Inter Comm Exam #2

trust

Trust involves believing in another's reliability (that he or she will do as promised) and another's effort to look out for our welfare and our relationship. **Trust doesn't come automatically in relationships. Usually, it is earned over time: We learn to trust others as they prove that they are reliable, show that they care, and make the investments to enrich the relationship. When trust is established, we feel psychologically safe in the relationship. One reason trust is so important to relationships is that it allows us to take risks with others.

Internal obstacles

preoccupation, prejudgement, lack of effort, reacting to emotionally loaded language, not recognizing diverse listening styles, ambushing, literal listening

speaking in generalities

"I feel bad." "I'm happy." "I'm sad." Statements such as these do express emotional states, but they do so ineffectively. Why? Because they are so general and abstract that they don't clearly communicate what the speaker feels. Does "I feel bad" mean the person feels depressed, angry, guilty, ashamed, or anxious?

1. linguistic determinism

(Symbolic ability) - language determines what we can perceive and think (Hoijer, 1994). According to this theory, we cannot perceive or think about things for which we don't have names. *Over time, however, linguistic determinism has been discredited. ^members of a Native American tribe, first saw a horse, they called it elk-dog because it was large and shaped somewhat like an elk and could carry a pack as their dogs did. They drew from familiar vocabulary to name an unfamiliar animal *Although linguistic determinism is no longer accepted by most scholars, there is acceptance of the less extreme claim that language reflects and shapes perception and thought.

defensive listening

-which is perceiving personal attacks, criticism, or hostility in communication that is not critical or mean spirited. -When we listen defensively, we assume others don't like, trust, or respect us, and we read these motives into whatever they say, no matter how innocent their communication may be.

perceptual view of emotions

(also called appraisal theory)- asserts that subjective perceptions shape what external phenomena mean to us. External objects and events, as well as physiological reactions, have no intrinsic meaning. Instead, they gain meaning only as we attribute significance to them. ***We might interpret trembling hands as a symbol of fear VS. we might interpret trembling hands as signifying joy on graduation day ***These varying interpretations would lead us to define our emotions distinctly. That's the key to the perceptual view of emotions: We act on the basis of our interpretation of phenomena, not the tangible phenomena. external event>>perception of event>>interpreted emotion >>>response

2. Language Shapes Perceptions

(symbolic ability) -We tend to perceive and interact with people according to how we define them. When we label someone, we focus attention on particular aspects of that person and his or her activities, and we neglect or overlook other aspects of the person. We might define a person as an environmentalist, a teacher, a gourmet cook, our boss, or a father. Each definition directs our attention to certain aspects of the person. We might talk with the environmentalist about wilderness legislation

endorsement

***The strongest level of confirmation -involves accepting another's feelings or thoughts. For example, you could endorse by saying, "It's natural to be worried about the LSAT when you have so much riding on it. I know what going to law school means to you." -We disconfirm others when we don't accept their thoughts and feelings. If you respond to the friend by saying, "How can you worry about the LSAT when the country is on the verge of war?" you reject the validity of the expressed feelings. ***Endorsement isn't always possible if we are trying to be honest with others. Sometimes we cannot accept what another person feels or thinks, so we can't give an endorsing response.

cognitive labeling view of emotions

**Similar to perceptual view but offers better explanation of how we move from experience to interpretation <<which is language that allows this Ex: feel a knot in your stomach when you see that you received a bad grade, you label the knot as evidence of anxiety. Thus, what you felt would not result directly from the event itself (the grade) or from the physiological response (knot). Instead, it would be shaped by how you labeled your physiological response to the event External Event>>>Physiological Response >>Label for>> Response>> Emotion (more in book)

I language

- I language owns thoughts and feelings and does not blame them on others. -Effective communicators take responsibility for themselves by using language that owns their thoughts and feelings. They claim their feelings and do not blame others for what happens in themselves. To take responsibility for your own feelings, rely on I language rather than you language. "YOU hurt me" vs "when you ignore me I feel hurt" 1. more descriptive 2. takes responsibility for feelings

speech community

- exists when people share norms about how to use talk and what purposes it serves -Speech communities arise out of social locations—that is, people who share a social location tend to develop shared understandings of communication. Members of speech communities share perspectives on communication that outsiders do not have. This is one reason why misunderstandings often arise between members of different social groups. *Speech communities are defined not by countries or geographic locations but by shared understandings of how to communicate. *Gender speech communities is one of the main ones

monopolizing

- is continuously focusing communication on ourselves instead of listening to the person who is talking. ONE: is conversational rerouting, in which a person shifts the topic back to himself or herself. TWO: is interrupting to divert attention from the speaker to ourselves or to topics that interest us. Interrupting can occur in combination with rerouting—a person interrupts and then directs the conversation to a new topic. In other cases, diversionary interrupting involves questions and challenges that disrupt the speaker EX: Elliot says that the Social Security will be bankrupt by 2030, and Paul responds by saying, "What makes you think that? How can you be sure? The President says we're fixing the system." Having interrupted Elliot, Paul might then reroute the conversation to topics that interest him more: "Speaking of the President, do you think he'll manage to get Congress to approve the changes he wants to make in national security?"

