Love and Changes

Love Styles

- (Lee 1977) likened love to colors - primary colors: eros (passionate love), ludus (game-playing love), storge (friendship love) - Secondary colors (combination of primary colors): ~pragma (pragmatic love)= storge + ludus ~ Mania (possessive love) = eros + ludus ~Agape (altruistic love)= eros + storge -all are equally valid and none are better than the other -can change over time; have different relationship with different styles

Information seeking

- 3 ways to gather info about a partner:active, passive and interactive - flirting is a key means of gathering information

Attachment Styles

- Secure attachment style: characterized by trust, a lack of concern about being abandoned, and a feeling of being valued and well-liked. caregivers are sensitives to the wants and needs of infants -Avoidant attachment style: lack of trust and a suppression of attachments needs. caregivers tend to be aloof and distant -Anxious-ambivalent attachment style: characterized by a concern that others will not return affection caregivers are inconsistent and overbearing with affection

Commitment

- a decision to stay together and long term - only component under cognitive control ( accomodation and effects of perceiving others attractiveness

Maintaining Relationships

- attachment theory (personality and relationships) - equity (are u happy, who is guilty?) - partner enhancing biases (seeing each other in the best possible light)

Equity Theory

- how rewards and costs are analyzed in intimate relationships -ppl want rewards and costs to be equal for both partners

Adult Attachments Styles

- infants styles follow into adult hood at ties but not necessarily because of how the person was treated as an infant

Ending Relationships

- main reasons for ending relationships: lack of skills in self expression, role breaking, deception, boredom, difficulty of maintenance, conflict.

Results of Equity Theory

- overbenefitted partner should feel guilty -under benefitted should feel angry and depressed -some argue relationships are communal, should keep track of rewards and costs

Attachment and relationships

- secure- secure couples are attracted and have most stable relationships - avoidant secure and anxious secure pairings are less stable than secure secure - insecure attachments (anxious-anxious and avoidant- avoidant) almost never seen

Comparison levels

- should i stay or go? - these problems may not end relationship - deciding to end it is a complicated process -Comparison level are important - Low= stay but dissatisfied, new relationship or be alone (high) - High= happy but trapped (low), happy with second thoughts

Course of Relationships

- starting relationships ( information seeking and self-disclosure) -maintaining relationships ( attachment, equity, partner- enhancing biases - ending relationships ( comparison levels and conflict styles)

Coping with Troubles

-(Carl Rusbult 1986) identified 4 strategies -neglect: ignore and spend less time with them - exit: get up and go -voice: discuss problems and seek compromises - loyalty: hope things will get better -moderated by femininity and perceived alternatives

Measuring Love Styles

-Eros: attraction, intense love making, fits ideal standards -Ludus: player -storge: friendship turned into love, deep friendship= love -pragma: look to the future, looks to family -mania: excited to be in love, cant concentrate on anything else, if attention is lost by love stupid things will be done -agape: rather suffer than have lover suffer, lovers happiness above own, endure all things for sake of lover

Love and Relationships

-Love (Passion, Intimacy, Decision/Commitment)

Love

-Many diff components, may differ between relationships, change over time -several different typologies (Love styles and triangular theory)

Attachment Theory

-attachment is the strong emotional bond btwn 2 individuals ( originally mother and baby, generalized to adult relationships) - (Ainsworth 1989)identified three types of attachment styles based on the relationship btwn infants and their mothers

Negative Reciprocity Cycle

-attributions for negative and positive events -unhappy couple: positive behaviors ignored and negative behaviors reciprocated -happy couples avoid this, see partners behavior in positive light and discount negative

Social Penetration Theory

-development of a relationship involves gradual change in dis. from superficial to intimate -first meet, talk about sports weather and pop culture -if that goes well, broaden and deepen conversation to personal stuff - proper pacing is important especially in the beginning (norm of self disclosure reciprocity

Costs of Ending Relationships

-ending relationships is harder on men than women (although women find it more difficult to end relationships) and harder on ppl and in cultures with weak social support network -breakees are more miserable than breakers, whereas mutual break ups fell in the middle (may be related to degree of control)

Process of ending relationships

-intrapsychic -dyadic -social - grave dressing

Disclosure

-main way to develop and deepen a relationship is through self disclosure -self disclosure: the revealing of personal information about one to another -ppl that do not disclose tend to have dysfunctional relationships and are lonelier than people disclose

Starting Relationships

-major goal is to gain knowledge about the person (reduce uncertainty and gain stable feelings) -we believe the other person has more power to determine the outcome than we do, both parties believe the other person has control

Intimacy or Companionate Love

-more certain and dependable type of love, like friends -see partner in a more realistic light including imperfections -trust is critical in this love

Passion

-passionate love: an intense longing for union with another -physiological response- body rush, stomach knots, may even altar brain chemistry -may be due to arousal, see partner as perfect and ideal - experience intensely in the beginning of the relationship (bc novelty) - men tend to experience passionate love to a greater extent than women

Positive Illusions

-ppl tend to view partners more positively than they view their selves -this is related to relationship satisfaction on both sides -overtime, ppl with stranger illusions get more satisified (converse wasnt true) -the more u value ur partner, the more they value themselves and the better the relationship is

Conclusions

-relationships of all sorts are the source of our greatest pleasure and worst pain -some of the tribulations of relationships can be avoided if we approach them in a more intelligent, well informed manner - our feelings and thoughts as we enter a relationship have a large impact of that relationship

Triangular Theory of Love

-three components which combine to make love: passion, commitment, intimacy -components combine to make the experience of love (7 types) 1) liking (intimacy) 2)companionate love (intimacy and commitment) 3) empty love ( commitment) 4)fatuous love ( passion and commitment) 5)infatuation (passion) 6) romantic love ( intimacy and passion) 7) consummate love (intimacy and passion and commitment)

Partner Enhancing Biases

-we are meaner to the ones we love and not to strangers - married ppl do the same (criticize spouse which weakens emotional bonds and cause trouble