Chapter 6: Interpersonal Communication Processes

Instrumental Goals

gaining compliance (getting someone to do something for us), getting information we need, or asking for support Get things done in our relationship ex: gaining/resisting compliance requesting or presenting info asking for or giving support

Display Rules: Individualistic Cultures

where personal experience and self-determination are values built into cultural practices and communication, expressing emotions is viewed as a personal right. In fact, the outward expression of our inner states may be exaggerated, since getting attention from those around you is accepted and even expected in individualistic cultures like the United States

Serial Arguing

which is a repeated pattern of disagreement over an issue. Serial arguments do not necessarily indicate negative or troubled relationships, but any kind of patterned conflict is worth paying attention to

In the Settlement Stage of Negotiation

you want to decide on one of the proposals and then summarize the chosen proposal and any related concessions. It is possible that each party can have a different view of the agreed solution Last, you'll need to follow up on the solution to make sure it's working for both parties.

Four main categories for disclosure include

observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs

Relationship Rituals

take on more symbolic meaning than do relationship routines and may be variations on widely recognized events—such as birthdays, anniversaries, Passover, Christmas, or Thanksgiving—or highly individualized and original. Relational partners may personalize their traditions

Key Takeaways - Disclosure

• Through the process of self-disclosure, we disclose personal information and learn about others. • The social penetration theory argues that self-disclosure increases in breadth and depth as a relationship progresses, like peeling back the layers of an onion. • We engage in social comparison through self-disclosure, which may determine whether or not we pursue a relationship. • Getting integrated: The process of self-disclosure involves many decisions, including what, when, where, and how to disclose. All these decisions may vary by context, as we follow different patterns of self-disclosure in academic, professional, personal, and civic contexts. • The receiver's reaction to and interpretation of self-disclosure are important factors in how the disclosure will affect the relationship.

Self-Construal

However, within the larger cultures, individuals will vary in the degree to which they view themselves as part of a group or as a separate individual Self-construal and individualistic or collectivistic cultural orientations affect how people engage in facework and the conflict management styles they employ. Self-construal alone does not have a direct effect on conflict style, but it does affect face concerns, with independent self-construal favoring self-face concerns and interdependent self-construal favoring other-face concerns.

Evolution of Emotions

Emotional regulation can help manage conflict, and empathy allows us to share the emotional state of someone else, which increases an interpersonal bond. These capacities were important as early human society grew increasingly complex and people needed to deal with living with more people

Avoidant Attachment

Individuals with this style report discomfort with closeness and a reluctance to depend on others. They quickly develop feelings of love for others, but those feelings lose intensity just as fast. As a result, people with this attachment style do not view love as long lasting or enduring and have a general fear of intimacy because of this. This attachment style might develop due to a lack of bonding with a primary caregiver.

Interpersonal Communication

Is the process of exchanging messages between people whose lives mutually influence one another in unique ways in relation to social and cultural norms.

Relationship rules

are explicitly communicated guidelines for what should and should not be done in certain contexts.

Primary Emotions

are innate emotions that are experienced for short periods of time and appear rapidly, usually as a reaction to an outside stimulus, and are experienced similarly across cultures. The primary emotions are joy, distress, anger, fear, surprise, and disgust

Secondary Emotions

are not as innate as primary emotions, and they do not have a corresponding facial expression that makes them universally recognizable. Secondary emotions are processed by a different part of the brain that requires higher order thinking; therefore, they are not reflexive. Secondary emotions are love, guilt, shame, embarrassment, pride, envy, and jealousy Since these emotions require more processing, they are more easily influenced by thoughts and can be managed, which means we can become more competent communicators by becoming more aware of how we experience and express secondary emotions. Although there is more cultural variation in the meaning and expression of secondary emotions, they are still universal in that they are experienced by all cultures.

Emotions

are physiological, behavioral, and/or communicative reactions to stimuli that are cognitively processed and experienced as emotional

Relationship Norms

are similar to routines and rituals in that they develop naturally in a relationship and generally conform to or are adapted from what is expected and acceptable in the larger culture or society

Display Rules

are sociocultural norms that influence emotional expression. Display rules influence who can express emotions, which emotions can be expressed, and how intense the expressions can be

Relationship Cultures

are the climates established through interpersonal communication that are unique to the relational partners but based on larger cultural and social norms.

