COM 220 final

taking the thought, "we are going to study together" and making it aggressive, assertive, and deferential

"we are studying together Saturday at 2." "I'd like for us to study together sometime this weekend." "It would be nice to study together, that is if you are free and would like to and have classes you need to study for."

Reasons we may not express emotions

*cultural/social expectations *Self-protection *Protecting others *Social/professional roles

Styles of Love

- Eros: passionate - Ludus: game playing - Storge: friendship based - Pragma: practical - Mania: possessive, dependent - Agape: selfless, all-giving

what have your friends have done for you?

-Instrumental Rewards -Expressive Rewards

What men lie about online...

-age -height -income

What women lie about online...

-age -weight -physical build

Emotional intelligence consists of what qualities

-being aware of your feelings -dealing with emotions without being being overcome by them -not letting setbacks derail you -channeling feelings to assist achieving your goals -being able to understand how others feel -listening to your feelings and those of others to learn from them -recognizing social norms for expression of emotions

Expectations of friendships

-companionship -consideration -communication -affection

Effective communication of emotions

-define what you feel -Decide whether you want to communicate your feelings Yes( to whom?, when?, where?) No(engage in emotional work to manage your feelings) -manage how you express feelings: owning feelings, monitoring your self talk, establishing a supportive climate, relay on specific language

The interactive view of emotions

-framing rules-feeling rules -felt emotion- emotional work-felt emotion-emotional expression

what makes someone a friend

-friendship involves seeing someone as a unique individual -friendship is voluntary -friendship lacks institutionalized structures and guidelines

Social groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors

-high context communication -low context communication

guidelines for communicating emotions effectively

-identify your emotions -choose whether and how to express emotions -own your feelings -monitor your self-talk -adopt a rational-emotive approach to feelings -respond sensitively when others communicate emotions

examples of phrases that flip it back on you and make you feel bad

-im not mad -fine, whatever -I thought you knew -why are you getting so upset -im not mad, you're mad -its okay, Ill just take care of it

Making Acquaintances

-make conversation -develop an other-centered focus -engage in turn taking

Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly

-overt conflict - out in the open and explicit covert conflict - conflict that is expressed indirectly; generally more difficult to manage constructively than overt conflict (passive aggression)

Develop curiosity in difficult situations

-what is going on here? -what have I not yet understood?

Principles of Conflict

1. Conflict is natural in relationships 2. Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly 3. Social groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors 4. Conflict can be managed well or poorly 5. Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships

Stages of the Family Life Cycle

1. establishing family 2.enlarging family 3.developing family 4.encouraging indépendance 5.launching children 6.post launching children 7. retirement

Orientations to Conflict

1. lose-lose 2. win-lose 3. win-win

four steps of the rational-emotive approach to feelings

1.to monitor your emotional reactions to events and experiences that distress you 2.identify the events and situations to which you have unpleasant responses 3.Listen to what's happening in your head. What is your Me saying? 4.to respond sensitively when others express their feelings to you

average number of close friends typical Americans have

2-4

According to John Gottman the "magic ratio" for pleasant and unpleasant interactions is:

5:1

Comfort

A final quality of healthy relationships is understanding and being comfortable with relational dialectics.

relational culture

A private world of rules, understandings, and patterns of acting and interpreting that partners create to give meaning to their relationship; the nucleus of intimacy.

perception checking

A three-part method for verifying the accuracy of interpretations, including a description of the sense data, two possible interpretations, and a request for confirmation of the interpretations.

Identify your emotions

Before you can communicate emotions effectively, you must be able to identify what you feel

Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships

Bids: request for interactions 5:1 good bids for every bad bid

________ is taking a topic that has come up in conflict and moving it to a later time. That way it doesn't sidetrack communicators from engaging the center of their disagreement.

Bracketing

companionate family

Celebrate personality. Smaller family size. The child will lead a better life than the parents.

counterfeit emotional language

Communication that seems to express feelings but doesn't actually describe what a person is feeling.

Surface acting is:

Controlling outward expression of inner feelings

surface acting

Controlling outward expression of inner feelings rather then controlling feelings

Language that seems to express emotions but does not actually describe what a person is feeling

Counterfeit emotional language

150

Dunbars number

Unproductive Conflict Communication

Early Stages -fails to confirm -cross-complaining Middle stages -Kitchen sinking Later stages -counter -proposals -meta communication -poor listening -defensive, negative climate

constructive conflict communication

Early stages -acknowledge others concerns & feelings -supportive climate Middle stages -agenda building -bracketing -perception checking Later stages -conflicting not countering

type of love that is powerful and passionate

Eros

The _______ response to conflict involves physically leaving a conflict or psychologically withdrawing.

