Human Sexuality Chapter 7

John Alan Lee's Colors of Love 5.) Pragma: The Practical Lover

Have a "shopping list" of qualities they want in a partner. Want a deep, lasting love and believe the best way to get it is to assess their own qualities and make the best "deal" in the romantic market place. Tend to plan all aspects of their relationship.

Pheromones

How we register "smells of people". Odorless chemicals secreted by both animals and humans. Pheromones are processed in the hypothalamus, and they influence attraction, mating, and bonding.

How do we develop intimacy?

It begins with understanding ourselves and liking ourselves. Receptivity, listening, showing affection, trusting in your partner, and respecting them are important in development.

Can love be bad?

Jealousy plagues many people in their love relationships, whereas others seem addicted to love, going in and out of love relationships. Some people also use love as a means to control and manipulate people.

John Alan Lee's Colors of Love 3.) Storge: The Quiet, Calm Lover

Love that builds over time, similar to companionate love. Do not suddenly fall in love, and do not have an idealized partner. Rather, they dream of marriage, stability, and comfort. If a relationship ends, a storgic partner would try to remain friends.

What happens after a relationship break up?

Many people are vulnerable to self-blame, loss of self-esteem, and distrust of others, and they may rush into another relationship to replace their partner. Women have more difficulties with breakups.

John Alan Lee's Colors of Love 1.) Eros: The Romantic Love

Much like romantic love. Immediate attraction to partner, but does not last as they have an ideal partner in their mind that a real partner will never fulfill. Often, this type of lover had a secure attachment style with their caregivers.

Role Repertoire

A set of behaviors that we use in our interactions with others. Once we find what works, we develop patterns of interacting with others.

Intimacy Repertoire

A set of behaviors that we use to forge intimate relationships throughout our life.

John Alan Lee's Colors of Love 6.) Agape: The Selfless Lover

Altruistic, selfless, never demanding, patient, and true is agapic love. Never jealous, not needing reciprocity, agapic love tends to happen in brief episodes. Very few long term Agapic lovers.

Evolutionary Theory of Love

Belief that love developed out of our need to be protected from outside threats, to protect children, and from our sexual drive. Helps us form bonds that we need to reproduce and pass our genes down to the next generation.

Companionate vs. Romantic Love

Companionate: Comes with feelings of affection, intimacy, and attachment to another person. Romantic: Comes with a sense of ecstasy and anxiety, physical attraction, and sexual desire. We tend to idolize the partner, ignoring their faults in the newfound joy of the attachment. Impossible for a relationship to continue on romantic love alone.

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love

Nonlove: Most casual relationships, no passion, intimacy, or commitment. Liking: Friends. Is intimacy (w/o sexual desire) and lacking passion and commitment. Infatuation: Passion alone. Includes casual hookups and one night stands, quickly fades. Empty love: Commitment alone. Romantic love: Passion and Intimacy. Often first phase of relationship. Companionate love: Commitment and Intimacy. Ranges from long-term, deeply committed friendships to married or long-term couples who have experienced a decrease in the passionate aspect of their love. Fatuous love: Only passion and commitment. Means silly, and refers to one does not really know the person to whom one is making the commitment. Consummate love: Has all three elements in balance. Even after achieving it, it can be lost. The love we all strive for.

Robert Stenberg's 3 Elements of Love

Passion: Sparked by physical attraction and sexual desire. Passion is the first to fire up in a romantic relationship. Identifies romantic relationships, is absent in love of a parent and child. Intimacy: Involves feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness in a loving relationship. Emotional investment one has in the relationship. Can be seen in many loving relationships, including parent-child. Commitment: In the short term, is the decision to love someone. In the long term, it is the determination to maintain that love. Builds slowly and is often associated with relationship length.

Physiological Theory of Love

People are vulnerable to experiencing love when they are already physically aroused for whatever reason. An emotion happens when there is general physical arousal for whatever reason and a label is attached to it.

John Alan Lee's Colors of Love 2.) Ludus: The Game-Playing Lover

Play the "game" of love. Commitment, dependency, and intimacy are not valued, and often juggle multiple partners at once. Often, this type of lover had an avoidant attachment style with their caregivers.

John Alan Lee's Colors of Love 4.) Mania: The Crazy Lover

Possessive and dependent, often consumed with thoughts of the beloved. Each encouraging sign from the lover brings joy, each little slight brings heartache. Manic lovers fear separation. Often, manic lovers had an anxious/ambivalent relationship with caregivers in childhood.

Why is being possessive bad?

Possessiveness indicates a problem of self esteem and personal boundaries, and can eventually lead to stalking. Most states have passed staking laws, which enable the police to arrest a person who constantly shadows someone or makes threatening gestures or claims.

What is one of the most accurate indicators of attraction?

Proximity

How does a caretaker influence how we begin to form adult attachments?

Relationships that children had with their caregivers are often reflected in their adult relationships. If a child had a poor, distant relationship with their mom, they will have a similar relationship with their partner.

Behavioral Theory of Love

Suggests that we love the other person because the other person reinforces positive feelings within ourselves.

Cognitive Theory of Love

Suggests we love because we think we love. Says that the action comes first and the interpretation comes later. Ex. "Why am I doing her laundry?"..."I must love her!"

How do relationships last?

The ability to maintain love over time is the hallmark of maturity. Couples who continue to communicate with each other, remain committed to each other and the relationship, and remain interested and intimate with each other build a lasting bond of trust.

Field of Eligibles

The group of people from which it is socially acceptable to choose an intimate partner.