counterfeit emotional language

- is language that seems to express emotions but does not actually describe what a person is feeling. Ex: shouting "Why can't you leave me alone?" indicates that the speaker is feeling something, but it doesn't describe what he or she is feeling. Is it anger at a particular person, frustration at being interrupted, stress at having to meet a deadline or depression? ANOTHER TYPE uses feeling words but really expresses thoughts: "I feel this discussion is getting sidetracked." The perception that a discussion is going off on a tangent is a thought, not a feeling. Maybe the speaker feels frustrated that the discussion seems to be wandering, but that feeling is not communicated by the statement. (read more in book??)

Self-disclosure

- is the intentional revelation of personal information about ourselves that others are unlikely to discover in other ways. **communication between intimates, self-disclosure is a key gauge of closeness among Westerners -self-disclosure can both build and reflect trust between people *Our feeling of vulnerability is reduced if the other person is also allowing vulnerability by making self-disclosures to us. *as relationships continue self-disclosure is less common or important

interactive view of emotions

- proposes that cultural rules and understandings shape what people feel and how they do or don't express their feelings The interactive view of emotions rests on three key culturally influenced concepts: framing rules, feeling rules, and emotion works

proxemics

- refers to space and how we use it Every culture has norms that prescribe how people should use space, how close people should be to one another, and how much space different people are entitled to have. ex: When we are angry with someone, we tend to move away and to resent it if the person approaches us. ex: American businesses generally have separate of-fices or at least cubicles so that each worker has individual space. In contrast, people in collectivist cultures place more emphasis on the group and community than individuals. G

6. loaded language

- refers to words that strongly slant perceptions and thus meanings. Ex: Terms such as geezer and old fogey incline us to regard older people with contempt or pity. Alternatives such as senior citizen and older person reflect a more respectful attitude *It is hard to keep up with changes in language, and it's inevitable that we will occasionally irritate or offend someone unintentionally. Nonetheless, we should try to learn what terms hurt or offend others and avoid using them

Openness/Closedness

- tension between wanting open communication and wanting a degree of privacy, even with intimates. With our closest partners, we self-disclose in ways we don't with coworkers and casual acquaintances. Yet we also desire some privacy, and we want our intimates to respect that. Completely unrestrained expressiveness would be intolerable ** Wanting some privacy doesn't mean that a relationship is in trouble. It means only that we have needs for both openness and closedness

relational dialects (name all three)

- the opposing forces, or tensions, that are continuous and normal in personal relationships. Although these tensions are normal, they can be frustrating if we don't understand them and if we don't label them as normal. autonomy/connection novelty/predictability openness/closedness

Novelty/Predictability

- the tension between wanting routine or familiarity and wanting novelty in a relationship. All of us like a certain amount of routine to provide security and predictability in our lives. Yet too much routine becomes boring, so we need occasional new or novel Ex: we want routine in the workplace to help us feel grounded every day, but also some new stuff to stimulate our brains, but not too much new

guidelines for creating confirming climates

--Actively Use Communication to Build Confirming Climate --Accept and confirm others -**Although we can understand how important confirmation is, we're not always comfortable providing it. Sometimes we disagree with others or don't like certain things they do. Being honest with others is important because we expect real friends to be sources of honest feedback, even if it isn't always pleasant to hear. --Affirm and Assert Yourself-It is just as important to affirm yourself as it is to affirm others. You are no less valuable, your needs are no less important, and your preferences are no less valid than those of others. ****If you don't express your feelings, there's no way others can confirm you. Thus, you should assert your feelings and preferences while simultaneously respecting different ones in other individuals. --Respect Diversity in Relationships-There is tremendous variety in what people find comfortable, affirming, and satisfying in interpersonal interaction. Differences between people create a rich variety of relationships. Even a single relationship varies over time. --Respond Constructively to Criticism

indexing (qualifying language yes yes )

-Indexing is a technique developed by early communication scholars to remind us that our evaluations apply only to specific times and circumstances ex: To index, we would say "Ann, June 6, 2001 acted selfishly," "Donon, the task committee was irresponsible," "Bobin college was generous," and "Vy in high school was dependent on others for self-esteem." Mental indexing reminds us that we and others are able to change in remarkable ways.

you language

-Projects responsibility onto others -Tends to be accusatory and abstract -you language is particularly likely to arouse defensiveness or anger when it is used to express criticism or dissatisfaction. **Yet you language may be acceptable or even appreciated when it conveys praise of another. ,"You make me feel wonderful" This reduces our personal power and, by extension, our motivation to change what is happening

