comm exam
2. Experimenting
In this stage we are trying to determine whether we are interested in pursuing the relationship further This involves uncertanty reduction- the process of getting to know other by gaining more info about them. A usual part of uncertainty is the search for common ground, and it involves the conversational basics such as "Where are you from?" or "What is your major?"
4. Integrating
In this stage you establish some kind of personal, relational commitment with the other ~The quality and quantity of your interpersonal exchanges increase ~You talk more about the relationship ~You come to meaningfully share each other's social networks (bring around the family) ~Relational satisfaction is usually high during this stage ~Individuals become a unit, an identifiable pair-- verbal identifiers change from singular to plural ~The partners begin to take on eachother's commitments: "sure well come to the party friday" ~Common property may begin to be designated-our apartment, our song, our car ~Partners develop unique , (nonconventional) ritualistic ways of behaving
The third basic dialectical tension of relationships
Novelty vs. predictability-- the tension between the need for stability and the need for stimulation In other words, the dual desires for "newness" and adventure on the one hand, as well as sameness and familiarity on the other. While too much familiarity can lead to feelings of boredom and stagnation, too much unpredictability in a relationship can leave partners floundering for a sense of security and perceived stability -- "I dont know what to expect from you" ...or..."what happened to the person i married?"
types of opening lines- direct openers
" I'd really like to get to know you." (generally, men tend to prefer these more than women)
self references
"Hi my name is Sam, I'm from...."
context references
"I love the layout of this room;" or "Do you have the time."
other references
"I love your coat;" or "I think you were in my Spanish class last year."
relational references
"May I join you?" or "Could I buy you a cup of coffee?"
the relationship message revised
( aka the "rapport" or "control") dimension deals most typically with the issues both of status/power and emotion between the interactants. In other words, who, if anyone, has more power in the relationship?;or how does the source feel towards the receiver of the message?
The content message revised
("aka the report") dimension deal most typically with the "informational or behavioral" aspect of the message. In other words, is there an idea that is being expressed? or is there something that needs to be done?
Some partners, sensing relational deterioration (beginning with differentiating) will seek to repair things. This usually involves at least 2 components
1. Intrapersonal repair 2. Inerpersonal repair
every communication system is comprised into 3 kinds of things
1. elements of parts. 2. interconnections, or interactions, and 3. a function or purpose
Mark Knapp's Developmental Model of Relationships
1. initiating 2.experimenting 3.intensifying 4.integrating 5.bonding 6.differentiating 7.circumscribing 8.stagnating 9.avoiding 10.terminating
The hallmark of the experimenting stage is small talk, which serves several functions
1. it is a useful way to find out what interests we share with the other person 2. it also provides a way to audition the other person- to help us decide whether a relationship is worth pursuing 3. small talk is also a safe way to ease into a relationship. You haven't risked much as you decide whether to proceed further ~Thus generally small risks are taken to figure out how each feels about the other. If reciprocated, greater risks are taken (self-disclosures, request contact info, ask person out on a date, first kiss)
examples
1. young adults from consensual and pluralistic families are more confident listeners and more intellectually flexible than those from protective and laissez-fair backgrounds 2. offspring from pluralistic families are less verbally aggressive than those from any other type 3. by contrast, a protective approach by parents leads to more secrecy by children and less satisfaction for all members of the family
The first basic dialectical tension of relationships
Autonomy vs. connection - the tension between integration and the need for independence in a relationship In other words, the desire to be intimately connected to another person but also to remain an autonomous individual with one's independent identity intact Some of the most common reasons for relational breakups involve failure of partners to satisfy each other's needs for connection ; "we had different needs." but other relational complaints involve excessive demands for connection; "i need space," "i was feeling smothered," "i needed more freedom." Some research (Buunk, "05) suggests that men are more likely to value autonomy in relationships, whereas women tend to place higher value on connection and commitment.
5.Bonding
Bonded relationships are those involving a significant measure of public commitment. The public display and declaration of exclusivity makes this a distinct stage in the relationship. These can include engagement or marriage, sharing a residence, a public ceremony, or a written or verbal pledge. ~The key is that bonding is the culmination of a developed relationship- the "officializing" of a couple's integration. ~Bonding is the peak of what Knapp calls the "coming together" phase of relational development (the process from initiating bonding)
The second basic dialectical tension of relationships
Openness vs. privacy- the tensions between the need for disclosure and the need for secrecy in a relationship In other words, the desires to be transparent and vulnerable to increase intimacy as well as to keep personal secrets hidden and maintain privacy in order to protect oneself. In relationship, there is a strong need to disclose-- to known and be known in order to nurture a sense of closeness--we (the person we believe we really are) cannot really be loved without being truly known- but we have an equally important drive for self protection (often fueled by fear and/ or shame), which can move us toward keeping aspects of who we are hidden from others.
