Human Sexuality Ch. 11

Mind reading

making assumptions about what your partner thinks or feels. -not a good way to communicate

Gender role perspective

mate preferences reflect current gender roles in specific cultures -gender differences in mate preferences decline as gender parity (equality) increases - This indicates that cultural gender roles, rather than biological evolution, better explain gender differences in mate preference

"I" language

speaking for yourself, using the word "I"; not mind reading. -less likely to make partner defensive

Self-disclosure

telling personal things about yourself. •Personal attitudes, experiences, and motives. o may include telling your partner about something embarrassing or disclosing a very meaningful event that happened to you years ago for example •Leads to reciprocity; but also increases one's vulnerability. •Positive correlation between the extent of a couple's self-disclosure and their relationship satisfaction. -Self-disclosure and intimacy mutually build on each other.

Validating

telling your partner that, given their point of view, you can see why they think a certain way. -this is important

Leveling

telling your partner what you are feeling by stating your thoughts clearly, simply, and honestly •Make communication clear. •Clear up what partners expect of each other. •Clear up what is pleasant and what is unpleasant. •Clear up what is relevant and what is irrelevant. •Notice what draws you closer or pushes you apart.

Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love: three components decision or commitment

the cognitive component of love Has two aspects: -short-term aspect: the decision that one loves the other person -long-term aspect: the commitment to maintain that relationship -commitment is what makes relationships last

Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love: three components intimacy

the emotional component of love •includes our feelings of closeness or bondedness to the other person -present in many relationships besides romantic ones as well •Not a euphemism for sex.

Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love: three components passion

the motivational component of love •includes physical attraction and the drive for sexual expression. •physiological arousal is an important part -Component of love that differentiates romantic love from other kinds of love -component that is faster to arouse, but in course of long-term relationship it fades most quickly

Matching phenomenon

the tendency for people to choose as partners people who match them, that is, who are similar in attitudes, intelligence, and attractiveness

Two-component-theory of love

the theory that two conditions must exist simultaneously for passionate love to occur: physiological arousal and attaching a cognitive label ("love") to the feeling

Measuring Love

-Self-report measure called the Passionate Love Scale (PLS) queries participants on cognitive, emotional, and behavioral components. •Evidence that the PLS is valid comes from the fact that the scores correlated positively with other measures of love and with measures of participants' commitment to and satisfaction with their relationship.

Communication cont.

Distinction between intent and impact is important: •Intent: what you mean. •Impact: what the other person thinks you mean.

Passionate and Companionate Love

Perspective that differentiates between 2 kinds of love: passionate and companionate -Passionate love often gradually shifts to companionate love in a relationship -Sexual desire and romantic love may often be independent processes.

The Biology of Love (pg. 272)

Research suggests bodily chemistry and neural activity in the brain are the causes: -Neurotransmitter dopamine is associated with euphoria, craving, and the common experiences of passionate love. -The frequent presence of a loved one produces prolactin and oxytocin -Hormone oxytocin is stimulated by touch and is associated with pair-bonding in some animals; also may contribute to long term relationships -Photos of a lover excite areas of the brain rich in dopamine pathways and areas associated with cognitive processing. -Differences in brain activity suggest sexual desire is a motivation with a specific goal, whereas love is more behaviorally complex.

Table showing Percentage of U.S. Marriages That Are Homophilous pg. 260

Table showing Percentage of U.S. Marriages That Are Homophilous pg. 260

Table showing answers to question: "Would You Marry Someone You Didn't Love?" pg. 275

Table showing answers to question: "Would You Marry Someone You Didn't Love?" pg. 275

Contempt (Gottman)

Intentionally insulting or verbally abusing the other person i.e., "How did I get hooked up with such a loser?"

Attraction cont.

We like people who are similar to us: -Those who are approximately the same as we are in age, race or ethnicity, and economic and social status. -Homophily: The tendency to have contact with people who are equal in social status. -race most common type of homophily in marriages followed by education, and then religion -Similarity in attitudes and opinions is also important (we are attracted to those whose attitudes and opinions are similar to ours)

-commitment -feelings of closeness and trust -self-disclosure

What is an intimate relationship characterized by?

Jealousy: (from milestones in sex research pg. 270)

a cognitive, emotional, and behavioral response to a threat to an interpersonal relationship

Effective communicator

a communicator whose impact matches their intent.