4. Language Shapes and Reflects Relationships (Symbols)

-The symbols we use to define experiences in our relationships affect how we think and feel about those relationships. ex: We found that some people defined differences as positive forces that energize a relationship and keep it interesting. Others defined differences as problems or barriers to closeness. There was a direct connection between how partners defined differences and how they dealt with them. ex: Couples in satisfying relationships rely more on "we" language when dis-cussing problems, whereas partners in distressed relationships rely more on "I" pronouns

listening to support others (and how to do it)

-We engage in relationship listening, listening to support others, when we listen to a friend's worries, hear a romantic partner discuss our relationship, or help a co-worker sort through a problem 1.be mindful 2. be careful of expressing judgments-When listening to help another person, it's usually wise to avoid judgmental responses, at least initially. Imposing our own judgments separates us from others and their feelings. 3. understanding the other's perspective- paraphrasing and minimal encourages (nodding along or saying "really?" ) 4. express support-This doesn't necessarily require us to agree with the other person's perspective or feelings, but it does require that we express support for the person.

Acknowledgment

-acknowledgment of what another person feels, thinks, or says. Nonverbally, we acknowledge others by nodding our heads or by making eye contact to show we are listening. Verbal acknowledgments are direct responses to others' communication. If a friend says, "I'm really scared that I blew the LSAT exam," you could acknowledge that by para-phrasing: "So you're worried that you didn't do well on it, huh?" (This paraphrasing response acknowledges both the thoughts and the feelings of the other person) NOT acknowledging someone =Reponses that are tangential, irrelevant, or impersonal or that deny what another person has said are disconfirming. For instance, a tangential response to your friend's statement about the LSAT would be, "Have you ever wondered what kind of person would design exams like the LSAT for a living?" "Want to go catch a movie tonight?"

environmental factors

-are elements of settings that affect how we feel and act. For instance, we respond to the architecture, colors, room design, temperature, sounds, smells, and lighting Rooms with comfortable chairs invite relaxation, whereas rooms with stiff chairs induce formality. Dimly lit rooms can set a romantic mood, although dark rooms can be depressing. ex: The environments of most fast-food restaurants encourage customers to eat quickly and move on, whereas more expensive restaurants are designed to pro-mote longer stays and extra spending on wines and desserts.

artifacts

-are personal objects we use to announce our identities and heritage and to personalize our environments. ex: use avatars to symbolize online identities. In f2f communication, we craft our image by our hairstyles, makeup, dress, and personal objects. Nurses and physicians wear white and often drape stethoscopes around their necks; professors travel with briefcases, whereas students more often tote backpacks. We use artifacts to define personal territories. Art lovers adorn their homes with paintings and sculptures. Religious families often express their commitments by displaying pictures of holy scenes a

Framing rules

-define the emotional meaning of situations. Ex: Irish wakes when a person dies are festive occasions during which people tell stories about the departed and celebrate their lives.Other groups define funerals and the receptions following them as somber occasions at which any mirth or festivity would be perceived as disrespectful and inappropriate.

guidelines for communicating emotions effectively

-identify your emotions -choose whether and how to express emotions -own your feelings -monitor your self-talk -adopt a rational-emotive approach to feelings -respond sensitively when others communicate emotions (READ MORE IN BOOK ON EACH ONE not making flashcards for all)

Hearing

-is a physiological activity that occurs when sound waves hit our eardrums. *People who are deaf or hearing-impaired receive messages visually through lip-reading or sign language. **Listening has psychological and cognitive dimensions that mere hearing, or physically receiving messages, does not.

paralanguage

-is communication that is vocal but does not use words. It includes sounds, such as murmurs and gasps, and vocal qualities, such as volume, pitch, and inflection. Paralanguage also includes accents, pronunciation, and the complexity of sentence ex: wall-e *Paralanguage also reflects cultural heritage and may signal that we are members of specific communication communities. For example, in general African American speech has more vocal range, inflection, rhythmic variation and emphasis, and tonal quality than Caucasian speech

ambushing

-is listening carefully for the purpose of attacking a speaker. Unlike the other kinds of nonlistening we've discussed, ambushing involves very careful listening, but it isn't motivated by a genuine desire to understand another. Instead, ambushers listen intently to gather ammunition they can use to attack a speaker

haptics

-is the sense of touch. Many scholars believe that touching and being touched are essential to a healthy life ex: Babies who are held closely and tenderly tend to develop into self-confident adults who have secure attachment styles *Touching also communicates power and status. People with high status touch others and invade others' spaces more than people with less status do

emotions

-our experience and interpretation of internal sensations that are shaped by physiology, perceptions, language, and social experiences. Many scholars think that most or all emotions are socially constructed

Responding

-which is communicating attention and interest. -interpersonal communication is a transactional process in which we simultaneously listen and speak. We don't respond only when others have finished speaking; rather, we respond throughout interaction. Good listeners let others know they are interested throughout interaction by adopting attentive postures, nodding their heads, making eye contact, and giving vocal responses such as "mm-hmm" and "go on." **These nonverbal behaviors demonstrate engagement. On the relationship level of meaning, responsiveness communicates that we care about the other person

listening for information (and steps of how to do it)

