HD 462 Test 3
4 common causes of conflict
-criticism: acts perceived as demeaning or derogatory -illegitimate demands: requests that exceed normal expectations -rebuffs: partner fails to respond as expected -cumulative annoyances: trivial events that become irritating with repetition
demand and withdraw (middle stages of conflict)
-when one partner makes demands of the other while the other partner avoids confrontation, withdraws, and becomes defensive
postdissolution relationships (break-ups)
1. churning 2. friendship (at least for a while); commitment gradually fades entirely 3. awkward uncomfortable interactions; jealousy rebuffed sexual advances; occasional hoop ups, support, forgiveness, true friendship
5 steps to divorce
1. personal phase: partner grows dissatisfied 2. dyadic phase: dissatisfied partner reveals feelings, long periods of negotiation and confrontation 3. social phase: partners publicize distress to friends and family to seek support, memories are revised to fit story of relationship 4.grave-dressing phase: relationship ends, mourning decreases, put past behind 5. resurrection phase: ex-partners re-enter social life as singles
PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program)
12 hours of training across 5 sessions discussing -power of commitment to change outlooks and behaviors -importance of having fun together -value of open communication about sex -consequences of inappropriate expectations
Karney and Bradbury's Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation Model
3 influences that contribute to divorce; people enter marriages with enduring vulnerabilities that increase risk for divorce, but can change risk through adaptation process -enduing vulnerabilities: adversive experiences, dysfunctional attitudes -adaptive processes: how we cope with stress -stressful events: may be normative (expected) or nonnormative (unexpected)
indirect tactics
Manage the conflict in a less straightforward manner, one's displeasure is veiled, and one's intentions are less explicit -ex: implied negativity, depressive affect
forgiveness
a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt someone who has wronged you
accommodation
ability to remain constructive in face of a lover's temporary disregard; resisting impulse to fight fire with fire
voice
active and constructive -ex: getting advice from a therapist
self-perpetuating
as one person demands, the other withdraws, which makes the other demand even more
4 responses to conflict
based on two dimensions: how active one is during conflict, and how constructive approach is -exit,voice,neglect,loyalty
disillusionment model
begin marriage with unrealistic romanticized views of relationship that are unrealistically positive -best predictor of divorce; most couples destined for divorce were most affectionate when marriage began
parental conflict
being around conflict is associated with anxiety and is bad for children -kids whose parents are together but have constant conflict fare worse than those who divorce
parent loss model
children presumed to benefit most from 2 parents -loss of any parent for any reason is detrimental and may cause deficits -if divorce occurs, child is better when spend time with both parents
engagement
can lead to negotiation or escalation -if negotiate: issue is generalized, attributions of blame made, general intensification -if escalate: conflict heats up
direct tactics
explicitly challenge one's partner -ex: accusations, hostile commands, sarcastic putdowns
lying
fabricating info or making statements that contradict the truth
cognitive maintenance mechanisms
how we think about our relationships; involve change in perception/judgement of others and their relationships -cognitive interdependence: change of thinking from "me" to "we" -positive illusions: partners idealize their relationship and believe theirs is better than most (perceived superiority) -inattention to alternatives -derogation of tempting alternatives: putting down people who could compete with your relationship
betrayal
hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we did not expect such misbehavior
deception
intentional behavior that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows is false
ostracism
intentional silent treatment -67% admitted giving to their intimate partner: feel effective way to punish partners, avoid confrontation, or calm down after conflict -rarely effective; partner often doesn't understand why receiving cold shoulder and can't find out why; being ostracized lowers ability to process info and make more impulsive choices -people in high self-esteem more likely to end relationship with ostracizers; low self-esteem more likely to put up with ostracism but be spiteful and ostracize others
half-truths
mixing truthful and deceptive info
interpersonal conflict
occurs when ones motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behavior are incompatible with another
dialects
opposing motivations in a relationship -autonomy and connection: can't simultaneously maintain high independence and high interdependence -openness and closedness: we self-disclose info with our partners but also enjoy our privacy -stability and change: want to maintain and protect good relationships but stability can be boring -integration and separation from others: would you rather spend time with partner or someone/thing else -4 dialects account for more than 1/3 of recent fights in married couples
self-help (repairing relationships)
self-help books, TV, friend advice -pros: inexpensive, helpful if ashamed to go to therapy, easily accessible, gives reader positive attitude and encouragement -cons: not always reliable, backgrounds of writers vary, leave readers to diagnose own problems, imply change is easy and over-optimistic, solution not individually tailored, no one to monitor compliance or give feedback
enduring dynamics model
spouses get married even though they know they have problems and incompatibilities -marriages that start out weakest, remain weakest and eventually divorce
preventative maintenance
taking care of issues before major problems arise -premarital counseling and PREP program
relational value
the degree to which others consider their relationships with us to be valuable, important, or close
envy
when we wish we had what someone else has
who is more likely to forgive?
