Water by the Spoonful - Elliot

YAZ: Spitting image.

I think she grew those.

YAZ: Shut up.

I walked into the casting office, flashed my pearly whites, showed them my military ID and I charmed them.

Y. So, go. He didn't fall out of love with the family, just me.

I'm going to ask him who he's been screwing behind your back.

YAZ: And I got your back.

I'm just saying, pick up the phone and ask, "Do you need anything, Elliot?"

YAZ. I'll be in the car. (Exits.)

I'm late, too, so ...

Y. There was a verdict. William fell out of love with me.

I've never seen you two argue.

AMAN: I'm helping with the translations, I have a small stake and I want the movie to be accurate. And you seem not unintelligent. For a maker of sandwiches. (Hands him a business card) He's in L.A. In case you want a career change. I give you a cup of sugar, you give me a cup of sugar.

If I have a minute, I'll dial the digits. (Takes the business card) So what's it mean?

YAZ (Getting it): What, are you supposed to be a gardener all of a sudden?

It doesn't rain for a month and do I grab the hose and water Mom's garden one time?

YAZ: William relinquished mourning privileges. You fall out of love with me, you lose certain rights. He calls talking about, "I want the condo." **** that. **** that. Coming from you it won't seem bitter. Wants the ****ing condo all for hisself. That I decorated, that I painted. "Oh, and where's the funeral, by the way?" You know, he's been to four funerals in the Ortiz clan and I could feel it, there was a part of him, under it all, that was disgusted. The open casket. The prayers.

It is disgusting.

YAZ: Text message, don't hang up. (She looks at her phone. A moment, then) You still there?

It was my dad wasn't it? Yaz, spit it out.

AMAN: You tell me.

It's just a phrase. If you don't want to translate, just say so.

AMAN: An odd phrase.

It's like a song I can't get out of my head.

AMAN: Yazmin didn't tell me what this is for.

It's not for anything.

YAZ: Okay.

Jefferson Hospital. They admitted her three hours ago. Pop had the courtesy to text me.

YAZ: I was starting to get worried. How you holding?

Joe's Gym, perfect remedy.

AMAN.You need something translated.

Just a phrase. Thanks, man.

YAZ: Are you still at work?

Just smashed the bathroom mirror all over the floor. Boss sent me out to the parking lot.

YAZ: One more condition. I go to Puerto Rico with you. We scatter her ashes together.

Mami Ginny couldn't be buried in Philly. She had to have her ashes thrown at a waterfall in El Yunque, just to be the most Puerto Rican motherfucher around.

YAZ: The elders want a good Spanish sermon.

Mami Ginny was it. You're the elder now.

AMAN: Can I see? (Elliot pulls dog tags from under his shirt) Romantic gift. You were in the army.

Marines.

YAZ: I did speak to your dad. Everyone's gathering at the house. People start arriving from PR in a few hours. The next door neighbor brought over two trays of pigs feet.

I just threw up in my mouth.

YAZ: For that big cheeseburger smile?

"Sonrisa, baby!" (Yaz cracks up laughing, which devolves into tears.) How we gonna pay for Orchid Paradise?

YAZ: Wait there. I'm on my way.

"Your mom is on breathing machine." Who texts that? Who texts that and then doesn't pick up the phone?

YAZ: Unlike Julia.

"¡Ay dios mio! ¡Ay! ¡Ay!"

AMAN: When?

A few years ago.

AMAN: Mom-ken men fad-luck ted-dini ga-waz saf-far-i. Mom-ken men-fadluck ted-dini gawaz saffari. Am I saying that right?

(Spooked): Spot on.

YAZ (Handing him some papers): Brochures. I was being indecisive so the florist went to work on a wedding bouquet. I ruled out seven, you make the final call. Celebration of Life, Blooming Garden, Eternity Wreath.

All of those have carnations. I don't want a carnation within a block of the church.

GHOST: Momken men-fadluck ted-dini gawaz saffari?

All right, that'll be ready in fifteen minutes. One sec for your total. (Elliot gets a text message. He reads it; his entire demeanor shifts.) Lar, I just got a text. There's a family emergency, I can't do this order right now.

YAZ: You told me to eliminate seven. I eliminated seven. Close your eyes and point.

Am I a particularly demanding person?

YAZ: It was your dad.

And? Yaz, I'm about to start walking down Lancaster Avenue for thirty miles till I get back to Philly and I don't care if I snap every wire out my leg and back—I need to get out of here. I need to see Mom, I need to talk to her!

AMAN: It's not just to interview. He needs a right-hand man, an expert to help him. How do Marines hold a gun? How do they kick in civilian doors, this sort of thing. How do they say "Ooh-rah" in a patriotic manner?

Are you his headhunter or something?

YAZ: Orchid Paradise.