Exit

All of the following are true about self-disclosure EXCEPT:

In established relationships, disclosures are more frequent than in just forming relationships

speaking in generalities

I feel bad." "I'm happy." "I'm sad." Statements such as these do express emotional states, but they do so ineffectively because they are so general and abstract that they don't clearly communicate what the speaker feels

Before we can communicate emotions effectively, what must we do first?

Identify what you feel

Which one of the following statements is true about violence and abuse in romantic relationships?

Many people do not report violent or abuse incidents.

How is emotional intelligence linked to well-being

People who have high emotional intelligence quotients are more likely than people with lower EQs to create satisfying relationships, to be comfortable with themselves, to work effectively with others, and to have better overall health.

Expressive Rewards

Related to having emotional needs met (excitement, status or revenge)

The first stage of friendship

Role limited

________ is work that one partner-usually, but not always, a woman- does after coming home from a shift in the paid labor force outside the home.

Second shift

_____ states that people apply economic principles to evaluate their relationships.

Social exchange theory

The interactive view of emotions proposes that:

Social rules and understandings shape what people feel and how they do or don't express their feelings

Even at a young age girls understand that they are supposed to be nice to everyone, so they fear that being overtly mean to others would lead to disapproval or punishment. As a result this trapped aggression girls can turn to:

Spreading hurtful rumors and social exclusion

Of her marriage Myra says, "It wasn't like we ever really fell in love. It was more like we grew together kind of gradually. I think of my husband as my best friend." Myra seems to have which style of loving?

Storge

According to your book, "engaging in conflict indicates that people care enough about each other to want to resolve differences."

True

According to your book, a main difference between stabilized friendships and new acquintances is that stavilized friends assume they'll continue to see each other even if they don't have specific dates reserved.

True

Wanting some privacy in a relationship doesn't mean that a relationship is in trouble. It means only that we have needs for both openness and closedness.

True

Cultural/social exceptions example

United States, men are expected to be more restrained than women in expressing most emotions, yet men are allowed to express anger, which is often disapproved of in women.

kitchen-sinking conflict

a response to a conflict in which combatants hurl insults and accusations at each other that have very little to do with the original disagreement.

emtional intelligence

ability to recognize feelings, to judge which feelings are appropriate in which situations, and to communicate those feelings effectively

endorsement

accepting anthers feelings -It's natural to be worried about the LSAT when you have so much riding on it. I know what going to law school means to you." -How can you worry about the LSAT when the country is on the verge of war? (disconfirming)

Passive-Agressive Communication

acting aggressively while denying feeling or acting aggressive

Suzy was happy and felt very loved when Jo checked her oil and tire pressure. Suzy's primary love language was

acts of service

love language that appreciates doing something for other person- like checking tire pressure

acts of service

voice response

addresses conflict directly and attempts to resolve it

navigation

adjusting, working through problems, accommodating - relational culture -placemaking

a time when the number friendships drop

after marriage and children

example of low emotional intelligence

aggressive, demanding, egotistical, bossy, confrontational

self-protection: chilling effect

an action that discourages others from speaking their mind

counter-proposal conflict

an alternative proposal made in response to a previous proposal that is regarded as unacceptable or unsatisfactory.

Emotions

are our experience and interpretation of internal sensations as they are shaped by physiology, perceptions, language, and social experiences. -what we feel is not a single emotion but several mingled together

example of high emotional intelligence

assertive, ambitious, driving, strong-willed, decisive

poor listening conflict

assuming, screaming

Tabitha wants some time alone because she feels a need to get in touch with herself as an individual. However, her partner wants them to spend as much time together as possible. The tension in this example illustrates the _____ relational dialectic

autonomy/connection

Trust

believing in another reliability (that he or she will do as promised) and another effort to look out for the welfare and relationship

friends of the road

change as we move along the road of life

Example of surface acting

children learn that they should say "thank you" when they receive a gift and that they should not hit a friend who takes a toy

Example of Deep Acting

children may be taught that they should feel grateful when given a gift even if they don't like the gift and that they should not feel angry when a friend takes a toy