-secure attachment -high in agreeableness: better at separating blame from anger -close, committed partners -empathy: people who can imagine why their partners behaved the way they did and who feel some compassion for those partners are more likely to forgive
Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT)
-seeks to encourage more desirable behavior and to teach the partners to tolerantly accept incompatibilities they can't change -teach spouses adaptive emotional reactions to nuisances they will inevitably face
Cognitive Behavior Couple Therapy (CBCT)
-addresses disregard and negative feelings couples have towards each other -focus on cognitions and judgments of each other -addresses selective attention, expectancies, attribution
individuals perspectives on divorce
-adjustment: stress and negative feelings don't necessarily end when divorce finalized; lots of changes in social networks and economic resources but many report better off leaving than remaining in miserable relationship -2/3 who get divorced after mid-20s remarry usually within 4 years -whether or not remarry 3/4 report divorce was good thing -spend more time with friends for social support -lose about 1/2 of friends especially married friends -women's standard of living decreases (income drops 36%) -men's standard of living increases (income increases 34%)
relationship maintenance strategies
-communication -positivity -openness -assurances -sharing tasks -joint activities -relationship talk -understanding -sharing social networks
what factors predict and influence divorce?
-cultural: broadest level; no fault divorces, economic opportunities -personal: more idiosyncratic; social networks of family and friends -relational: intimate environment the couple creates; interactions with each other
Who gets jealous?
-dependency: people who feel need a particular partner -when alternatives are low=more prone -worry that can't measure up to their partner's expectations -low self-confidence -high self-esteem; get jealous over perception how much partner needs you, if doubt ability to fulfill partner -mate-value: matching may feel threatened if you think others will be after your partner and that your partner could do better -attachment: preocuppied and fearfuls most jealous then secure and dismissing -personality: high in neuroticism more prone; agreeable less prone -sexual exclusivity: those who value experience less suspicious jealousy but more reactive jealousy if cheating occurs -gender roles: macho men and feminine women experience more jealousy then androgynous; rigid expectation leave less room for opposite sex friends
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFCT)
-derived from attachment theory -reestablish desirable patterns of interactions by primarily focusing on emotions partners experience as they seek to fulfill their attachment needs -replace destructive interactions with those that allow partners to feel safe, love, and securely connected
breaking up with premarital partners
-direct vs. indirect telling: more people use indirect -other vs. self oriented: whether or not partner tries to protect other partner's feelings in disengagement -gradual vs. sudden: usually gradual process -individual vs. shared -rapid vs. protracted -presence vs. absence of repair attempts -can have different combo of all these
independence hypothesis
-economic freedom makes divorce more likely -the more money a women makes, the more likely she will get divorced -when either spouse earns a lot less money, their marriage is less likely to end in divorce
sociological conditions and divorce
-ethnicity: 35% white, 55% black couples divorce; black couples more likely to cohabit, have kids before marriage, have lower income, and come from broken homes, therefore not genetic difference but confound with sociological factors -education: more education= less likely to get divorce except in black men
outcomes to conflict
-separation: one or both partners withdraw without resolving conflict -domination: one partner gets his/her way; aversive for loser, often breeding ill will and resentment -compromise: both parties reduce aspirations, neither party gets everything
getting over it
-ex-lovers expressed anger, sadness, eroded feelings of courage and strength, but after 2 weeks feelings reduced, feelings no different than peers after 4 weeks -responses can depend on relationship; being rejected hurts more than doing the rejecting -rumination prolongs our distress -reflection seeks meaning in our experiences and is associated with positive adjustment and recovery -high anxiety over abandonment more likely to have trouble letting go and sadder longer
coping with betrayal
-face up to it; people fare less well when pretend it didn't happen, wallow in negative emotions , rely on drugs and alcohol to medicate pain -reinterpret it in a positive light and use for personal growth -rely on friends and support system -don't seek revenge; vengeful tend to ruminate about betrayal more and are generally less happy
hostile couples
-fail to maintain 5:1 ratio of rewards to costs in approaches to conflict -lots of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal
relationships between former partners
-fiery foes: angry, little capacity to work together -angry associates: angry but have some capacity to work together -cooperative colleagues: not good friends but cooperate successfully -perfect pals: strong friendship and mutual respect -about 1/2 get along (38% cooperative 12% perfect pals) and 1/2 distressed relationships (25% angry 25% fiery)
