Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships

How to receive complaints?

- acknowledge a complaint and find something to agree with - ask clarifying questions - express your feelings - focus on future changes you make

Companionate love style

- are slow to develop affection and commitment but tend to experience relationships that endure

How to discover your partner's needs?

- asking questions * yes/no questions * open ended questions * either/or questions - self disclosure * requires give and take * internet relationships: rapidly evolving

What are good listening traits?

- be an active listener - maintain eye contact - provide feedback - support your partner's communication efforts - express unconditional positive regard

Companionate Love

- characterized by friendly affection and attachment based on extensive familiarity with the loved one

What are constructive strategies for expressing complaints?

- choose the right time and place - temper complaints with praise - avoid "why" questions - express negative emotions appropriately - limit complaints to one per discussion

What is an important ingredient in maintaining relationship satisfaction?

- communication is critical: talk about desires, needs, and feelings - be spontaneous: avoid routine times and places - do not let questions of what is "normal" get in the way

Intimacy

- connective to that certain person - takes a while, results from getting to know a person

Talking about talking

- discuss why it is hard to talk about - talk about nonthreatening topics (ex: birth control methods)

What is the three step approach to saying no?

- express appreciation for the invitation - say no in a clear, unquivocal fashion - offer alternatives

What are examples of nonverbal sexual communication?

- facial expressions - interpersonal distance - touching (can convey special messages or defuse anger) - sounds (can indicate, hinder, or increase arousal)

How does proximity and similarity play into falling in love?

- geographic nearness of one person to another - greater proximity often reflects shared interests - similarity of beliefs, interests, and values

attachment

- intense emotional tie between two individuals - rooted in infancy

What are components of similarities between beliefs, interests, and values?

- level of physical attractiveness - age, educational status, and religion - race and ethnicity

Game-playing love style (ludus)

- like to play the field and acquire many sexual "conquests" with little or no commitment - love is for fun, the act of seduction is to be enjoyed, and relationships are to remain casual and transitory

Discussing sexual preferences

- matter of preference: some feel comfortable; some do not

How does physical attractiveness play into falling in love?

- physical beauty - important in early stages; draws people together - may be an indicator of physical health - males place greater emphasis on physical attractiveness

Relationship between love and sex

- relationships between the two is not always clear - "friends with benefits" - gender differences: women may feel more emotionally involved

What are the key components to a lasting love relationship?

- self-acceptance and acceptance of a partner - appreciation of each other and commitment - good communication, realistic expectations, and shared interests - equality in decision making - ability to face and deal with conflict

What is Love?

- special attribute with behavioral and emotional components - means different things to different people - difficult to measure

Passionate Love

- state of extreme absorption in another person - also known as romantic love

What are characteristics of high quality relationships?

- supportive communication - companionship - sexual expression and variety - seeing partner as a best friend - maintaining frequent positive interaction

How can you learn to make requests?

- taking responsibility for our own pleasure * people not mind readers - making requests specific - the more specific the request, the more one will be understood - using "I" language - forthright approach brings about the desired response more easily

What are ways to break the ice?

- talking about talking - reading and discussing - sharing sexual histories

Romantic Love Style (eros)

- tend to place their emphasis on physical beauty as they search for ideal mates - erotic lovers that delight in the visual beauty and tactile and sensual pleasures provided by their lover's body - tend to be very affectionate and openly communicative with their partner

Possessive love style (mania)

- tend to seek obsessive love relationships, which are often characterized by turmoil and jealousy - these people live a roller-coaster style of love, in which each display of affection from the lover brings ecstasy and the mildest slight produces painful agitation

Jealousy-prone person

- tends to have low self-esteem and place a high value on wealth and popularity - jealousy precipitates partner violence

How does reciprocity play into falling in love?

- when we are recipients of expressions of liking or loving, we tend to respond in kind - increases self-esteem

How are women different than men with jealousy?

- women are more likely to acknowledge feelings of jealousy - men tend to focus more on sexual involvement with another

What are the three dimensions of love according to Sternberg's theory?

Intimacy, Commitment, Passion make up the different kinds of love.

What is nonlove?

absence of intimacy, commitment, passion

Committment

being dedicated to a certain person

What are Lee's Styles of Loving?

characteristics of intimate human relationships

What is empty love?

commitment alone

Over time, the levels of Sternberg's Love Components....

commitment and intimacy increase, while passion decreases until it levels out

Which is more fulfilling according to research, passionate or companionate?

companionate

What happens when all three dimensions are present in the triangular theory of love?

consummate love

Sharing sexual histories

depends on needs and feelings

What is the most important role of communication?

establish and maintain consent in sexual experiences

mere exposure effect

familiarity breeds liking or loving

What is liking?

intimacy alone

What is romantic love?

intimacy and passion

What are some neurotransmitters?

norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine (PEA), and endorphins

How are adult intimate relationships an attachment process?

parent-child attachment styles are transferred

What is infatuation?

passion alone

What is fatuous love?

passion and commitment

Giving permission

providing reassurance to one's partner that is is okay to talk about specific feelings or needs

What is a potential impact of hormonal contraception use in women?

reduced attractiveness to potential partners due to altered chemical fertility signals

What is the hypothesis of Lee's Styles of Loving?

relationship success is influenced by compatibility in styles of loving

Ainsworth's attachment styles

secure, insecure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant attachment

Passion

sexual desire, how attractive someone may be to you, etc.

Mutual empathy

underlying knowledge that each partner in a relationship cares for the other and knows that this care is reciprocated

How to avoid sending mixed messages?

when nonverbal messages contradict verbal messages, partners can have difficulty in grasping our true intention