HD 462 Test 3

4 common causes of conflict

-criticism: acts perceived as demeaning or derogatory -illegitimate demands: requests that exceed normal expectations -rebuffs: partner fails to respond as expected -cumulative annoyances: trivial events that become irritating with repetition

demand and withdraw (middle stages of conflict)

-when one partner makes demands of the other while the other partner avoids confrontation, withdraws, and becomes defensive

postdissolution relationships (break-ups)

1. churning 2. friendship (at least for a while); commitment gradually fades entirely 3. awkward uncomfortable interactions; jealousy rebuffed sexual advances; occasional hoop ups, support, forgiveness, true friendship

5 steps to divorce

1. personal phase: partner grows dissatisfied 2. dyadic phase: dissatisfied partner reveals feelings, long periods of negotiation and confrontation 3. social phase: partners publicize distress to friends and family to seek support, memories are revised to fit story of relationship 4.grave-dressing phase: relationship ends, mourning decreases, put past behind 5. resurrection phase: ex-partners re-enter social life as singles

PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program)

12 hours of training across 5 sessions discussing -power of commitment to change outlooks and behaviors -importance of having fun together -value of open communication about sex -consequences of inappropriate expectations

Karney and Bradbury's Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation Model

3 influences that contribute to divorce; people enter marriages with enduring vulnerabilities that increase risk for divorce, but can change risk through adaptation process -enduing vulnerabilities: adversive experiences, dysfunctional attitudes -adaptive processes: how we cope with stress -stressful events: may be normative (expected) or nonnormative (unexpected)

indirect tactics

Manage the conflict in a less straightforward manner, one's displeasure is veiled, and one's intentions are less explicit -ex: implied negativity, depressive affect

forgiveness

a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt someone who has wronged you

accommodation

ability to remain constructive in face of a lover's temporary disregard; resisting impulse to fight fire with fire

voice

active and constructive -ex: getting advice from a therapist

self-perpetuating

as one person demands, the other withdraws, which makes the other demand even more

4 responses to conflict

based on two dimensions: how active one is during conflict, and how constructive approach is -exit,voice,neglect,loyalty

disillusionment model

begin marriage with unrealistic romanticized views of relationship that are unrealistically positive -best predictor of divorce; most couples destined for divorce were most affectionate when marriage began

parental conflict

being around conflict is associated with anxiety and is bad for children -kids whose parents are together but have constant conflict fare worse than those who divorce

parent loss model

children presumed to benefit most from 2 parents -loss of any parent for any reason is detrimental and may cause deficits -if divorce occurs, child is better when spend time with both parents

engagement

can lead to negotiation or escalation -if negotiate: issue is generalized, attributions of blame made, general intensification -if escalate: conflict heats up

direct tactics

explicitly challenge one's partner -ex: accusations, hostile commands, sarcastic putdowns

lying

fabricating info or making statements that contradict the truth

cognitive maintenance mechanisms

how we think about our relationships; involve change in perception/judgement of others and their relationships -cognitive interdependence: change of thinking from "me" to "we" -positive illusions: partners idealize their relationship and believe theirs is better than most (perceived superiority) -inattention to alternatives -derogation of tempting alternatives: putting down people who could compete with your relationship

betrayal

hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we did not expect such misbehavior

deception

intentional behavior that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows is false

ostracism

intentional silent treatment -67% admitted giving to their intimate partner: feel effective way to punish partners, avoid confrontation, or calm down after conflict -rarely effective; partner often doesn't understand why receiving cold shoulder and can't find out why; being ostracized lowers ability to process info and make more impulsive choices -people in high self-esteem more likely to end relationship with ostracizers; low self-esteem more likely to put up with ostracism but be spiteful and ostracize others

half-truths

mixing truthful and deceptive info

interpersonal conflict

occurs when ones motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behavior are incompatible with another

dialects

opposing motivations in a relationship -autonomy and connection: can't simultaneously maintain high independence and high interdependence -openness and closedness: we self-disclose info with our partners but also enjoy our privacy -stability and change: want to maintain and protect good relationships but stability can be boring -integration and separation from others: would you rather spend time with partner or someone/thing else -4 dialects account for more than 1/3 of recent fights in married couples

self-help (repairing relationships)

self-help books, TV, friend advice -pros: inexpensive, helpful if ashamed to go to therapy, easily accessible, gives reader positive attitude and encouragement -cons: not always reliable, backgrounds of writers vary, leave readers to diagnose own problems, imply change is easy and over-optimistic, solution not individually tailored, no one to monitor compliance or give feedback

enduring dynamics model

spouses get married even though they know they have problems and incompatibilities -marriages that start out weakest, remain weakest and eventually divorce

preventative maintenance

taking care of issues before major problems arise -premarital counseling and PREP program

relational value

the degree to which others consider their relationships with us to be valuable, important, or close

envy

when we wish we had what someone else has

who is more likely to forgive?