Behavioral Couple Therapy (BCT)
-focuses on replacing present negative interactions with more gracious and generous actions -express affection -manage conflict coolly -do things that please partner
volatile couples
-have frequent and passionate arguments -high levels of both positive and negative affect -engage in conflict often, but do so respectfully
individual differences in betrayal
-higher in whites -lower among older, better educated, and religious -repeated betrayers are unhappy, maladjusted, resentful, vengeful, suspicious -men betray romantic partners and business associates; women betray friends and family members
coping with jealousy
-learn to recognize it -reduce connection between exclusivity of a relationship and sense of self-worth -self-reliance: remaining calm, avoiding feeling angry, refusing to dwell on unfairness of situations -self-bolstering: boosting self-esteem by doing something nice for yourself -therapy
detecting lies
-lies are shorter and less detailed; when detailed, delivered more confusingly -nonverbal behavior: speaking in hesitantly in high pitch, grammar errors, slips of tongue, dilated pupils, blinking often, usually can't tell by facial expression (people know to look sincere) -hard to tell unless really know someone well, but then truth bias interferes -women are better decoders but are more trusting, therefore don't see gender differences
importance of maintenance
-maintenance behavior associated with greater fondness and commitment -most important behaviors: positivity, assurances, sharing tasks
lying and gender differences
-men more likely to lie about income aspirations, goals, and commitment to relationship -women more likely to promise but not provide sex, cry out in pleasure during sex, and fake orgasm
children of divorce
-more likely to experience depression, anxiety, use drugs, become delinquent, do poor in school, but effects are not large -impact is negative but modest, many have no difficulties -children inherit risk of unstable marriages (neuroticism, impulsivity) and difficulties (economic hardships) that come from divorce
validator couples
-more polite but still become heated in conflict -frequently validate other partner by expressing empathy and understanding
responses to jealousy: attachment styles
-more secure attachment more likely to express their concerns and try to repair relationship -avoidants more likely to avoid issue or deny distress by pretending nothing is wrong or acting like they don't care
lying and relationships
-most common lie is one that benefits liar (warding of embarrassment, guilt, inconvenience, seeking approval) -1/4 lies told to benefit others (protect others feelings or advance their interest) -fewer lies told to lovers and friends but the biggest deceptions often occur in our intimate relationships (more likely to conceal info, but less likely to make explicitly false statements)
who lies?
-outgoing and sociable: care more about impressions they make on others -insecure attachments: avoidance and anxiety positively correlate with lying -frequent liars aren't necessarily better liars: motivation can make liar more transparent because you care less about passing the lie you tend to deliver it more smoothly
factors that influence conflict
-personality: high neuroticism=high conflict; high agreeableness= fewer conflicts and compromise easier -attachment style: anxious believe there is more conflict than their partners, apprehension may create conflicts -similarity of preferences: less similar=more conflict -life stage: parent-child conflict decreases over adolescence but mid adolescence when does occur is more heated than early; couple have less conflict later in life (60s vs 40s) -alcohol: intoxication exacerbates conflict; tend to be more hostile and blaming
beginning stages of conflict
-predisposing conditions: we have a conflict of interest of some sort, stress, resentment, etc. -initiating events: something happens to block our goals -engagement or avoidance: choice comes into play, if issue is avoided both partners must be willing to avoid issue, otherwise issue is addressed and escalation occurs
Insight-Oriented Couple Therapy (IOCT)
-psychodynamic approach that assumes people carry unconscious scars from past relationships without their knowledge which complicate present relationships -emphasizes individual vulnerabilities and strives to help people comprehend how personal habits and assumptions they develop may be creating difficulties with present partners
avoider couples
-rarely argue, avoid confrontation -may discuss their conflicts but do so mildly and gingerly
Who gets us jealous?
-rivalry from friend -partner's former lovers -romantic rivals who have high mate value and make us look bad -men more jealous of other men who are self-confident, dominant, assertive; women more jealous of other women who are pretty
degrees of acceptance or rejection
-we are more sensitive to small differences that range from ambivalence to active inclusion -very hurtful to start high and end low; causes more negative reactions than even constant rejection -based on perception: how do we think others like us, not their actions towards us
why has divorced rate increased?
