargon or unnecessarily technical language.

I-You Communication

which accounts for the majority of our interactions. People acknowledge one another as more than objects, but they don't fully engage each other as unique individuals. For example, suppose you go shopping, and a salesclerk asks, "May I help you?" It's unlikely you will have a deep conversation with the clerk, but you might treat him or her as more than an object

attachment styles

which are patterns of caregiving that teach us who we and others are and how to approach relationships. From extensive studies of interaction between parents and children,

dyadic processes

which involve the breakdown of established patterns, rules, and rituals that make up the relational culture. Partners may stop talking over dinner, no longer text when they are running late, and in other ways neglect rules that have operated in their relationship. As the fabric of intimacy weakens, dissatisfaction intensifies

Self-Esteem Needs

which involve valuing and respecting ourselves and being valued and respected by others.

psychological responsibility

which involves remembering, planning, and scheduling family matters.

agape

which is a blend of storge and eros. The term agape comes from Saint Paul's admonition that we should love others without expectation of personal gain or return. People who love agapically feel the intense passion of eros and the constancy of storge. Generous and selfless, they put a loved one's happiness ahead of their own without any expectation of reciprocity. For them, loving and giving to another are their own rewards. Although the original studies of love styles found no people who were purely agapic, many people have agapic tendencies

relational culture

which is a private world of rules, understandings, meanings, and patterns of acting and interpreting that partners create for their relationship includes rules and rituals. Couples develop rules, usually unspoken, about how to communicate anger, sexual interest, and so forth. Couples also develop rules about everyday thoughtfulness and kindness.

noise

which is anything that distorts communication or interferes with people's understandings of one another. Noise in communication systems is inevitable, but we can be aware that it exists and try to compensate for the difficulties it causes

hooking up

which is engaging in some degree of sexual activity with a person with no expectation of seeing that person again, is an increasingly popular form of initial get-together.

thoughts

which is how family members think about each other and family. Our thoughts shape our emotions and words. From Chapter 3 you'll recall that, in satisfying relationships, people tend to attribute nice actions by others to stable, internal qualities that are within individual control

impression management

which is how we use communication in an effort to persuade others to believe in the face we present. In our example, you dress well, maintain good eye contact, and offer the interviewer examples from your past jobs that demonstrate that you are experienced and skilled

ludus

which is playful love. Ludic lovers see love as a game. It's an adventure full of scheming, challenges, puzzles, and fun, but love is not to be taken seriously. For ludics, commitment is not the goal. Instead, they like to play the field and to enjoy falling in love . . . again and again. Many people go through ludic periods but are not true ludics. After ending a long-term relationship, it's natural and healthy to date casually and steer clear of serious entanglements. Ludic loving may also suit people who enjoy romance but aren't ready to settle down. Research indicates that more men than women have ludic inclinations when it comes to love

commitment

which is the decision to stay with the relationship. Before commitment, partners don't assume that the relationship will continue forever.

anxious/ambivalent attachment style

which is the most complex of the four. Each of the other three styles results from a consistent pattern of treatment by a caregiver. The anxious/ambivalent style, however, is fostered by inconsistent treatment from the caregiver.

dual perspective

which is understanding both our own and another person's perspective, beliefs, thoughts, or feelings When we adopt dual perspective, we understand how someone else thinks and feels about issues. To meet another person in genuine dialogue, we must be able to realize how that person views himself or herself, the situation, and his or her own thoughts and feelings.

second shift

which is work that one partner— usually, but not always, a woman—does after coming home from a shift in the paid labor force outside the home

Systemic

which means that it takes place within various systems, or contexts, that influence what happens and the meanings we attribute to interaction. The communication between you and me right now is embedded in multiple systems, including the interpersonal communication course you are taking, our academic institutions, and American society.

intensifying communication

which my students nicknamed euphoria to emphasize its intensity and happiness. During this stage, partners spend more time together, and they rely less on external structures such as films or parties.