Aw damn. Damn. That looks like Mom's garden.

YAZ: This is becoming a second career.

Because you're the only one who doesn't cry.

YAZ: Right next to the tomatoes.

But hers were yellow. Fuch.

YAZ: I'm twenty-nine.

But you don't look a day over fifty.

Y. Did I ever say, "It's possible"?

By example.

YAZ: Little white lies.

Can you do the sermon?

AMAN: Eh, your sister's cute.

Cousin. I wrote it phonetically. You grow up speaking Arabic?

YAZ: I saw your Colgate ad.

Dang, cousin Yaz watches Spanish TV?

YAZ: Don't be a pig. You've had four leg surgeries, no more boxing.

Did Odessa call?

A. Yazmin, forgive me. You must be ...

Elliot Ortiz. Nice to meet you, I appreciate it.

YAZ: I bet in his family, funerals are rare occasions. I bet he's never seen a cousin get arrested. Let alone one under the age of eighteen. I bet he never saw his eight-year-old cousin sipping rum through a twisty straw or . . . I just remembered this time cousin Maria was babysitting me . . .

Fat Maria or Buck Tooth Maria?

GHOST: Momken men-fadluck ted-dini gawaz saffari?

Five chocolate chip cookies, one oatmeal raisin. Three Baked Lay's, three Doritos. Two Sprite Zeros, one Barq's, one Coke, two orange sodas. How'd I do?

Y. Alright, we'll go.

Five more minutes. Tonight on the way home, we gotta stop by Whole Foods.

AMAN: Iraq?

For a minute.

YAZ: Do it.

Give me a dollar.

Y. Go ahead.

He was just texting me about going to the Phillies game on Sunday.

YAZ: Sitting in the pew knowing what freaks we are.

He's good people.

YAZ: I was probably at his side doing the same thing, thinking I'm removed, that I'm somehow different.

Hey, hey, done.

AMAN: Still in the service?

Honorable discharge. Leg injury.

YAZ: No. Not exactly.

How much does it cost? Yaz, this is my mom we're talking about.

YAZ: I was dyeing her hair. I had never dyed hair before so I asked her to read me the next step and she handed me the box and said, "You read it." And I said, "My rubber gloves are covered in toxic goop, I can't really hold that right now." And so she held it in front of my eyes and said, "You gonna have to read it because I sure as hell can't."

I been knowed that.

AMAN: You're asking me for a favor. (Pause) Yazmin told me you're an actor. Every actor needs a break, right?

I did enough Q&As about the service. People manipulate you with the questions.

YAZ: It's very odd to order flowers when someone dies. Because the flowers are just gonna die, too. "Would you like some death with your death?"

I didn't water them.

Y. That's Ginny. The more stubborn she's being, the better she's feeling.

I gave those eggs to the dogs when she went to the bathroom.

YAZ: You went boxing? Really?

I had to blow off steam. Women don't get it.

AMAN: You must have some familiarity with Arabic to remember it so clearly.

Maybe I heard it on TV or something.

YAZ: In Greek mythology, the river through the underworld—

My mom's on a machine and you're dropping vocab words?!

Y. We're on a committee together.

My shift starts in fifteen.

AMAN: Were you reluctant to tell me that?

No.

Y. Progress.

No. The docs said she can't be eating all that junk, it'll mess with her chemo, so she crawls out of bed for the first time in days and cooks eggs for breakfast. In two inches of pork chop fat. I'm like, Mom, recycle glass and plastic, not grease. She thinks putting the egg on top of a paper towel after you cook it makes it healthy. I told her, Mom, you gotta cook egg whites. In Pam spray. But it has to be her way. Like, "That's how we ate them in Puerto Rico and we turned out fine." You gotta talk to her. I'm trying to teach her about quinoa. Broccoli rabe. Healthy shit. So I get home the other day, she had made quinoa with bacon. She was like, "It's healthy!"

AMAN: A college buddy is making a film about Marines in Iraq. Gritty, documentary-style. He's looking for some veterans to interview. Get an authentic point of view. Maybe I could pass your number onto him.

Nope. No interviews for this guy.

YAZ: They should have a frequent-flower card. They punch a hole. Buy nine funeral bouquets, get the tenth free. We'd be living in a house full of lilies. Look at that guy. Arranging his daisies like little treasures. What do you think it's like to be him? To be normal?

Normal? A hundred bucks says that dude has a closet full of animal porno at home.

YAZ: You didn't want your buddies to see you working a normal job.

Not normal job. Shit job. I'm a butler. A porter of sandwiches.

YAZ: I said, "But you graduated from high school." She said, "They just pass you, I just stood in the back." I was in fourth grade. I could read! (Pause) I have a degree written in Latin that I don't even understand. I paid seventeen thousand dollars for my piano.