Personal Idioms

are unique to certain relationships, and they create a sense of belonging due to the inside meaning shared by the relational partners They also communicate the uniqueness of the relationship and create boundaries, since meaning is only shared within the relationship.

Face Negotiation Theory

argues that people in all cultures negotiate face through communication encounters, and that cultural factors influence how we engage in facework, especially in conflict situations These cultural factors influence whether we are more concerned with self-face or other-face and what types of conflict management strategies we may use. One key cultural influence on face negotiation is the distinction between individualistic and collectivistic cultures.

In short, you are testing the compatibility of your schemata with the new people you encounter

One of the functions of this type of storytelling, early in forming interpersonal bonds, is a test to see if the people you are meeting have similar stories or can relate to your previous relationship cultures.

What does it mean to "save face?" This saying generally refers to preventing embarrassment or preserving our reputation or image, which is similar to the concept of face in interpersonal and intercultural communication

Our face is the projected self we desire to put into the world, and facework refers to the communicative strategies we employ to project, maintain, or repair our face or maintain, repair, or challenge another's face

relational storytelling

is an important part of how we create culture in larger contexts and how we create a uniting and meaningful storyline for our relationships We often rely on relationship storytelling to create a sense of stability in the face of change, test the compatibility of potential new relational partners, or create or maintain solidarity in established relationships

Relationship Rules and Norms

s help with the daily function of the relationship. They help create structure and provide boundaries for interacting in the relationship and for interacting with larger social networks

In the Exploration Stage of Negotiation

There should be a high level of info exchange The overarching goal in this stage is to get a panoramic view of the conflict by sharing your perspective and listening to the other person. In this stage, you will likely learn how the other person is punctuating the conflict The information that you gather here may clarify the situation enough to end the conflict and cease negotiation. If negotiation continues, the information will be key as you move into the bargaining stage

Attachment Theory

This process of attachment leads us to experience some of our first intense emotions, such as love, trust, joy, anxiety, or anger, and we learn to associate those emotions with closely bonded relationships

Four common triggers for conflict are

criticism, demand, cumulative annoyance, and rejection

Display Rules: Collectivistic Cultures

emotions are viewed as more interactional and less individual, which ties them into social context rather than into an individual right to free expression. An expression of emotion reflects on the family and cultural group rather than only on the individual. Therefore, emotional displays are more controlled, because maintaining group harmony and relationships is a primary cultural value, which is very different from the more individualistic notion of having the right to get something off your chest.

Relationship Routines

s are communicative acts that create a sense of predictability in a relationship that is comforting. Some communicative routines may develop around occasions or conversational topics

Cumulative annoyance

is a building of frustration or anger that occurs over time, eventually resulting in a conflict interaction

Emotional Intelligence

"involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one's thinking and action" Empathy is key especially in appraising others expressions and emotions

DTR Talk

A form of relationship-maintenance communication that defines the relationship between two people—often occurs in the early stages of a relationship to reduce uncertainty about where one stands with the other person.

There are also cultural norms regarding which types of emotions can be expressed

In individualistic cultures, especially in the United States, there is a cultural expectation that people will exhibit positive emotions collectivistic cultures may view expressions of positive emotion negatively because someone is bringing undue attention to himself or herself, which could upset group harmony and potentially elicit jealous reactions from others.

Anxious Attachment

Individuals with this style report t a desire for closeness but anxieties about being abandoned. They regularly experience self-doubts and may blame their lack of love on others' unwillingness to commit rather than their own anxiety about being left. They are emotionally volatile and more likely to experience intense negative emotions such as anxiety and anger. This attachment style might develop because primary caregivers were not dependable or were inconsistent—alternating between caring or nurturing and neglecting or harming.

Secure Attachment

Individuals with this style report that their relationship with their parents is warm and that their parents also have a positive and caring relationship with each other. People with this attachment style are generally comfortable with intimacy, feel like they can depend on others when needed, and have few self-doubts. As a result, they are generally more effective at managing their emotions, and they are less likely to experience intense negative emotions in response to a negative stimulus like breaking up with a romantic partner.