-we expect more out of marriage; we have higher cls -more working women have financial independence= no need to stay in bad marriages -those who have money trouble less content with marriages; make under $2500 are 2x likely to divorce than those who make $5000 -individualism and social mobility more valued -divorce is now easier and more acceptable -cohabitation is more common; cohabits least likely to commit to marriage -divorce is passed down: children of divorce are more likely to divorce themselves
behavioral maintenance mechanisms
-willingness to sacrifice -prayer that focuses on well-being of partner increases satisfaction -michelangelo phenomenon: encouragement helps partners grow -accommodation: swallow minor mistreatment; control impulses; tolerate bad moods; involves self-control -self-control: ability to manage impulses, control thoughts, persevere in pursuit of goals, and curb unwanted behavior -play: finding time to do things together -forgiveness: more committed are more likely to forgive betrayal
demand and withdraw gender differences
-women encouraged to be more communal and expressive; seek closeness -men encouraged to be independent; defends autonomy -men tend to have more power and likely to resist change, so if woman brings up conflict and he doesn't want change he will withdraw (wife isn't pleased but husband gets what he wants)
responses to jealousy: gender differences
-women show indifference but compete with rivals by making themselves more attractive to partner -men get drunk, confront or threaten rival, or pursue other women -women discuss or exaggerate their attraction to someone else, flirt with other men, test relationship; many women use this to induce jealousy so men improves relationship, but usually backfires and drives men away
exit
active and destructive -ex: walking out in the middle of a fight
reactive jealousy
actual threat to a valued relationship -occurs in response to realistic threat
negotiation
announce positions and work toward a solution in a sensible manner
emergent distress
argues that there no difference between marriage that succeed vs. fail -difficulties arise after marriage
truth bias
assuming partners are usually telling the truth so the relationship becomes more intimate -you are less likely to notice a lie because you trust your partner
divert attention
change topic to avoid discussing vital facts
relational devaluation
decreases in others regard for us causing hurt feelings -high anxiety over abandonment are more likely to experience hurt feelings -people with high avoidance tend to have low hurt, because they tend to avoid intimacy -people low in self-esteem tend to experience high hurt
conceal information
don't mention details that would communicate the truth
evolutionary perspective on jealousy
jealousy exists because it offers reproductive advantage and suggests men and women should be sensitive to different sorts of infidelity -emotional infidelity: possibility that partner is falling in love with someone else (important for women; men concerned with sexual infidelity)
passive inclusion
others allow us to be included
active exclusion
others avoid us, tolerating our presence only when necessary
maximal exclusion
others banish us, send us away, or abandon us -doesn't feel much worse then ambivalence (bad is bad)
ambivalence
others do not care whether we are included or not -people don't care if we are present or not; feels just as bad as being outright excluded
passive exclusion
others ignore us but don't avoid us
maximal inclusion
others seek us and go out of their way to interact with us
active inclusion
others welcome us but don't seek us out
suspicious jealousy
partner hasn't misbehaved and suspicions don't fit the facts -results in worried and mistrustful vigilance and snooping -almost everyone experiences reactive jealousy, but vary in amount of suspicious jealousy -reactive may lead to suspicious jealousy
attributional conflict
partners agree about what happened in conflict but disagree as to why person did it -due to actor/observer effects and self-serving bias -blame may depend on whether attributions are external/internal and stable/unstable
negative affect reciprocity
partners can fall into pattern in which they trade escalating provocations back and forth
structural improvements
partners get what they want and learn from the experience -usually result of significant turmoil or serious conflict; most people make positive changes after worst conflicts
loyalty
passive and constructive -ex: waiting for condition to improve
neglect
passive and destructive -ex: using passive aggressive behavior
churing
pattern of break-up, reconciliation, break-up -half experience pattern as teens -37% of cohabiting and 23% of married couples -associated with stress, uncertainty, and lower satisfaction
parental stress model
quality not quantity of parenting is most important -any stressor distracts from the parents effective parenting of their kids (ex: economic hardship)
jealousy
reaction to potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival -occurs when we are fearful of losing a valued relationship -hurt, fear, and anger common responses -society views changed overtime: 1950s way of proving love, 70s improper
integrative agreements
satisfy both partners goals and aspirations -takes effort and compromise
Levinger's Barrier Model
three factors influence breakup of a relationship -attraction: based on outcomes; enhanced by rewards, diminished by costs -alternatives: may lure partners away (other relationships, being single, work) -barriers: make it hard to leave, may be psychological (like guilt or embarrassment) or physical (like legal and social pressures, financial costs); insignificant if truly miserable
deceiver's distrust
when we lie to others, we are more likely to think they lie to us as well -assume others are like us -liars think lies are less harmless than recipients do