Suppressing complaints of anger because we fear a more powerful person could punish us

chilling effect

contracting not countering

clarifying and resolving the issue

clear and masked communication

clear-messages spoke plainly masked- messages are muddied or vague

To build a lasting relationship with someone, we need something more durable than passion, we need

commitment

monitor your self talk

communication with ourselves

Bids

confirming or disconfirming interactions

type of communication climate where parental power ensures control, agreement, and appearance of harmony

conformity

4 horsemen of the apocalypse

contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling

Passive aggression and games such as, "Yes, But" are examples of:

covert conflict

when people express feelings indirectly

covert conflict

acknowledge other concern and feelings

creates a good climate by recognizing how the other feels and cares about their concerns on the issue

Framing rules

define the emotional meaning of situations

neglect response

denies or minimizes problems, disagreements, anger, tension, or other matters that could lead to overt conflict

conflict can be managed well or poorly

depending on how we handle disagreements closeness or tear a relationship apart. (four houseman)

Autonomy vs. Connection

desire to be your own person vs. desire to be close to others

a romantic couple is experiencing a breakdown of patterns rules and rituals.

deterioration

For individuals socialized in feminine speech communities, closeness in interpersonal relationships is primarily achieved through:

dialogue

communication

discussing info about ones self

The love language acts of service means

doing something for your partner that they would like

affection

expressing sentiments

More than 50% of people over the age of 24 are married.

false

Transmission - external function

family is the transmitter of cultural values from generation to generation

godly family

family was microcosm of the larger society. moral instruction was more important than building child's self-esteem

Psychological emotions

felt a knot in your stomach when you got back an exam with a low grade -found that when people smile (physiological action), their moods (emotions) are more positive, and when people frown, their moods are more negative.

win-win conflict

finding a compromise

Excessively insulting another person online, often using language that is derogatory or obscene, is called ___

flaming

friendly relationship

focus on shared activities, find out more about them

Negotiating Dialectical Tensions

four ways partners handle the tension generated by opposing needs... -Neutralization -Selection -Separation -Reframing

friends we stay friends with despite time and distance

friends of the heart

moving towards friendship

getting to know them on a deeper level

Jo felt loved when Suzy brought her the new Justin Bieber CD and a pack of skittles to help her study for finals. Jo's primary love language is:

gifts

The love language of gifts means

giving them small presents

The love language quality time means

giving your partner undivided attention

Most friendships end

gradually

Consideration

helpfullness

consensual

high conversation, high conformity -talk but parents have the final say

bracketing

highlight one issue at a time and avoid kitchen sinking

Games of Conflict

highly patterned interactions where the real conflict is hidden or denied and a counterfeit excuse is created... -Blemish -Now I got you you son of a bitch -yes, but... -mine is worse than yours...

The love language physical touch means

holding hands, hugging, and kissing

The feelings of closeness, connection, tenderness are associated with this dimension. ___ is abiding affection and warm feelings for another person.

intimacy

Three dimensions of committed romantic relationships are

intimacy, commitment, and passion

four factors of building relationships

investment commitment trust comfort

4 factors for maintain a relationship

investment commitment trust comfort

exit response

involves physically walking out or psychologically withdrawing

unproductive conflict communication where you start listing everything the person has done in the last three years that has bothered you

kitchen sinking

Concerning the typical life cycle of a families with children, the fifth stage is usually

launching children

deep acting

learning what they should and should not feel -requires changing how we perceive and label events and phenomenas

The clearest indication that a friendship is in the waning stage is:

less quality and quantity of communication.

Men who don't have jobs in the paid labor force and whose female partners work outside the home engage in _____ child care and home maintenance than men who have jobs in the paid labor force. Unemployed women spend _______ as much time on child care and housework as employed women.

less: twice

Laissez-faire

low conformity and low conversation. -no conversation, children make own choices

pluralistic

low conformity, high conversation; develop strong and varied opinions about the world, encourages open discussion and does not stress conformity

protective

low conversation, high conformity -parents have final say with no or little conversation about the matter

supportive climate

make sure they understand each other on the issue and feel able to talk about it

high context communication

message is conveyed by surrounding context

the child most likely to be the favorite

mothers favor first born sons, dads favor last born daughter

Neutralization

negotiate a balance between two dialectical needs. Each need is met to an extent, but neither is fully satisfied

No curiosity v.s curiosity

no curiosity: "they are idiots, they don't care what happens to country" curiosity: "what is important to them and why? how does this make sense to them?"

lose-lose conflict

no one achieves his or her true desires, and the underlying reasons for conflict remain unaffected

win-lose conflict

one party achieves its desires, and the other party does not

In terms of love styles, all of the following statements are true EXCEPT:

one's love style is permanent throughout life

Conversation

open expression of ideas. Values, and fosters self expression.