Self-Presentation Goals

Purse by adapting our communication in order to be perceived in particular ways ex: presenting yourself as competent presenting yourself as friendly presenting yourself as aloof or too cool for school

Relationship Schemata

blueprints or plans that show the inner workings of a relationship We also enter into new relationships with expectations based on the schemata we have developed in previous relationships and learned from our larger society and culture.

Theory of Self-Disclosure: Johari Window

can be applied to a variety of interpersonal interactions in order to help us understand what parts of ourselves are open, hidden, blind, and unknown. To help understand the concept, think of a window with four panes.

Five Strategies for Managing Conflict

competing, avoiding, accommodating, compromising, collaborating

Accommodating

conflict management style indicates a low concern for self and a high concern for other and is often viewed as passive or submissive, in that someone complies with or obliges another without providing personal input. The context for and motivation behind accommodating play an important role in whether or not it is an appropriate strategy. Generally, we accommodate because we are being generous, we are obeying, or we are yielding Accommodating can be appropriate when there is little chance that our own goals can be achieved, when we don't have much to lose by accommodating, when we feel we are wrong, or when advocating for our own needs could negatively affect the relationship Research has shown that the accommodating style is more likely to occur when there are time restraints and less likely to occur when someone does not want to appear weak

There is a pattern of verbal escalation:

requests, demands, complaints, angry statements, threats, harassment, and verbal abuse

Situational Attributions

identify the cause of a disclosure with the context or surroundings in which it takes place.

Interpersonal Attributions

identify the relationship between sender and receiver as the cause of the disclosure

Independent Self-Construal

indicates a perception of the self as an individual with unique feelings, thoughts, and motivations More likely to engage in competing

Interdependent Self-Construal

indicates a perception of the self as interrelated with others More likely to engage in avoiding or collaborating

Emotion Sharing

involves communicating the circumstances, thoughts, and feelings surrounding an emotional event. Emotion sharing usually starts immediately following an emotional episode. The intensity of the emotional event corresponds with the frequency and length of the sharing, with high-intensity events being told more often and over a longer period of time Our social bonds are enhanced through emotion sharing because the support we receive from our relational partners increases our sense of closeness and interdependence

Mindreading

is communication in which one person attributes something to the other using generalizations. If Sam says, "You don't care whether I come home at all or not!" she is presuming to know Nicki's thoughts and feelings. Nicki is likely to respond defensively, perhaps saying, "You don't know how I'm feeling!"

Relationship-Maintenance Communication

is like taking your car to be serviced at the repair shop

Self-Disclosure

is purposeful disclosure of personal information to another person The process of self-disclosure is circular. An individual self-discloses, the recipient of the disclosure reacts, and the original discloser processes the reaction. How the receiver interprets and responds to the disclosure are key elements of the process. Part of the response results from the receiver's attribution of the cause of the disclosure, which may include dispositional, situational, and interpersonal attributions

Empathy

is the ability to comprehend the emotions of others and to elicit those feelings in ourselves.

In the Bargaining Stage of Negotiation

is where you make proposals and concessions The proposal you make should be informed by what you learned in the exploration stage. Flexibility is important here, because you may have to revise your ideal outcome and bottom line based on new information. You want to make sure your opening proposal is reasonable and not presented as an ultimatum Through the proposals you make, you could end up with a win/win situation. If there are areas of disagreement, however, you may have to make concessions or compromise, which can be a partial win or a partial loss

Collectivistic Cultures

like Taiwan, Colombia, China, Japan, Vietnam, and Peru value in-group identity over individual identity and value conformity to social norms of the in-group More likely to use the avoiding style and less likely to use the integrating or competing style

Individualistic Cultures

like the United States and most of Europe emphasize individual identity over group identity and encourage competition and self-reliance less likely to use the avoiding style and more likely to use the integrating or competing style

Interpersonal Conflict

occurs in interactions where there are real or perceived incompatible goals, scarce resources, or opposing viewpoints Verbal or nonverbal

Two common conflict pitfalls are

one-upping and mindreading are often reactions that are more reflexive than deliberate