-our goal is to gain and evaluate information. 1. be mindful, don't let your mind wander 2.control obstacles-You can also minimize the noise in communication situations. You might shut a window to mute traffic noises + minimize psychological distractions by emptying your mind of concerns and ideas that can divert your attention. Let go of preoccupations and prejudgments that can interfere with effective listening. In addition, it's important to monitor the tendency to react to emotionally loaded language. We have to make a very deliberate effort to cultivate an inner silence that allows us to listen fully to other 3. Ask questions 4. use aids to recall -repeat important ideas to yourself immediately after hearing them. 5. organize information- You could reduce the complexity of this message by regrouping the stream of concerns into two categories: short term and long term etc

kinesics

-refers to body position and body motions, including those of the face. Clearly, we signal a great deal about how we feel and see ourselves by how we hold our bodies. ex:Many people "talk with their hands," this actually helps some people think. We use gestures to emphasize verbal language and to express feelings.

chronemics

-refers to how we perceive and use time. In Western culture, there is a norm that important people with high status can keep others waiting ex: Professors can be late to class and students are expected to wait, but students may be reprimanded if they appear after a class has begun. *The length of time we spend with different people reflects our interpersonal priorities. When possible, we spend more time with people we like than with those we don't like or who bore us.

constitutive rules

-specify how to interpret and perform different kinds of communication. We learn what counts as respect (listening, eye contact), friendliness (smiles or smiley emoji in social media), affection (kisses, hugs), and professional-ism (punctuality, assertive communication). We also learn what communication is expected if we want to be perceived as a good friend (showing support, being loyal), a responsible employee (meeting deadlines, making confident oral presentations), and a desirable romantic partner (showing respect and trust, being faithful, sharing confidences). shaped by cultures and social groups

regulative rules

-specify when, where, and with whom to talk about certain things. ex: some families have a rule that children should not sass their elders. Families also teach us rules about when we can engage in conflict—for example, were you allowed to argue at the dinner table or disagree with parents or grandparents? vary across cultures and social groups

Feeling Rules

-tell us what we have a right to feel or what we are expected to feel in particular situations. *Feeling rules reflect and perpetuate the values of cultures and social groups Ex: cultures view feeling and expressing anger as healthy. **strong connection between feeling rules and social order (more in book on this pg 205)

commitment

-the decision to remain in a relationship. Notice that commitment is defined as a decision, NOT a feeling Unlike passion or attraction, which arise in the present, commitment links partners together in the future. Be-cause partners in committed relationships view their connection as continuing, they are less likely to perceive problems and tensions as reasons to end the relationship. **The decision to commit injects responsibility into relationships

Remembering

-the process of retaining what you have heard. ** We remember less than half of a message immediately after we hear it. As time goes by, retention de-creases further; we recall only about 35% of a message 8 hours after hearing it. -Because we forget about two-thirds of what we hear, it's important to make sure we retain the most important third. Effective listeners let go of a lot of details to retain the more important content.

separation

-we assign one dialectical need to certain spheres of interaction and the opposing dialectical need to other aspects of interaction. Ex: employees might work independently on most tasks but operate very interactively and openly on specific teams. Many dual-career couples are autonomous professionally, relying little on each other for advice, although they are very connected about family matters

protecting others

-we fear we could hurt or upset others or cause them to lose face. Sometimes we make an ethical choice not to express emotions that would hurt another person and not achieve any positive outcome. Choosing not to express emotions in some situations or to some people, can be constructive and generous **The tendency to restrain emotional expression to protect others is particularly strong in many Asian cultures because they view hurting others as shameful

cultural and social expectations

-what we feel and how we express it are influenced by the culture and social groups to which we be-long. **Gender socialization seems particularly important in shaping feelings and the expression of them. (men who do this may become alienated from their feelings, unable to recognize what they do feel, because society has taught them that they shouldn't experience a great many feelings)

investment

-what we put into relationships that we could not retrieve if the relationship were to end. When we care about another person, we invest time, energy, thought, and feelings in interaction. We may also invest materially by spending money, giving gifts, and so forth. **the benefits of your investments is to stick with a relationship. To leave is to lose the investments we've made **when investment is understood to be equal in relationship it creates a happier relationship

selective listening

-which involves focusing only on particular parts of communication. **(As we've noted, all listening is selective to an extent because we can't attend to everything around us.) With selective listening, however, we screen out parts of a message that don't interest us and rivet our attention to topics that do interest us. Ex: students become highly attentive when a teacher says, "This will be on the test." -Selective listening also occurs when we reject communication that makes us un-easy. Ex: smokers may selectively not attend to reports on the dangers of smoking.

literal listening

-which involves listening only for content and ignoring the relationship level of meaning. (As we have seen, all communication includes content as well as relationship meaning.) When we listen literally, we attend only to the content level and are insensitive to others' feelings and to our connections with them.

guidelines for effective listening

1. Be mindful-Mindfulness is a choice to be wholly present in an experience. 2. Adapt listening appropriately-Like all communication activities, listening varies according to goals, situations, and people. What's effective depends on our purpose for listening, the context in which we are listening, and the needs and circumstances of the person to whom we are listening 3. Listen actively-we must be willing to focus our minds, to organize and interpret others' ideas and feelings, to express our interest on both the content level and the relationship level of meaning, and to retain what a speaker says. In some situations, we also become active partners by listening collaboratively and engaging in problem solving. Doing this is hard work!