Companionate love

a feeling of deep attachment and commitment to a person with whom one has an intimate relationship.

Fighting Fair

a set of rules designed to make arguments constructive rather than destructive. •Don't make sarcastic or insulting remarks. •Don't bring up the names of former lovers, boyfriends, etc. •Don't play amateur psychologist. •Don't threaten to tell your parents or run home. •If you have children, don't bring them into it. •Don't engage in dumping stored-up gripes. •Don't hit and run. •Don't focus on who's to blame.

Passionate love

a state of intense longing for union with the other person and of intense physiological arousal. •Has 3 components: cognitive, emotional, and behavioral •Often the first stage of a romantic relationship.

Sexual Strategies Theory

asserts that gender differences in mate preferences reflect genetic predispositions based on universal biological functions of men and women in reproduction

Fluctuating asymmetry

asymmetry of bilateral features that are on average symmetrical in the population -is said to reflect developmental instability (DI), the inability of the developing body to buffer against random perturbations

Implicit egotism perspective

we are attracted to people who are similar because they activate our positive views of ourselves.

impact

what the other person thinks you mean

intent

what you mean

Misattribution of arousal

when a person in a state of physiological arousal (e.g., from exercising or being in a frightening situation) attributes these feelings to love or attraction to the person present.

Love Styles: John Alan Lee proposed three basic types of love:

•Eros: a powerful attraction to the physical appearance of the loved person. •Ludus: playful love, with low commitment. •Storge: a very stable, reliable type of love. Blends of the three basic types of love result in other types of love: •Mania: eros and ludus; love is an obsession. •Pragma: storge and ludus; practical love. •Agape: storge and eros; the classic Christian view of love as altruistic, undemanding, never jealous, and kind and patient. -Eros and agape love styles associatedwith greater relationship satisfaction; ludus associated with lower relationship satisfaction -2 lovers of the same type are most compatible

Nonverbal communication

communication not through words but through the body, for example, eye contact, tone of voice, touching.

Attachment Theory of Love cont.

-Adults bring to any romantic relationship their own personal history of love and attachment. -Conflict in some relationships may be caused by a mismatch of attachment styles. -Jealousy is most common among anxious-ambivalent lovers, perhaps because of early experiences of feeling anxious about their attachment to their parents.

Communication: Skills

-Best way to voice problems is to use good messages: for starters, complain rather than criticize. -Offer limited choices (i.e., do you wanna talk about this now or later tonight instead of can we talk about this)

Communication: Skills cont.

-Communication is a two-way street: sending messages and receiving them. -Listening means actively trying to understand what the other person is saying. -After listening carefully and nondefensively, give feedback. o paraphrasing

Attraction Online

-Dating websites and apps seem to be at least moderately effective. •Popular dating sites vary in the clientele they serve. •Tinder and Grindr apps are based on location. •Users say the technology forces them to focus on the person's interests and values. -Different sites use different algorithms, but most (or all) match people based on similarity.

Communication

-Distressed couples tend to have communication deficits. •Problems can be created both by lack of communication skills and by negative communication. -Positive communication is important in developing and maintaining intimate relationships.

Cross-Cultural Research on Love and Marriage

-Individualistic cultures place a high value on romantic love, whereas collectivist cultures emphasize the group. •Arranged marriages are more likely in collectivist cultures. -Cross-cultural similarities include valuing intelligence, kindness, and understanding in a mate. -Cross-cultural differences include whether love is a prerequisite for marriage.

Communication: Skills cont..

-Note that distressed couples differ from nondistressed couples more in their nonverbal communication than in their verbal communication.

Attraction

-Our opportunities to meet people are limited by geography and time. o mere-exposure effect -We tend to be more attracted to people with whom we have had contact several times than we are to people with whom we have had little contact

Communicate the positives.

-Recognition of the strengths in a relationship offers the potential for enriching it. -Nondistressed couples make more positive and fewer negative communications. -Open-ended questions help to draw a partner out. -Magic ratio of positive to negative communication: In stable marriages, there is five times as much positive interaction verbal and nonverbal as there is negative

Communication: Checking Out Sexy Signals

-Sexual communications—verbal and nonverbal—are often ambiguous. •Can lead to feelings of hurt and rejection, unnecessary anger, and complaints to third parties. •Very indirect signals of sexual interest are the most frequently used by college students. -Make sure your messages clearly match your intent. -When receiving ambiguous messages, make an effort to clear them up.