Oh shit.

YAZ: You gotta do me a favor in return. I know this is your tragedy but . . . Call William. Ask him not to come to the funeral.

Oh shit.

GHOST: Momken men-fadluck ted-dini gawaz saffari?

That's three teriyaki onion with chicken. First with hots and onions. Second with everything. Third with extra bacon. Two spicy Italian with American cheese on whole grain. One BMT on flatbread. Good so far?

YAZ: Thank you, it's not like she had Gucci purses!

People just need to manufacture drama.

YAZ: She had a good morning. You wanted your thing translated.

She cooked and I wouldn't eat a bite off the fork. There's a Subway hoagies around the corner and I had to work half an hour away.

Y. You said she had a good morning.

She cooked breakfast.

Yaz. ...Let's take five. (As students file out, Yaz makes a phone call. Lights up on Elliot outside the Subway.) ("What's the bad news?") You called three times.

She's still alive.

AMAN: Do you mind me asking, what's around your neck?

Something my girl gave me.

AMAN: English. What's your native tongue?

Spanglish. (Hands Aman a piece of paper)

HAIKUMOM: Chutes&Ladders, I'm buying you a pair of water wings.

Subway Main Line. Lar! Laaar, what's it doing for you today? Staying in the shade? I got you, how many you need? Listen, the delivery guy's out and my little sports injury is giving me hell so can you pick up? Cool, sorry for the inconvenience. Let me grab a pen. A'ight, pick a hoagie, any hoagie!

Y. We did, we just had smiles on our faces.

That's bullshit. You don't divorce someone before you even have a fight with them. I'm calling him.

YAZ: You were feeding her. Giving her meds. Bathing her. I could've come over and watered a leaf. A single petal.

The last four days, she'd wake me up in the middle of the night. "Did you water the flowers?" "Yeah, Mom, just like you told me to yesterday." "Carry me out back, I want to see." "Mom, you're too heavy, I can't carry you down those steps one more time today."

YAZ: He saw the obit in the Daily News.

They were close. Mami Ginny loved that blond hair. She was the madrina of your wedding.

*Show Opens*

This guy ain't coming. How do you know him?

YAZ: Apparently a fight broke out over who gets your mom's pocketbooks.

Those pleather things from the ten-dollar store?

Y. You wanna be my witness?

To what?

YAZ: You know how she is. Shutting herself out from the world.

We need help this week.

Y. You've been saying that for months and I've been keeping my mouth closed. I just need a John Hancock.

What happened to "trial separation?"

YAZ: Ginny's been to Hades and back, stronger each time.

What is Hades?

AMAN: This is a long time to have a phrase stuck in your head.

What is this, man?

YAZ: I'll be there within twenty.

Why did I come to work today?

Y. My now-legal failure. I'm divorced.

Yaz, I don't want to hear that.

A. Professor Aman. (They shake.) We'll have to make this short and sweet, my lecture begins ... began ... well, talk fast

Yaz, give us a second?

Y. Sure, I need toothpaste.

Yaz, you gotta help me with my mom.

YAZ: He said they were tearing through Ginny's closets like it was a shopping spree. "I want this necklace!" "I want the photo album!" "Yo, those chancletas are mine!" I'm like, damn, let Ginny be buried first.

Yo, let's spend the day here.

YAZ: Five hundred more. Just for the casket piece.

You can't lie for shit, you never could.

YAZ: You're the face of Main Line Chevrolet. (Pause) Can I do it in English?

You could do it in Russian for all I care. I'll just be in the front row acting like my cheek is itchy so no one sees me crying.

YAZ (In agreement): Graveside Remembrances? That looks something like it . . . I'm renominating Graveside Remembrances. Putting it back on the table.

You couldn't find anything tropical? Yaz, you could find a needle in a damn haystack and you couldn't find a bird of paradise or something?

YAZ: Now, look here.

You did find something.

YAZ: He just shoved some brochures in my hand.

You have an awful poker face.

YAZ: Yes. What's so wrong with a carnation?

You know what a carnation says to the world? That they were out of roses at the 7-Eleven. It should look something like Mom's garden.

YAZ: It's different when it's ideas. Talking about ideas isn't saying something, it's making syllables with your mouth.

You love ideas. All you ever wanted to do was have ideas.

Y. ... And you can only live in mediocrity so long.

You two are the dog and the owner that look like each other. Y'all are The Cosby Show. Conundrum, Yaz and William make a funny, end of episode. You show all us cousins, maybe we can't ever do it ourselves, but it is possible.

Y. No one, Elliot.

You were tappin' some extra on the side?

YAZ: I hate public speaking.

You're a teacher.

YAZ: It was an elaborate bait and switch. The ideas don't fill the void, they just help you articulate it.

You've spoken at city hall. On the radio.