Levels of Confirmation and Disconfirmation

1. Recognition 2. Acknowledgement 3. Endorsement

social and professional roles

A final reason we may not express some feelings is that our roles make it inappropriate. An attorney or judge who cries when hearing a sad story from a witness might be perceived as unprofessional.

Silence

A final type of nonverbal behavior is silence - which can communicate powerful messages. Silecne can show contentment with close relationships, can show awkwardness, if cans how respect in show cultures, it can also show anger >> "I'm not speaking to you"

Liking

A second dimension of relationship meaning is liking. Nonverbal behaviors often are keen indicators of how positively or negatively we feel toward others. Smiles and friendly touching convey positive feelings, whereas frowns and belligerent postures express antagonism.

self protection

A second reason we may not express our feelings is that -we don't want to give others information that could affect how they perceive or act toward us. fear: someone will like us less, loss of respect, rejection connected to the "chilling effect" =When we have a relationship with some-one whom we perceive as more powerful than us, we may suppress complaints and expressions of dissatisfaction or anger because we fear that the more powerful per-son could punish us.

Autonomy/Connection

All of us experience tension between the desire to be autonomous, or independent, and the desire to be close, or connected, to others. **Relationship counselors agree that the most central and continuous friction in most close relationships arise from the opposing needs for autonomy and for connection Ex; going on vacation with your husband, and then after for three days you guys are more distant because you both just spent lots of time together

Noise

Although most noise is not as overwhelming as the roar of crowds, there is always some noise in communication situations. It might be music or television in the background, other conversations nearby, pagers that are beeping, or thunder or traffic sounds from outside. **Good listeners do what they can to minimize environmental distractions. It's considerate to turn off a television or lower the volume of music if some-one wants to talk with you.

Qualify Language

Another strategy for increasing the clarity of communication is to qualify language. Qualifying reminds us of the limitations of what we say.

assertion

Assertion is clearly and nonjudgmentally stating what you feel, need, or want You can do this without disparaging others or what they want. You should simply state your feelings clearly in an open, descriptive manner.

lack of effort

Because active listening takes so much effort, we can't always do it well. We may want to listen but have trouble summoning the energy needed ***When this happens, you might ask the other person to postpone interaction until a time when you will have the energy to listen mindfully.

confirming and disconfirming climates

Communication climates exist on a continuum from confirming to disconfirming Few relationships have exclusively confirming or disconfirming communication. **The key is not whether there is negative or disconfirming interaction, but the proportion of positive to negative interactions

Control vs Problem Orientation

Control messages manipulate others to gain an upper hand. **Defensiveness arises because the relationship level of meaning is that the person exerting control thinks he has greater power, rights, or intelligence than others. It's disconfirming to be told that our opinions are wrong, that our preferences don't matter, or that we don't have good ideas. Problem oriented messages encourage collaboration and creative thinking **Problem-oriented communication tends to cultivate supportive, confirming communication climates. Problem-oriented communication focuses on finding a solution that is acceptable to all parties.

Failure to adapt listening styles

How we listen should vary, for two reasons. ONE: different skills are needed when we listen for information, to support others, and for pleasure. TWO: differences between cultures and speech communities. EX: In the United States, it is considered polite to make frequent, but not constant, eye contact with someone who is speaking. In other cultures, continuous eye contact is normative, and still other cultures severely restrict eye contact.

self reflection

Just as we use language to reflect on what goes on outside of us, we also use it to reflect on ourselves. According to Mead (1934), there are two aspects to the self - i and me

Language can degrade others (hate speech)

Language can be used to degrade and de-humanize others. hate speech= language that radically dehumanizes members of particular groups. Ex: slurs or curse words toward people Graffiti in bathrooms and on public buildings disparages gays, lesbians, and other groups. Some people post vicious gossip and hateful messages online.