Sexual Strategies Theory continued

-Sociobiologists view sexual behavior within an evolutionary perspective. -Gender differences in mate preferences reflect genetic predispositions based on universal biological functions of men and women in reproduction •Men need to identify reproductively valuable women, and a young, physically attractive person appears more likely to be healthy and fertile. •This view supported by research that found that in societies where chronic disease is more prevalent physical attractiveness was considered more important •Critical feature of an attractive face may be symmetry. o fluctuating asymmetry •Women additionally want mates who are able and willing to invest resources in them and their children.

Triangle in Sternberg's triangular theory of love

-The top point of the triangle is intimacy, the left point is passion, and the right point is decision or commitment -triangle allows us to see how people can be well matched or mismatched in the love they feel toward each other

Individualism-collectivism

-Where individualistic cultures (for example, the U.S.) emphasize individual goals, collectivist cultures (for example, China) emphasize group and collective goals. -In individualistic cultures, behavior regulated by individual attitudes and cost-benefit considerations and emotional detachment from group is accepted -In collectivist cultures, self is defined by group membership, behavior is regulated by group norms, and attachment to and harmony within group is valued

independence-interdependence

-Where many Western cultures view each person as independent and value individuality and uniqueness, many other cultures view the person as interdependent with others and value conformity and harmony within the group.

The interpersonal marketplace

-Whom we are attracted to and pair off with depends a lot on how much we think we have to offer and how much we think we can "buy" with it. -Matching phenomenon: the tendency for people to choose as partners people whose social "worth" match their own. o Similar in attitudes, intelligence, and attractiveness. In previous decades: •Women's worth is likely to be based on beauty. •Men's worth is likely to be based on success. In present day: •people select mates who match them on both status and attractiveness for both genders •(high status attractive men with high status attractive women) -Physical attractiveness is highly correlated with education, income, and a measure of social status.

More on intimacy

-a major component of any close or romantic relationship -people seek intimate relationships because of a desire to have children and awareness that raising a child is easier with two people and to obtain the benefits of mutual trust and reciprocal recognition by another person -can be defined as a characteristic of a person or characteristic of a relationship -in one study college students said sharing, sexual interaction, trust in the partner, and openness are the qualities that make a relationship intimate -a KEY characteristic of intimacy is self-disclosure

Even More on Triangular Theory of Love (Sternberg)

-a questionnaire, the Sternberg Triangular Love Scale, measures the 3 components and the scale provides good measures of the components -commitment scores increase as relationships progress from dating to marriage and behavioral intimacy decreases (sharing inner feelings, trying to understand the partner) over time

Feelings of intimacy in Sternberg's triangular theory of love involve...

-a sense of mutual understanding with the loved one -a sense of sharing one's self -intimate communication with the loved one involving a sense of having the loved one hear and accept what is shared -giving and receiving emotional support to and from the loved one

More on Triangular Theory of Love (Sternberg)

-each of the three components of love must be translated into action o intimacy: communicating personal feelings and info (self-disclosure), offering emotional/ financial support, expressing empathy o passion: kissing, touching, making love o decision or commitment: saying "I love you," getting married, sticking with relationship when it's not convenient

More on sexual strategies theory

-women want to select as mates men who are reproductively valuable leading to a preference for good looking mates but also want mates who are willing and able to invest resources in them and their children -women prefer men with higher incomes and status (greater earning potential, greater education, higher occupational aspirations) -matter of resources more important than identifying reproductively valuable male, so women rate income and earning potential as more important then good looks -HOWEVER in contemporary society more women work and control their earnings and thus place less emphasis on a man's resources in selecting a mate

Intimacy

A quality of relationships characterized by commitment, feelings of closeness and trust, and self-disclosure.

Ludus

According to love styles theory, a playful type of love

Eros

According to love styles theory, a powerful physical attraction to the loved person

Storge

According to love styles theory, a very stable, reliable type of love

Withdrawal (Gottman)

Actions such as responding to the partner's complaint with silence, turning on TV, or walking out of the room in anger

Schachter's two-component theory of emotion

An emotion consists of a physiological arousal state plus the label the person assigns to it •Wide variety of emotions are accompanied by the same physiological states. •Key difference is how we interpret or label the experience.