self-fulfilling prophecies

which occur when we internalize others' expectations or judgments about us and then behave in ways that are consistent with those expectations and judgments

conformity orientation

which refers to the extent to which family members are expected to adhere to a family hierarchy and conform in beliefs. Families differ in how much they expect members to respect hierarchy, particularly parental authority and in how much they expect family members to avoid conflict by agreeing (or acting as if they agree). In families that have high conformity orientation, there is little overt conflict and lines of authority are respected. Families with low conformity orientation experience more disagreement and conflict, and children are more or less likely to adhere to all of their parents' beliefs and values.

particular others

who are specific people who are important in our lives. For infants and children, particular others usually include family members and caregivers

Orientations to conflict

•lose-lose-orientation assumes that conflict results in losses for everyone and that it is unhealthy and destructive for relationships. A wife might feel that conflicts about money hurt her, her husband, and the marriage. Similarly, a person may refrain from arguing with a friend, believing the result would be wounded feelings for both of them •win-lose-orientations assume that one person wins at the expense of the other. A person who sees conflict as a win-lose matter thinks that disagreements are battles that can have only one victor. What one person gains, the other loses; what one person loses, the other gains. •win-win-orientations assume that there are usually ways to resolve differences so that everyone gains. A good solution is one that everyone finds satisfactory. When all people are committed to finding a mutually acceptable solution, a win-win resolution is possible. Sometimes, people can't find or create a solution that is each person's ideal. In such cases, each person may make some accommodations to build a solution that is acceptable to each person. Compromising to find a solution that is acceptable to both parties is positively associated with satisfaction, respect, and love between marital partners

Responses to conflict

•the exit response-exit from the conflict -involves physically walking out or psychologically withdrawing. Refusing to talk about a problem is an example of psychological exit. Ending a relationship, or leaving when conflict arises are both examples of literal exit. Because exit doesn't address problems, it tends to be destructive. Because it is a forceful way to avoid conflict, it is active. •the neglect response-denies or minimizes problems, disagreements, anger, tension, or other matters that could lead to overt conflict. People engaging in neglect say, "We don't really disagree" or "You're making a mountain out of a molehill." Neglect generally is destructive because it doesn't resolve tension. It is passive because it avoids discussion •the loyalty response-involves staying committed to a relationship despite differences. Loyalty may be appropriate if tolerating differences isn't too costly, but in some instances deferring your own needs and goals may be too high a price for harmony. Loyalty is silent allegiance that doesn't actively address conflict, so it is a passive response. Because it preserves the relationship, loyalty may be constructive, at least in the short term. This response, however, has the potential to result in the silently loyal partner feeling unappreciated •the voice response-addresses conflict directly and attempts to resolve it. People who respond with voice identify problems or tensions and assert a desire to deal with them. Voice implies that people care enough about a relationship to notice when something is wrong and do something to improve the situation. Thus, voice is generally the most constructive way to deal with conflict in intimate relationships

Defining interpersonal conflict

•when people in I-You or I-Thou relationships have different views, intererest, or goals and feel a need to resolve those differences -expressed disagreement- Interpersonal conflict is expressed disagreement, struggle, or discord. Thus, it is not conflict if we don't recognize disagreement or anger or if we repress it so completely that it is not expressed directly or indirectly. Conflict exists only if disagreements or tensions are expressed. -interdependence- Interpersonal conflict is expressed disagreement, struggle, or discord. Thus, it is not conflict if we don't recognize disagreement or anger or if we repress it so completely that it is not expressed directly or indirectly. Conflict exists only if disagreements or tensions are expressed. -perceived incompatible goals- We experience conflict when we perceive that what we want is incompatible with what is wanted by a person with whom we are interdependent. The key word is perceive. Jeremy wants a practical car, and Alexis wants a fun car. There may be many cars that fit both of their criteria, but if they see the criteria as mutually exclusive, they're likely to clash. If we lock ourselves into a conflict script, too often we don't see mutually acceptable outcome -the felt need for resolution-Conflict is more than just having differences. We differ with people about many things, but this doesn't invariably lead to conflict. For example, my in-laws don't like large dogs, and we don't like small ones; my best friend likes very bright paint, and I prefer more neutral tones in my home. These differences don't spark conflict: My in-laws tolerate our Shepherd mix, and we accept their Boston terrier. As my friend and I don't live together, we don't have to agree on what color to paint the walls. In these cases, differences don't result in conflict.