5. Language Reflects and Shapes Perceptions

Language isn't neutral or objective. It is laden with values. It's difficult, if not impossible, to find words that are completely neutral or objective. Thus, the particular words that we use shape our perceptions and those of others. ex:A dish described as "tender London broil gently sautéed in natural juices and topped with succulent mushrooms" sounds more appetizing than one described as "cow flesh cooked in blood and topped with fungus.

mindfullness

Mindful-ness is being fully present in the moment. (it's a choice) -no checking text messages, or wondering focus, -we tune in fully to another person and try to understand what that person is communicating, without imposing our own ideas, judgments, or feelings -Physically, this is signified by adopting an involved posture, keeping eye contact, and indicating interest in what the other person says. *** involves taking the perspective of others, it fosters a dual perspective—a cornerstone of effective communication. In addition, mindfulness enhances the effectiveness of the other person's communication. When people sense we are really listening, they tend to elaborate on their ideas and express themselves in more depth. Mindfulness is a choice. It is not a technique, nor is it a talent that some people have and others don't. No amount of skill will make you a good listener if you don't make a commitment to attend to another person full

Neutrality vs Empathy

Neutral communication is often interpreted as a lack of regard and caring for others. Consequently, it does not feel validating to most of us. empathic communication confirms the worth of others and our concern for them. Empathic communication is illustrated by these examples: "It's an entirely reasonable way to feel like you do in your situation,"

Negotiating Dialectical Tensions

Neutralization Selection Separation Reframing

listening for pleasure

Often, we engage in listening for pleasure. We listen to music for pleasure. We may listen to some radio programs for enjoyment. -Because listening for pleasure doesn't require us to remember or respond to communication, the only guidelines are to be mindful and control distractions. **Just as being mindful in lectures allows us to gain information, being mindful when listening for pleasure allows us to derive full enjoyment from what we hear. **Controlling interferences is also important when we are listening for pleasure. A beautifully rendered Mozart concerto can be wonderfully satisfying but not if a television is on in the background

symbolic abilities affect

Our ability to use symbols allows us to live in a world of ideas and meanings. Instead of just reacting to our concrete environments, we think about them and sometimes transform them. Philosophers of language have identified five ways that symbolic abilities affect our lives

deep acting

Parents differ in how they teach children to deal with feelings. Some parents encourage children to control their inner feelings through deep acting - involves learning what they should and should not feel. Ex: children may be taught that they should feel grateful when given a gift even if they don't like the gift. Many children are taught that they should not feel angry when a friend takes a toy. Deep acting requires changing how we perceive and label events and phenomena.

Power

Power -The third dimension of relationship-level meaning is power. We use nonverbal behaviors to assert dominance and to negotiate for status and influence ex: People who have power usually have more space than those who have little or no power ex:Time is also linked to people's status. People who are considered important can keep others waiting.

immediacy (Responsiveness)

Responsiveness- One dimension of relationship-level meaning that is often conveyed by nonverbal communication is responsiveness. Key to responsiveness is immediacy, which is the behavior that increases perceptions of closeness between communicators. ex: In face-to-face interaction, immediacy behaviors include smiling, making eye contact, head nodding, and attentive posture.

self talk

Self-talk is communication with ourselves. We engage in self-talk when we do emotional work. We might say, "I shouldn't feel angry" or "I don't want to come across as a wimp by showing how much that hurt." Thus, we may talk ourselves out of or into feelings and out of or into ways of expressing feelings. -the thoughts we communicate to ourselves affect what happens in our lives. -Self-talk can work for us or against us, depending on whether we manage it or it manages us. Many people have self-defeating ideas that get in the way of their effectiveness and happiness.

prejudgment

Sometimes we think we already know what is going to be said, so we don't listen carefully. Recalling our earlier discussion of mind reading, you'll realize that it's unwise to assume we know what others think and feel. At other times, we decide in advance that others have nothing to offer us, so we tune them out. ***When we prejudge, we disconfirm others because we deny them their own voices and force their words into our own preconceived mindset. This devalues them.

not owning feelings

Stating feelings in a way that disowns personal responsibility is one of the most common obstacles to effective expression of emotions Our discussion of I language and you language in Chapter 4 is relevant to learning to express emotions effectively.

Strategy vs Spontaneity

Strategy is another word for manipulating an employee without being honest, and this will create defensive behaviors from employees if they find they have been manipulated in some way. ex: "Would you do something for me if I told you it really mattered?" Spontaneity, on the other hand, consists of open and honest communication, and employees will feel that a leader supports them if the leader is honest and open to their ideas. ex:"I really need your help with this computer glitch"

SYMBOLS ARE ambiguous

Symbols are ambiguous because what they mean isn't clear-cut. Ex: The term affordable clothes means different things to people who earn the minimum wage and to people who are affluent

SYMBOLS ARE arbitrary

Symbols are arbitrary- words are not intrinsically connected to what they represent a word like "book", seem right because members of a particular society or social group agree to use them in particular ways, but they have no natural correspondence with their referents. All symbols are arbitrary because we could easily use other symbols as long as we all agreed that certain symbols would refer to certain things. Ex: in America "Dr. pepper" is a drink and in the United Kingdom "I'm a pepper" means prostitute Ex: "I'm gay" has changed over time

emotion work

The final concept is emotion work, -which is the effort to generate what we think are appropriate feelings in particular situations. Notice that emotion work concerns the process of trying to shape how we feel, not necessarily our success in doing so. **Although we do emotion work much of the time, we tend to be most aware of engaging in it when we think our feelings are inappropriate in specific situations. For example, you might think it is wrong to feel gleeful when someone you dislike is hurt (this is called the "pintch") <<typically what we think is "right" is learned from social groups or culture (look at figure on page 207)