-secure attachment -high in agreeableness: better at separating blame from anger -close, committed partners -empathy: people who can imagine why their partners behaved the way they did and who feel some compassion for those partners are more likely to forgive

Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT)

-seeks to encourage more desirable behavior and to teach the partners to tolerantly accept incompatibilities they can't change -teach spouses adaptive emotional reactions to nuisances they will inevitably face

Cognitive Behavior Couple Therapy (CBCT)

-addresses disregard and negative feelings couples have towards each other -focus on cognitions and judgments of each other -addresses selective attention, expectancies, attribution

individuals perspectives on divorce

-adjustment: stress and negative feelings don't necessarily end when divorce finalized; lots of changes in social networks and economic resources but many report better off leaving than remaining in miserable relationship -2/3 who get divorced after mid-20s remarry usually within 4 years -whether or not remarry 3/4 report divorce was good thing -spend more time with friends for social support -lose about 1/2 of friends especially married friends -women's standard of living decreases (income drops 36%) -men's standard of living increases (income increases 34%)

relationship maintenance strategies

-communication -positivity -openness -assurances -sharing tasks -joint activities -relationship talk -understanding -sharing social networks

what factors predict and influence divorce?

-cultural: broadest level; no fault divorces, economic opportunities -personal: more idiosyncratic; social networks of family and friends -relational: intimate environment the couple creates; interactions with each other

Who gets jealous?

-dependency: people who feel need a particular partner -when alternatives are low=more prone -worry that can't measure up to their partner's expectations -low self-confidence -high self-esteem; get jealous over perception how much partner needs you, if doubt ability to fulfill partner -mate-value: matching may feel threatened if you think others will be after your partner and that your partner could do better -attachment: preocuppied and fearfuls most jealous then secure and dismissing -personality: high in neuroticism more prone; agreeable less prone -sexual exclusivity: those who value experience less suspicious jealousy but more reactive jealousy if cheating occurs -gender roles: macho men and feminine women experience more jealousy then androgynous; rigid expectation leave less room for opposite sex friends

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFCT)

-derived from attachment theory -reestablish desirable patterns of interactions by primarily focusing on emotions partners experience as they seek to fulfill their attachment needs -replace destructive interactions with those that allow partners to feel safe, love, and securely connected

breaking up with premarital partners

-direct vs. indirect telling: more people use indirect -other vs. self oriented: whether or not partner tries to protect other partner's feelings in disengagement -gradual vs. sudden: usually gradual process -individual vs. shared -rapid vs. protracted -presence vs. absence of repair attempts -can have different combo of all these

independence hypothesis

-economic freedom makes divorce more likely -the more money a women makes, the more likely she will get divorced -when either spouse earns a lot less money, their marriage is less likely to end in divorce

sociological conditions and divorce

-ethnicity: 35% white, 55% black couples divorce; black couples more likely to cohabit, have kids before marriage, have lower income, and come from broken homes, therefore not genetic difference but confound with sociological factors -education: more education= less likely to get divorce except in black men

outcomes to conflict

-separation: one or both partners withdraw without resolving conflict -domination: one partner gets his/her way; aversive for loser, often breeding ill will and resentment -compromise: both parties reduce aspirations, neither party gets everything

getting over it

-ex-lovers expressed anger, sadness, eroded feelings of courage and strength, but after 2 weeks feelings reduced, feelings no different than peers after 4 weeks -responses can depend on relationship; being rejected hurts more than doing the rejecting -rumination prolongs our distress -reflection seeks meaning in our experiences and is associated with positive adjustment and recovery -high anxiety over abandonment more likely to have trouble letting go and sadder longer

coping with betrayal

-face up to it; people fare less well when pretend it didn't happen, wallow in negative emotions , rely on drugs and alcohol to medicate pain -reinterpret it in a positive light and use for personal growth -rely on friends and support system -don't seek revenge; vengeful tend to ruminate about betrayal more and are generally less happy

hostile couples

-fail to maintain 5:1 ratio of rewards to costs in approaches to conflict -lots of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal

relationships between former partners

-fiery foes: angry, little capacity to work together -angry associates: angry but have some capacity to work together -cooperative colleagues: not good friends but cooperate successfully -perfect pals: strong friendship and mutual respect -about 1/2 get along (38% cooperative 12% perfect pals) and 1/2 distressed relationships (25% angry 25% fiery)

