Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships
How to receive complaints?
- acknowledge a complaint and find something to agree with - ask clarifying questions - express your feelings - focus on future changes you make
Companionate love style
- are slow to develop affection and commitment but tend to experience relationships that endure
How to discover your partner's needs?
- asking questions * yes/no questions * open ended questions * either/or questions - self disclosure * requires give and take * internet relationships: rapidly evolving
What are good listening traits?
- be an active listener - maintain eye contact - provide feedback - support your partner's communication efforts - express unconditional positive regard
Companionate Love
- characterized by friendly affection and attachment based on extensive familiarity with the loved one
What are constructive strategies for expressing complaints?
- choose the right time and place - temper complaints with praise - avoid "why" questions - express negative emotions appropriately - limit complaints to one per discussion
What is an important ingredient in maintaining relationship satisfaction?
- communication is critical: talk about desires, needs, and feelings - be spontaneous: avoid routine times and places - do not let questions of what is "normal" get in the way
Intimacy
- connective to that certain person - takes a while, results from getting to know a person
Talking about talking
- discuss why it is hard to talk about - talk about nonthreatening topics (ex: birth control methods)
What is the three step approach to saying no?
- express appreciation for the invitation - say no in a clear, unquivocal fashion - offer alternatives
What are examples of nonverbal sexual communication?
- facial expressions - interpersonal distance - touching (can convey special messages or defuse anger) - sounds (can indicate, hinder, or increase arousal)
How does proximity and similarity play into falling in love?
- geographic nearness of one person to another - greater proximity often reflects shared interests - similarity of beliefs, interests, and values
attachment
- intense emotional tie between two individuals - rooted in infancy
What are components of similarities between beliefs, interests, and values?
- level of physical attractiveness - age, educational status, and religion - race and ethnicity
Game-playing love style (ludus)
- like to play the field and acquire many sexual "conquests" with little or no commitment - love is for fun, the act of seduction is to be enjoyed, and relationships are to remain casual and transitory
Discussing sexual preferences
- matter of preference: some feel comfortable; some do not
How does physical attractiveness play into falling in love?
- physical beauty - important in early stages; draws people together - may be an indicator of physical health - males place greater emphasis on physical attractiveness
Relationship between love and sex
- relationships between the two is not always clear - "friends with benefits" - gender differences: women may feel more emotionally involved
What are the key components to a lasting love relationship?
- self-acceptance and acceptance of a partner - appreciation of each other and commitment - good communication, realistic expectations, and shared interests - equality in decision making - ability to face and deal with conflict
What is Love?
- special attribute with behavioral and emotional components - means different things to different people - difficult to measure
Passionate Love
- state of extreme absorption in another person - also known as romantic love
What are characteristics of high quality relationships?
- supportive communication - companionship - sexual expression and variety - seeing partner as a best friend - maintaining frequent positive interaction
How can you learn to make requests?
- taking responsibility for our own pleasure * people not mind readers - making requests specific - the more specific the request, the more one will be understood - using "I" language - forthright approach brings about the desired response more easily
What are ways to break the ice?
- talking about talking - reading and discussing - sharing sexual histories
Romantic Love Style (eros)
- tend to place their emphasis on physical beauty as they search for ideal mates - erotic lovers that delight in the visual beauty and tactile and sensual pleasures provided by their lover's body - tend to be very affectionate and openly communicative with their partner
Possessive love style (mania)
- tend to seek obsessive love relationships, which are often characterized by turmoil and jealousy - these people live a roller-coaster style of love, in which each display of affection from the lover brings ecstasy and the mildest slight produces painful agitation
Jealousy-prone person
- tends to have low self-esteem and place a high value on wealth and popularity - jealousy precipitates partner violence
How does reciprocity play into falling in love?
- when we are recipients of expressions of liking or loving, we tend to respond in kind - increases self-esteem
How are women different than men with jealousy?
- women are more likely to acknowledge feelings of jealousy - men tend to focus more on sexual involvement with another
What are the three dimensions of love according to Sternberg's theory?
Intimacy, Commitment, Passion make up the different kinds of love.
What is nonlove?
absence of intimacy, commitment, passion
Committment
being dedicated to a certain person
What are Lee's Styles of Loving?
characteristics of intimate human relationships
What is empty love?
commitment alone
Over time, the levels of Sternberg's Love Components....
commitment and intimacy increase, while passion decreases until it levels out
Which is more fulfilling according to research, passionate or companionate?
companionate
What happens when all three dimensions are present in the triangular theory of love?
consummate love
Sharing sexual histories
depends on needs and feelings
What is the most important role of communication?
establish and maintain consent in sexual experiences
mere exposure effect
familiarity breeds liking or loving
What is liking?
intimacy alone
What is romantic love?
intimacy and passion
What are some neurotransmitters?
norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine (PEA), and endorphins
How are adult intimate relationships an attachment process?
parent-child attachment styles are transferred
What is infatuation?
passion alone
What is fatuous love?
passion and commitment
Giving permission
providing reassurance to one's partner that is is okay to talk about specific feelings or needs
What is a potential impact of hormonal contraception use in women?
reduced attractiveness to potential partners due to altered chemical fertility signals
What is the hypothesis of Lee's Styles of Loving?
relationship success is influenced by compatibility in styles of loving
Ainsworth's attachment styles
secure, insecure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant attachment
Passion
sexual desire, how attractive someone may be to you, etc.
Mutual empathy
underlying knowledge that each partner in a relationship cares for the other and knows that this care is reciprocated
How to avoid sending mixed messages?
when nonverbal messages contradict verbal messages, partners can have difficulty in grasping our true intention