Interpreting communication

The fourth process in listening is interpreting others' communication. The most important principle for effective interpretation is to be person centered so that you understand another person's perspective on his or her terms. Certainly, you won't always agree with other people's ideas or how they see themselves, others, and situations. Engaging in dual perspective doesn't require you to agree with others' perspectives; however, it does require you to make an earnest effort to understand them.

message complexity

The more detailed and complicated the message, the more difficult it is to follow and retain it. ex:People for whom English is a second language often find it hard to understand English speakers who use complex sentences with multiple clauses or slang expressions. ***When we have to listen to messages that are dense with information, we should summon up extra energy. In addition, taking notes and asking questions for clarification may help us understand and retain difficult information. A third strategy is to group material as you listen, organizing the ideas in ways that make later recall easier

recognition

The most basic form of confirmation is recognizing that another person exists **We disconfirm others at a fundamental level when we don't acknowledge their existence. ex: you might not look up when a coworker enters your office.

message overload

The sheer amount of communication we engage in makes it difficult to listen fully all the time. Ex: going from 3 hours to class to chapels> might not get all the infro from chapel because your brain is overloaded ***To deal with the overload, we often screen the talk around us, choosing to listen carefully to some talk and superficially to other talk

organismic view of emotions

The theory that external phenomena cause physiological changes that lead us to experience emotions. Also called the James-Lange view of emotions ex; pit in stomach when receiving a bad grade **The organismic view regards emotions as instinctual responses to physiological arousal caused by external stimuli. James specifically discounted what he called "intellectual mind stuff" (Finkelstein, 1980) as having nothing to do with our perceptions of stimuli and, by extension, our emotion stimulus >>physiological response>>emotion *not widely excepted today

reframing

This is a complex and transformative strategy in which partners redefine contradictory needs as not in opposition ex: some partners said that disagreements added spice to their relationship. Others said disagreements were evidence that they maintained their individuality in the relationship.

static evaluation (qualifying language no no )

We should also qualify language when describing and evaluating people. -A static evaluation is an assessment that suggests that something is unchanging or fixed. These are particularly troublesome when applied to people: "Ann is selfish," "Don is irresponsible," "Bob is generous," * Whenever we use the word "is", we suggest that something is inherent and fixed. In reality, we aren't static but continuously changing. A person who is selfish at one time may not be at another.

physical appearance

Western culture places an extremely high value on physical appearance. For this reason, in f2f interactions, most of us notice how others look, and we often base our initial evaluations of others on their appearance. The emphasis Western culture places on physical attractiveness and youthful appearance contributes to eating disorders, abuse of steroids and other drugs, and the popularity of cosmetic surgery. (add more from notes and book!!!)

preoccupation

When we are absorbed in our own thoughts and concerns, we can't focus on what someone else is saying. ex:It's natural for our thoughts to wander occasionally. When they do, we should note that our focus has wandered and actively call our minds back to the person who is speaking and the meaning of his or her message

Hypothetical Thought

Where do you hope to be 5 years from now? To answer these questions, you must think hypothetically, which means thinking about experiences and ideas that are not part of your concrete, present situation. Because we can think hypothetically, we can plan, dream, remember, set goals, consider alternative courses of action, and imagine possibilities

communication rules

are shared understandings of what communication means and what kinds of communication are appropriate in particular situations. ex: we understand that people take turns speaking, that flaming can get us kicked out of some chat rooms and that we should speak softly in libraries. start learning these from family around age 1-2

Certainty vs Provisionalism

certainty- suggests that there is one and only one answer, valid point of view, or reasonable course of action. Because certainty proclaims one absolutely correct position, it slams the door on further discussion. ***ethnocentrism, which is the assumption that our culture and its norms are the only right ones. provisionalism, which communicates openness to other points of view. When we speak provisionally, or tentatively, we suggest that our minds aren't sealed.

the four reasons we don't express our emotions

cultural and social expectations, self protection, protecting others, social and professional roles

punctuation

defines beginnings and endings of inter-action episodes - To punctuate communication, we define when interaction begins and who starts it. -When we don't agree on punctuation, misunderstandings may arise. If you've ever heard children arguing about who started a fight, you understand the importance of punctuation. -There is no objectively correct punctuation. When communicators don't agree on punctuation, they don't share meanings for what is happening between them. -Ex: girlfriend is still mad about last night and boyfriend isn't understanding because he thought that was over ^^^connected to demand-withdraw

surface acting

different from deep acting this - involves controlling the outward expression of emotions rather than controlling feelings. Parents who emphasize surface acting teach children to control their outward behaviors, not necessarily their inner feelings. Ex: children learn that they should say "thank you" when they receive a gift and that they should not hit a friend who takes a toy. Ex-pressing gratitude is emphasized more than feeling grateful, and refraining from hitting someone who takes a toy is stressed more than feeling good about sharing toys.