Relational Dialectics

opposing forces, or tensions, that are continuous and normal in personal relationships. -autonomy/connection -novelty/predicability -open v.s closeness

The _____ view of emotions posits this model: stimulus>physiological response>emotion

organismic

Social and Professional Roles examples

our roles make it inappropriate. -An attorney or judge who cries when hearing a sad story from a witness might be perceived as unprofessional

Conformity

parental power to ensure control, agreement, and appearance of harmony

part of triangular love theory

passion, intimacy, commitment

Nothing makes Juliet feel more loved than when Romeo holds her hand, hugs, and kisses her. Juliet's primary love language is:

physical touch

Relational culture is best defined as

private understandings, rules, and meanings that partners create.

internal family functions

providing care, socialization (taught to socialize) intellectual development (help in school) recreation (taught to ride a bike) emotional support

what are internal functions of the family

providing care, socialization, intellectual development, recreation, emotional support

Jimmy got upset with Kris when she started working longer hours and canceling their evening walks together. Jimmy's primary love language is

quality time

Instrumental Rewards

receiving tangible resources

recogntion

recognizing another person exists -We do this with nonverbal behaviors (a smile or touch) and verbal communication ("Hello," "Good to meet you"). -you might not look up when a coworker enters your office. A parent who punishes a child by refusing to speak to her or him disconfirms the child.

After the first few married years, most couples experience a dip in marital satisfaction

regardless of whether or not they have children.

development of friendship

role-limited interaction, friendly relations, moving toward friendship, nascent friendship, stabilized friendship, waning friendship

Sydney and Stacey Miller are a couple who are highly autonomous. They give each other plenty of room and they share less emotionally than the other marital types. The millers would be best categorized as which of Fitzpatrick's marital types?

separates

Communication climate is the

shaped by verbal and nonverbal interaction between people and is the overall feeling or emotional mood between people

companionship

sharing activities, company

Ineffective emotional expression

speaking in generalities, not owning feelings, counterfeit emotional language

not owning feelings

stating feelings in a way that disowns personal responsibility for the feeling is one of the most common obstacles to effective expression of emotions

loyalty response

staying committed to a relationship despite differences

agenda building

staying focused on the main issues

Reframing

strategy in which partners redefine contradictory needs as not in opposition. -some partners said that disagreements added spice to their relationship. Others said disagreements were evidence that they maintained their individuality in the relationship.

meta-communication conflict

talking about the ways in which the issue was talked about

feeling rules

tell us what we have a right to feel or what we are expected to feel in particular situations

emotional competence

the ability to control emotions and know when it is appropriate to express certain emotions

fails to confirm conflict

the couple will not recognize they have a problem

conformity orientation

the degree to which families believe that communication should emphasize similarity or diversity in attitudes, beliefs, and values

conversation orientation

the degree to which family members are encouraged to participate in unrestrained interaction about a wide array of topics

commitment

the desire to stay in a relationship no matter what happens -love is a feeling but commitment is a choice

emotion work

the effort to generate what we think are appropriate feelings in particular situations

waning friendship

the friendship stage during which friends begin to drift apart

stabilized friendship

the friendship stage in which we decide that our friendship is secure and will continue

nascent friendship

the friendship stage that finds us considering each other friends

Dunbar's number

the idea that a person can only have a limited number of close relationships, probably around 150

communication climate

the overall feeling or emotional mood between people

Placemaking

the process of creating a comfortable personal environment that reflects the values, experiences, and tastes of the couple

external family functions

transmission: family is the transmitter of cultural values from generation to generation (celebrate easter)

Emotional intimacy grows out of investments, such as time, talk, and shared experiences.

true

Words of affirmation love language means

using words to build up the other person

Useful conflict management skills involve all of the following EXCEPT:

using you language

opens v.s closeness

wanting open communication and wanting a degree of privacy, even with intimates

Novelty v.s predicability

wanting routine or familiarity and wanting something new and exciting in a relationship

family communication patterns

ways that conversation and conformity orientations combined create four categories: consensual, pluralistic, protective, or laissez faire

self-protection example

we don't want to give others information that could affect how they perceive or act toward us. We fear that someone will like us less if we say that we feel angry with him or her

protecting others example

we fear we could hurt or upset others or cause them to lose face. Sometimes we make an ethical choice not to express emotions that would hurt another person and not achieve any positive outcome

