Gray-Starner: Hocker & Wilmot Ch.10

Definition of forgiveness

"forgiveness is giving up the idea of a better past"

Interpersonal dimensions of forgiveness

-can be seen as the decision to reduce negative thoughts, affect, and behavior, such as blame, anger, toward an offender or hurtful situation and to begin to gain better understanding of the offense or offender

Strand of empathy

-developing empathy for the offender important to reconciliation -can be simple --> acknowledge they're human they're human -does not require that one embrace one's victimizer -does help us to see both the victimizer can suffer as the result of a crime or wrong doing --> haven't forgiven self

Dealing with imbalance of power

-distinction between forgiveness & reconciliation is crucial when there is a serious power imbalance between 2 parties or an individual & a situation -expectation can be used to preserve the power of imbalance

Getting stuck

-eddie: area where it is safe to pull over -stuck for long time person may cycle in an eddy until they get even -person may even drop out or disengage before it is completed

Misconceptions about forgiveness

-forgiveness dismisses or minimizes an event -forgiveness is indifferent to justice (forgive but still hold person accountable) -forgiveness is a sign of weakness (strong women in murder clip) -forgiveness can be granted on behalf of someone else -forgiveness & reconciliation are the same thing

Personal dimensions of forgiveness

-forgiveness is giving up the idea of a better past

Strand of truth

-having own's own truth denied is a big obstacle to forgiving another person -truth needs to be recognized; people need to be able to acknowledge & communicate about what happened -dialogue is an important part of this process

Strand of forbearance

-involves restraint -"to forebear means to refrain revenge or punishment after someone has hurt or transgressed us -not ignoring or abandoning but channeling strong emotions -needing a break from another person

Memory & forgiveness

-memory is essential to the forgiveness process because it is central to the identity of individuals, peoples, & nations. -it may reduce the susceptibility to repeated injury in the future. -memories should not be used to justify more harm, for this creates a circle from which no one may escape.

Strand of commitment

-recognizing interdependence & making agreement to work together to resolve things -today people more interdependence than realized

What's to forgive?

-relational harm or transgressions (someone has broken relational rule) -hurtful messages (accusations, threats) -disagreements about $, alcohol, drug use, time spent w/ other ppl, healthcare decisions -deception -betrayal -disconfirmation -aggression (physical/verbal)

Receiving Forgiveness

-shift attention away from ourselves, away from fear of retribution or of our own feelings of guilt -no longer focus exclusively on the harm we caused -look beyond what we did and how the actions affected another person -must wait for forgiveness to come form the person who was harmed

Good apologies

1.) acknowledgment of harm without accompanying justification 2.) acceptance rather than deflection of responsibility 3.) sincere expression of regret or remorse 4.) reparation in some form 5.) assurance of safety the sake of future relationships 6.) reaffirmation or clarification of shared values so that both parties will understand the terms of any future relationship 7.) In rare cases an apology may require an explanation if it is requested by the injured party

characteristics of an apology

1.) that there is essential agreement as to the nature of the violation 2.) that the other person acknowledges the hurt & pain that the violation caused 3.) that the offending person will make an apology for the hurt and pain that the violation caused

Decision or process?

an element of forgiveness enters almost every forgiveness process & a kind of process figures in every decision. this is true even if the process only seems to contain 2 steps of grieving the original injury or transgression & letting go -clients decide to not be victims of their emotions & move forward

Process over decision

3 step model of forgiveness that makes logical sense 1.) injured innocence 2.) obsession 3.) transcendence

Suspect apologies

Three forms: 1.) expedient: private, benefits who offers the apology/provides little or no benefit to the person who's harmed 2.) compelled: empty because it is offered w/o a an adequate understanding of the full effect of ones actions ex.) coworker forced 3.) delayed or surrogate: someone far removed from wrongdoing accepts responsibility for the harm & offers an apology on behalf of no longer people present

Forgiving self

We must reconcile 2 different images of our self: 1.) person we think we are (would like to be); may resist the truth about the part of ourselves that told the lie, disregarded his parents, or betrayal of friend 2.) person who caused someone harm -yes I am both of these people

Gestures

may indicate that the process of forgiveness is underway or may have been completed in an implicit way ex.) kissing in a relationship

Reconciliation

the process of repairing a relationships so that reengagement, trust, & cooperation become possible after transgression or violation -strand of truth -strand of forbearance -strand of empathy -strand of commitment