Evaluation vs. Description

evaluative messages express an opinion on the value or worth of another person's behaviors- makes others feel defensive Descriptive messages provide detail without passing judgment-uses "I" Speech

selection

in which we give priority to one dialectical need and neglect the other

Features of Satisfying Relationships

investment commitment trust comfort with relational dialectics

non-verbal communication

is all aspects of communication other than words. -It includes not only gestures and body language but also how we utter words: inflection, pauses, tone, volume, and accent. Nonverbal communication also includes features of environments that affect interaction, personal objects such as jewelry and clothes, and physical appearance. *Scholars estimate that nonverbal behaviors account for 65-93% of the total meaning of communication

Pseudolistening

is pretending to listen. When we pseudolisten, we appear to be attentive, but really our minds are elsewhere. We engage in pseudolistening when we want to appear conscientious, although we really aren't interested or when we are familiar with what is being said so do not need to give concentrated attention Sometimes we pseudolisten because we don't want to hurt someone who is sharing experiences

Neutralization

is to negotiate a balance between two dialectical needs. Each need is met to an extent, but neither is fully satisfied.

listening

listening as an active process that consists of being mindful, physically receiving messages, selecting and organizing messages, interpreting messages, responding, and remembering.

adapting listending

listening for pleasure, listening for information, listening to support

external obstacles

message overload, message complexity, noise

Superiority vs Equality

messages of superiority encourage division and "us vs them" mentality. ex:" I know a lot more about this than you," "If you had my experience, you wouldn't suggest that," Messages of equality emphasize inclusion and minimize difference--we feel more relaxed and comfortable communicating with people who treat us as equals.

3. Totalizing

occurs when we respond to a person as if one label (one we have chosen or accepted from others) totally represents who he or she is. ex: totalize gay men and lesbians as if sexual orientation were the only facet of their identities. *Totalizing is not the same as stereotyping. When we stereotype someone, we define him or her in terms of the characteristics of a group. When we totalize others, we negate most of whom they are by focusing on a single aspect of their identity. Ex: only black kid in the class gets asked to give an "African American perspective one this" and not their own perspective on anything else

demand- withdraw

one person tries to create closeness with personal talk, and the other strives to maintain autonomy by avoiding intimate discussion The more the first person pushes for personal talk ("Tell me what's going on in your life"), the further the second withdraw ("There's nothing to tell") (pg 117 has visual representation of this)

forms of non-listenting

pseudolistening, monopolizing, selective listening, defensive listening

reacting to emotionally loaded language

react to emotionally loaded language—words that evoke strong responses, positive or negative. You may find some words and phrases soothing or pleasant. Certain other words and phrases may summon up negative feelings and images for you. When we react to words that are emotionally loaded for us, we may fail to grasp another person's meaning. Ex: politicians use words to evoke responses like "climate change" or "pro-life, pro-choice" ^^^Some politicians count on voters not to think critically about what they mean by family values or environmental responsibility but simply to vote for them and support their policies because the terms evoke positive feelings. ***One way to guard against this is to be aware of words and phrases that tend to trigger strong emotional reactions in us. If we bring these to a conscious level, then we can monitor our tendencies to respond unthinkingly

the ineffective expression of emotions

speaking in generalities, not owning feelings, counterfeit emotional language

SYMBOLS ARE abstract

symbols are abstract- which means that they are not concrete or tangible. Words stand for ideas, people, events, objects, feelings, and so forth, but they are not the things they represent The more abstract the more general or overgeneral=more confusion "you are so negative" = "you seem more negative when we talk about the future"

emotional intelligence

the ability to recognize feelings, to judge which feelings are appropriate in which situations, and to communicate those feelings effectively ex: an emotionally intelligent response to a car cutting you off would be to take a deep breath and not react and think of different reasons for why that person was maybe driving that way

rational-emotive approach to feelings

uses rational thinking and self-talk to challenge the debilitating thoughts about emotions that undermine healthy self-concepts and relationships. 1st step: The first step is to monitor your emotional reactions to events and experiences that distress you. Notice what's happening in your body; 2nd step: is to identify the events and situations to which you have un-pleasant responses. Look for commonalities between situations. 3rd step: is to tune in to your self-talk. Listen to what's happening in your head. What is your Me saying? Is it telling you that you shouldn't feel certain emotions? 4th step: We can use our self-talk to challenge the debilitating fallacies.

selective organizing material

we don't perceive everything around us. we selectively attend to only some messages and elements of our environments. What we attend to depends on many factors, including our interests, cognitive structures, and expectations. **Selective listening is also influenced by culture; even in utero, fetuses become attuned to the sounds of their language Ex: we must pay attention to this habit, because we often overlook quieter speakers ***** we construct others and their communication when we use our schemata to make sense of situations and people. In other words, we create meaning by how we select and organize communication. Remembering this reminds us to keep perceptions tentative and open to revision.