Behavioral Couple Therapy (BCT)

-focuses on replacing present negative interactions with more gracious and generous actions -express affection -manage conflict coolly -do things that please partner

volatile couples

-have frequent and passionate arguments -high levels of both positive and negative affect -engage in conflict often, but do so respectfully

individual differences in betrayal

-higher in whites -lower among older, better educated, and religious -repeated betrayers are unhappy, maladjusted, resentful, vengeful, suspicious -men betray romantic partners and business associates; women betray friends and family members

coping with jealousy

-learn to recognize it -reduce connection between exclusivity of a relationship and sense of self-worth -self-reliance: remaining calm, avoiding feeling angry, refusing to dwell on unfairness of situations -self-bolstering: boosting self-esteem by doing something nice for yourself -therapy

detecting lies

-lies are shorter and less detailed; when detailed, delivered more confusingly -nonverbal behavior: speaking in hesitantly in high pitch, grammar errors, slips of tongue, dilated pupils, blinking often, usually can't tell by facial expression (people know to look sincere) -hard to tell unless really know someone well, but then truth bias interferes -women are better decoders but are more trusting, therefore don't see gender differences

importance of maintenance

-maintenance behavior associated with greater fondness and commitment -most important behaviors: positivity, assurances, sharing tasks

lying and gender differences

-men more likely to lie about income aspirations, goals, and commitment to relationship -women more likely to promise but not provide sex, cry out in pleasure during sex, and fake orgasm

children of divorce

-more likely to experience depression, anxiety, use drugs, become delinquent, do poor in school, but effects are not large -impact is negative but modest, many have no difficulties -children inherit risk of unstable marriages (neuroticism, impulsivity) and difficulties (economic hardships) that come from divorce

validator couples

-more polite but still become heated in conflict -frequently validate other partner by expressing empathy and understanding

responses to jealousy: attachment styles

-more secure attachment more likely to express their concerns and try to repair relationship -avoidants more likely to avoid issue or deny distress by pretending nothing is wrong or acting like they don't care

lying and relationships

-most common lie is one that benefits liar (warding of embarrassment, guilt, inconvenience, seeking approval) -1/4 lies told to benefit others (protect others feelings or advance their interest) -fewer lies told to lovers and friends but the biggest deceptions often occur in our intimate relationships (more likely to conceal info, but less likely to make explicitly false statements)

who lies?

-outgoing and sociable: care more about impressions they make on others -insecure attachments: avoidance and anxiety positively correlate with lying -frequent liars aren't necessarily better liars: motivation can make liar more transparent because you care less about passing the lie you tend to deliver it more smoothly

factors that influence conflict

-personality: high neuroticism=high conflict; high agreeableness= fewer conflicts and compromise easier -attachment style: anxious believe there is more conflict than their partners, apprehension may create conflicts -similarity of preferences: less similar=more conflict -life stage: parent-child conflict decreases over adolescence but mid adolescence when does occur is more heated than early; couple have less conflict later in life (60s vs 40s) -alcohol: intoxication exacerbates conflict; tend to be more hostile and blaming

beginning stages of conflict

-predisposing conditions: we have a conflict of interest of some sort, stress, resentment, etc. -initiating events: something happens to block our goals -engagement or avoidance: choice comes into play, if issue is avoided both partners must be willing to avoid issue, otherwise issue is addressed and escalation occurs

Insight-Oriented Couple Therapy (IOCT)

-psychodynamic approach that assumes people carry unconscious scars from past relationships without their knowledge which complicate present relationships -emphasizes individual vulnerabilities and strives to help people comprehend how personal habits and assumptions they develop may be creating difficulties with present partners

avoider couples

-rarely argue, avoid confrontation -may discuss their conflicts but do so mildly and gingerly

Who gets us jealous?

-rivalry from friend -partner's former lovers -romantic rivals who have high mate value and make us look bad -men more jealous of other men who are self-confident, dominant, assertive; women more jealous of other women who are pretty

degrees of acceptance or rejection

-we are more sensitive to small differences that range from ambivalence to active inclusion -very hurtful to start high and end low; causes more negative reactions than even constant rejection -based on perception: how do we think others like us, not their actions towards us

why has divorced rate increased?