Emotional Contagion

or the spreading of emotion from one person to another

The stages of negotiating are

prenegotiation, opening, exploration, bargaining, and settlement

Depth

refers to how personal or sensitive the information is

Breadth

refers to the range of topics discussed

Some additional communicative acts that create our relational cultures include

relational storytelling, personal idioms, routines and rituals, and rules and norms

There are three patterns that occur with serial arguing:

repeating, mutual hostility, and arguing with assurances Whereas the first two patterns entail an increase in pressure on the participants in the conflict, the third pattern offers some relief. If people in an interpersonal conflict offer verbal assurances of their commitment to the relationship, then the problems associated with the other two patterns of serial arguing may be ameliorated

Theory of Self-Disclosure: Social Penetration Theory

states that as we get to know someone, we engage in a reciprocal process of self-disclosure that changes in breadth and depth and affects how a relationship develops. The theory also argues that people in a relationship balance needs that are sometimes in tension, which is a dialectic. Balancing a dialectic is like walking a tightrope We want to make ourselves open to others, through self-disclosure, but we also want to maintain a sense of privacy

Theory of Self-Disclosure: Social Comparison Theory

states that we evaluate ourselves based on how we compare with others We may disclose information about our intellectual aptitude or athletic abilities to see how we relate to others. This type of comparison helps us decide whether we are superior or inferior to others in a particular area. Disclosures about abilities or talents can also lead to self-validation if the person to whom we disclose reacts positively. By disclosing information about our beliefs and values, we can determine if they are the same as or different from others. Last, we may disclose fantasies or thoughts to another to determine whether they are acceptable or unacceptable. We can engage in social comparison as the discloser or the receiver of disclosures, which may allow us to determine whether or not we are interested in pursuing a relationship with another person

Relational Goals

striving to maintain a positive relationship ex: celebrating accomplishments spending time together checking in

Competing

style indicates a high concern for self and a low concern for other. When we compete, we are striving to "win" the conflict, potentially at the expense or "loss" of the other person. One way we may gauge our win is by being granted or taking concessions from the other person Has been linked to aggression, although the two are not always paired

Collaborating

style involves a high degree of concern for self and other and usually indicates investment in the conflict situation and the relationship. Although the collaborating style takes the most work in terms of communication competence, it ultimately leads to a win/win situation in which neither party has to make concessions because a mutually beneficial solution is discovered or created The disadvantage is that this style is often time consuming, and only one person may be willing to use this approach while the other person is eager to compete to meet their goals or willing to accommodate

Avoiding

style of conflict management often indicates a low concern for self and a low concern for other, and no direct communication about the conflict takes place. However, in some cultures that emphasize group harmony over individual interests, and even in some situations in the United States, avoiding a conflict can indicate a high level of concern for the other In general, avoiding doesn't mean that there is no communication about the conflict. Remember, you cannot not communicate. Even when we try to avoid conflict, we may intentionally or unintentionally give our feelings away through our verbal and nonverbal communication. The avoiding style is either passive or indirect, meaning there is little information exchange, which may make this strategy less effective than others. We may decide to avoid conflict for many different reasons, some of which are better than others. If you view the conflict as having little importance to you, it may be better to ignore it. If the person you're having conflict with will only be working in your office for a week, you may perceive a conflict to be temporary and choose to avoid it and hope that it will solve itself. If you are not emotionally invested in the conflict, you may be able to reframe your perspective and see the situation in a different way, therefore resolving the issue. In all these cases, avoiding doesn't really require an investment of time, emotion, or communication skill, so there is not much at stake to lose. Indirect strategies of hinting and joking also fall under the avoiding style Passive-aggressive behavior

Compromising

style shows a moderate concern for self and other and may indicate that there is a low investment in the conflict and/or the relationship. Even though we often hear that the best way to handle a conflict is to compromise, the compromising style isn't a win/win solution; it is a partial win/lose A negative of compromising is that it may be used as an easy way out of a conflict. The compromising style is most effective when both parties find the solution agreeable

Dispositional Attribution

that connects the cause of her disclosure to her personality by thinking, for example, that she is outgoing, inappropriate for the workplace, or fishing for information. If the personality trait to which you attribute the disclosure is positive, then your reaction to the disclosure is more likely to be positive.