Criticism (Gottman)

Attacking a partner's personality or character i.e., "You are so selfish; You never think of anyone else"

Two-Component Theory of Love

Berscheid and Walster (1974) proposed a two-component theory of love: two conditions must exist simultaneously for passionate love to occur. 1. The person is in a state of intense physiological arousal. 2. The situation is such that the person applies the cognitive label ("love") to the sensations being experienced.

Love: Cross-Cultural Research

Cultures vary on two dimensions: •Individualism-collectivism. •Independence-interdependence. -Individualistic cultures place a high value on romantic love, whereas collectivist cultures emphasize the group. Members of collectivist cultures more likely to say they would marry someone they were not in romantic love with.

Defensiveness (Gottman)

Denying responsibility, making excuses, replying with a complaint of one's own, and making other self-protective responses instead of addressing the problem

Physical Attractiveness

Evidence shows that individuals prefer potential partners who are more physically attractive. -Young men and women typically rate physical appearance as the most important aspect of sex appeal. -Other aspects include general body size and certain facial features -Light skin is generally rated as more attractive. -Physical attractiveness is more important to males evaluating females than to females evaluating males. -Perception of attractiveness or beauty is influenced by our evaluation of their intelligence, liking, and respect, and by our own objective attractiveness and this sis somewhat modified by our own feelings of personal worth

-Criticism -Contempt -Defensiveness -Withdrawal

John Gottman (1994) identified four destructive patterns of communication:

Triangular Theory of Love (Sternberg)

Love has three fundamental components: intimacy, passion, and decision or commitment

Reinforcement Theory (or, Byrne's law of attraction)

Our attraction to another person is proportionate to the number of reinforcements that person gives us relative to the total number of reinforcements plus punishments the person gives us (we like people who give us rewards and dislike people who give us punishments) -put simply, we like people who are frequently nice to us and seldom nasty. -we prefer people who are similar because interaction with them is rewarding

Partners can be well matched or mismatched in their triangles

Partners can be well matched or mismatched, depending on whether their levels of intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment match. When there is a good match between the two partners' love, they tend to feel satisfaction with the relationship and when there is a mismatch they feel dissatisfied

According to the attachment theory of love, adults in romantic relationships have one of three styles:

Secure lovers -find it easy to get close to others and have others get close to them. •Mutual dependency feels right. Fearful or avoidant lovers -are uncomfortable feeling close to another person or having that person feel close to them. •Have difficulty trusting or depending on a partner. Preoccupied or anxious-ambivalent lovers -want desperately to get closer to a partner but often find the partner does not reciprocate the feeling. •Insecure in the relationship, worrying their partner doesn't really love them

Two-Component Theory of Love continued

Several experiments have provided evidence. •Male research participants who had exercised vigorously liked a female confederate of the experimenters more than did men who had not exercised. •Misattribution of arousal -Society tells us what the appropriate objects of our love and attraction are (men wouldn't label physiological arousal as attraction if interviewed by an elderly man or child the same way they did to a female experimenter) -Sexual arousal is a method of producing a state of physiological arousal that our culture labels "love."

Communication: Relationship Education

Substantial number of relationship or marital education programs are available today: •Better Marriages, Couple Communication, Marriage Encounter, and PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills). •Most are psychoeducational (not therapeutic). •Most focus on developing better communication and problem-solving skills. •Recognizing the stress of military life, PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) was developed for married couples in the U.S. Army.

Homophily

The tendency to have contact with people who are equal in social status.

Mere-exposure effect

The tendency to like a person more if we have been exposed to them repeatedly •repeated exposure to any stimulus, including a person, leads to greater liking for that stimulus.

Editing

censoring or not saying things that would be deliberately hurtful to your partner or that are irrelevant.

Documenting

giving specific examples of the issue being discussed. -important component of giving good messages

Attachment Theory of Love

hypothesis that the quality of early attachment-whether secure and pleasant or insecure and unpleasant-profoundly affects us for the rest of our lives, and particularly affects our capacity to form loving attachments to others when we are adults

Paraphrasing

saying, in your own words, what you thought your partner meant.