-we expect more out of marriage; we have higher cls -more working women have financial independence= no need to stay in bad marriages -those who have money trouble less content with marriages; make under $2500 are 2x likely to divorce than those who make $5000 -individualism and social mobility more valued -divorce is now easier and more acceptable -cohabitation is more common; cohabits least likely to commit to marriage -divorce is passed down: children of divorce are more likely to divorce themselves

behavioral maintenance mechanisms

-willingness to sacrifice -prayer that focuses on well-being of partner increases satisfaction -michelangelo phenomenon: encouragement helps partners grow -accommodation: swallow minor mistreatment; control impulses; tolerate bad moods; involves self-control -self-control: ability to manage impulses, control thoughts, persevere in pursuit of goals, and curb unwanted behavior -play: finding time to do things together -forgiveness: more committed are more likely to forgive betrayal

demand and withdraw gender differences

-women encouraged to be more communal and expressive; seek closeness -men encouraged to be independent; defends autonomy -men tend to have more power and likely to resist change, so if woman brings up conflict and he doesn't want change he will withdraw (wife isn't pleased but husband gets what he wants)

responses to jealousy: gender differences

-women show indifference but compete with rivals by making themselves more attractive to partner -men get drunk, confront or threaten rival, or pursue other women -women discuss or exaggerate their attraction to someone else, flirt with other men, test relationship; many women use this to induce jealousy so men improves relationship, but usually backfires and drives men away

exit

active and destructive -ex: walking out in the middle of a fight

reactive jealousy

actual threat to a valued relationship -occurs in response to realistic threat

negotiation

announce positions and work toward a solution in a sensible manner

emergent distress

argues that there no difference between marriage that succeed vs. fail -difficulties arise after marriage

truth bias

assuming partners are usually telling the truth so the relationship becomes more intimate -you are less likely to notice a lie because you trust your partner

divert attention

change topic to avoid discussing vital facts

relational devaluation

decreases in others regard for us causing hurt feelings -high anxiety over abandonment are more likely to experience hurt feelings -people with high avoidance tend to have low hurt, because they tend to avoid intimacy -people low in self-esteem tend to experience high hurt

conceal information

don't mention details that would communicate the truth

evolutionary perspective on jealousy

jealousy exists because it offers reproductive advantage and suggests men and women should be sensitive to different sorts of infidelity -emotional infidelity: possibility that partner is falling in love with someone else (important for women; men concerned with sexual infidelity)

passive inclusion

others allow us to be included

active exclusion

others avoid us, tolerating our presence only when necessary

maximal exclusion

others banish us, send us away, or abandon us -doesn't feel much worse then ambivalence (bad is bad)

ambivalence

others do not care whether we are included or not -people don't care if we are present or not; feels just as bad as being outright excluded

passive exclusion

others ignore us but don't avoid us

maximal inclusion

others seek us and go out of their way to interact with us

active inclusion

others welcome us but don't seek us out

suspicious jealousy

partner hasn't misbehaved and suspicions don't fit the facts -results in worried and mistrustful vigilance and snooping -almost everyone experiences reactive jealousy, but vary in amount of suspicious jealousy -reactive may lead to suspicious jealousy

attributional conflict

partners agree about what happened in conflict but disagree as to why person did it -due to actor/observer effects and self-serving bias -blame may depend on whether attributions are external/internal and stable/unstable

negative affect reciprocity

partners can fall into pattern in which they trade escalating provocations back and forth

structural improvements

partners get what they want and learn from the experience -usually result of significant turmoil or serious conflict; most people make positive changes after worst conflicts

loyalty

passive and constructive -ex: waiting for condition to improve

neglect

passive and destructive -ex: using passive aggressive behavior

churing

pattern of break-up, reconciliation, break-up -half experience pattern as teens -37% of cohabiting and 23% of married couples -associated with stress, uncertainty, and lower satisfaction

parental stress model

quality not quantity of parenting is most important -any stressor distracts from the parents effective parenting of their kids (ex: economic hardship)

jealousy

reaction to potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival -occurs when we are fearful of losing a valued relationship -hurt, fear, and anger common responses -society views changed overtime: 1950s way of proving love, 70s improper

integrative agreements

satisfy both partners goals and aspirations -takes effort and compromise

Levinger's Barrier Model

three factors influence breakup of a relationship -attraction: based on outcomes; enhanced by rewards, diminished by costs -alternatives: may lure partners away (other relationships, being single, work) -barriers: make it hard to leave, may be psychological (like guilt or embarrassment) or physical (like legal and social pressures, financial costs); insignificant if truly miserable

deceiver's distrust

when we lie to others, we are more likely to think they lie to us as well -assume others are like us -liars think lies are less harmless than recipients do