Interpersonal Communication Competence

the ability to communicate effectively and appropriately in personal relationships

In the Prenegotiation Stage of Negotiation

you want to prepare for the encounter. If possible, let the other person know you would like to talk to them, and preview the topic, so they will also have the opportunity to prepare. While it may seem awkward to "set a date" to talk about a conflict, if the other person feels like they were blindsided, their reaction could be negative. Make your preview simple and nonthreatening During this stage you also want to figure out your goals for the interaction by reviewing your instrumental, relational, and self-presentation goals. It's very important that you realize there is a range between your ideal and your bottom line and that remaining flexible is key to a successful negotiation—remember, through collaboration a new solution could be found that you didn't think of

In the Opening Stage of Negotiation

you want to set the tone for the interaction because the other person will be likely to reciprocate. Generally, it is good to be cooperative and pleasant, which can help open the door for collaboration. You also want to establish common ground by bringing up overlapping interests and using "we" language

There are specific facework strategies for different conflict management styles, and these strategies correspond to self-face concerns or other-face concerns.

• Accommodating. Giving in (self-face concern). • Avoiding. Pretending conflict does not exist (other-face concern). • Competing. Defending your position, persuading (self-face concern). • Collaborating. Apologizing, having a private discussion, remaining calm (other-face concern)

Here are some tips for collaborating and achieving a win/win outcome

• Do not view the conflict as a contest you are trying to win. • Remain flexible and realize there are solutions yet to be discovered. • Distinguish the people from the problem (don't make it personal). • Determine what the underlying needs are that are driving the other person's demands (needs can still be met through different demands). • Identify areas of common ground or shared interests that you can work from to develop solutions. • Ask questions to allow them to clarify and to help you understand their perspective. • Listen carefully and provide verbal and nonverbal feedback.

Key Takeaways - Emotions

• Emotions result from outside stimuli or physiological changes that influence our behaviors and communication. • Emotions developed in modern humans to help us manage complex social life including interpersonal relations. • The expression of emotions is influenced by sociocultural norms and display rules. • Emotion sharing includes verbal expression, which is made more effective with an enhanced emotional vocabulary, and nonverbal expression, which may or may not be voluntary. • Emotional intelligence helps us manage our own emotions and effectively respond to the emotions of others.

Key Takeaways

• Interpersonal conflict is an inevitable part of relationships that, although not always negative, can take an emotional toll on relational partners unless they develop skills and strategies for managing conflict. • Although there is no absolute right or wrong way to handle a conflict, there are five predominant styles of conflict management, which are competing, avoiding, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating. • Perception plays an important role in conflict management because we are often biased in determining the cause of our own and others' behaviors in a conflict situation, which necessitates engaging in communication to gain information and perspective. • Culture influences how we engage in conflict based on our cultural norms regarding individualism or collectivism and concern for self-face or other-face. • We can handle conflict better by identifying patterns and triggers such as demands, cumulative annoyance, and rejection and by learning to respond mindfully rather than reflexively.

• There are functional aspects of interpersonal communication.

◦ We "get things done" in our relationships by communicating for instrumental goals such as getting someone to do something for us, requesting or presenting information, and asking for or giving support. ◦ We maintain our relationships by communicating for relational goals such as putting your relational partner's needs before your own, celebrating accomplishments, spending time together, and checking in. ◦ We strategically project ourselves to be perceived in particular ways by communicating for selfpresentation goals such as appearing competent or friendly

• There are cultural aspects of interpersonal communication.

◦ We create relationship cultures based on the relationship schemata we develop through our interactions with our larger society and culture. ◦ We engage in relationship storytelling to create a sense of stability in the face of change, to test our compatibility with potential relational partners, and to create a sense of solidarity and belonging in established relationships. ◦ We create personal idioms such as nicknames that are unique to our particular relationship and are unfamiliar to outsiders to create cohesiveness and solidarity. ◦ We establish relationship routines and rituals to help establish our relational culture and bring a sense of comfort and predictability to our relationships