Selection

we give priority to one dialectical need and neglect the other -Some partners cycle between dialectical needs, favoring each one alternately

acknowledgement

what another feels, think, or says -. If a friend says, "I'm really scared that I blew the LSAT exam," you could acknowledge that by paraphrasing: "So you're worried that you didn't do well on it, huh?" -"Have you ever wondered what kind of person would design exams like the LSAT for a living?" "Want to go catch a movie tonight?" (disconfirming)

example of emotion work

you might think it is wrong to feel gleeful when someone you dislike is hurt. This is known as "the pinch," which is a discrepancy between what we feel and what we think we should feel

steps you should go through when giving criticism to someone you are in a relationship with

1. Ask permission 2. Describe behavior and consequences 3. Give an affirming statement 4. When appropriate, suggest changed behavior

steps to addressing conflict

1. Ask permission before giving criticism 2. describe behavior and its consequences 3. prepare an affirming statement 4. suggest how the behavior can change

Levels of Confirmation and Disconfirmation

1. Recognition 2. Acknowledgement 3. Endorsement

Four Houseman

1. contempt (mocking, sarcasm) 2.Criticism (attacking the other person) 3.Defensivness (deflect blame) 4. stonewalling(shut down, exit response)

All of the following statements about friendships around the world are true EXCEPT

Before marriage, 84% of Japanese say they have close friends of the opposite sex.

friends of the heart

Friends who remain close regardless of distance and life changes.

The belief that family was a microcosm of society.

Godly family

Which statement is true of grace?

Grace involves forgiving someone for something they did.

The Organismic view of emotions

The theory that external phenomena cause physiological changes that lead us to experience emotions. Also called the James-Lange view of emotions. Stimulus - physiological response- emotion

cognitive labeling view of emotions

The theory that our feelings are shaped by the labels we apply to our physiological responses. -External event- Physiological response- Label for response- emotion

interactive view of emotions

The theory that social rules and understandings shape what people feel and how they express and withhold feelings.

the interactive view of emotions

The theory that social rules and understandings shape what people feel and how they express and withhold feelings.

the perceptual view of emotions

The theory that subjective perceptions shape the meanings of external phenomena and the emotions we associate with them. Also called appraisal theory. -External event- perception of the event- interpreted emotion- response

own your feelings

Use I language instead of you language

Rational Emotive approach to feelings

Using rational thinking to challenge and change debilitating emotions that undermine self-concept and self-esteem.

separation

When we separate dialectics, we assign one dialectical need to certain spheres of interaction and the opposing dialectical need to other aspects of interaction. -couples are autonomous professionally, relying little on each other for advice, although they are very connected about family matters.

cross-complaining conflict

a conflict pattern in which partners trade unrelated criticisms, leaving the initial issue unresolved

an attempt to engage another person in a positive transaction

a connecting bid

What is family?

a network of people who live together over long periods of time bound by ties of marriage, blood, or commitment, legal or otherwise

The ability to recognize feelings, to judge which feelings are appropriate in which situations, and to communicate those feelings effectively is known as:

emotional intelligence

low context communication

emphasized directions

The strongest level of confirmation is ______. It involves accepting another's feelings or thoughts

endorsement

role-limited interaction

engaging in small talk and sharing only minimal amounts of information

The assumption that our culture and its norms are the only right ones is called:

ethnocentrism

conflict is natural in relationships

everyone fights

interpersonal conflict

exists when people in "I"-you of "I-thou" relationship have different views, interests, or goals and feel a need to resolve those differences

Investment

what we put into a relationship -time, energy, thoughts, feelings and interactions -can not be recovered -happiest couples feel they have invested equally

favorite child

when parents give different amounts of affection and support the different siblings

whether and how to express emotions

when, where, and how to express your emotions

"Friends of the heart" are friends

who stay friends in spite of time and distance

orientation to conflict where we see it as a battle. one person wins and one person loses

win-lose

Steve enjoyed getting compliments and being told that he was doing a great job. Steve's primary love language was

words of affirmation

democratic family

work moved outside the home and the family became a protective shell