3. Intensifying
This stage begins when we use strategies that increase the stakes, the intensity of the relationship. ~The expression of feelings toward the other becomes more common, sometimes more directly, but often less so, such as: spending more time together asking for support from one another doing favors for the partner giving tokens of affection hinting and flirting expressing feelings non verbally (such as facial expressions and touch) getting to know the partner's friends and family and trying to look more physically attractive ~ The intensifying stage is usually a time of relational experiment and even euphoria (happy hormones are surging) --as a result ... perceptual objectivity can be pretty low in this stage (try to listen to your friends!).
the Palo Alto group
Watzlawick, Beavin, and Jackson view families through the lens of what is known as interactional theory, or popularly, systems theory
one key research ? addressed by the Palo Alto group was
Why do dysfunctional patterns of relating and behaving seem to be so hard to change within families A: not by focusing on individual behaviors but rather focusing on cycles of interactions between family members... thus the name of the theory
communication system
a group of interacting and interdependent part that function as a whole."
because the elements or parts of the system are interconnected, they______...
affect one another. In other words, we cannot understand any part of a system in isolation of the other interrelated parts. If you change any part of the system, the whole system is affected. As such, "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts."
maturity
also a factor in the experience of love. For instance, adolescents don't identify with the triangle components as well as adults do
second most common strategy for coping with tensions
alternation: pursuing one extreme now, the other extreme later(in other words, alternating over time). Baxter found this to be the most common response of partners to the autonomy/connection paradox
6 major factors of attraction
appearance and personality similarity complementary proximity reciprocity of liking reward
as couples age they tend to value _______
commitment more than the other components-- although long-term partners experience more passion and intimacy than some stereotypes suggest
intimacy + commitment
companionate love
comparison levels for alternatives
comparing what i get with what i think i could get in another relationship
comparison levels
comparing what i get with what i think i should get (my expectations)
2 ways we evaluate our profit margin
comparison levels comparison levels for alternatives
a family both high in conversational orientation and conformity orientation
consensual, communication reflects the tension between the pressure to agree and preserve the hierarchy of authority and an interest in open communication and exploration. While family members would feel free to make their case about a particular issue, ultimately, the decision would rest with those in authority
Intimacy + Passion + Commitment
consummate love
first most common strategy for coping with tensions
denial: continually pursuing one extreme of a dialect while ignoring the other Baxter found partners reported being generally dissatisfied with this common approach to dealing with the autonomy/connection paradox
examples - rules
dont feel dont trust dont talk
we also learn a great deal about what to ___
expect from hot to conduct relationships from our families of origin
rules
family members learn sets of rules that accomplish key functions within the family system We learn what topics we can (family activities) and cannot ( family finances, family conflict) talk about outside the family we learn which emotions are ok to express and which ones arent we learn the extent to which we can depend upon another family member and/or fend for ourselves we learn how to fight/have conflict (or not ) within our family we learn how to manage our territories and artifacts, like to what extent we must keep our room clean or pick up our clothes or to always put the toilet seat down after use ( or not) We learn which rules-violations will be overlooked (being late for dinner) and which will incur serious wrath from parents (lying about where you were) As stated above these rules serve key functions for the members following them ( like keeping family together or maintaining a level of predictability/ knowing what to expect within the family) even if they create other consequential problems
passion + commitment
fatuous love (silly, foolish)
families of origin are
formative. we have developed a significant sense of who we are - our identity - from our family of origin
G. Chapman 5 love languages
giving and receiving gifts spending quality time words of affirmation acts of service physical touch
types of opening lines - innocuous openers
highly ambiguous comments that might be made to anyone, regardless of interest in generating an encounter. "what do you think of the brand?" or "do you know how to work this machine?" ( both men and women generally like these)
types of opening lines - cute flipplant openers
humorous, indirect, and ambiguous as to whether speaker really wants an extended encounter. " you look just like my next girlfriend." or "is it hot in here or is it just you" (tend to be least preferred by both men and women)
Mark Knapp's Developmental Model of Relationships
illustrates how relationships tend to come together (first 5 stages), as well as how they tend to come apart (second 5 stages)
relationships( aka the interact or subsystem)
in a sense the basic unit of family systems is not the individual but the interact or relationship between any two individuals. We have a unique interact with each member of our family system theorists would say that if you want to be best understand interpersonal dynamics within your family, you cant see behaviors as belonging to an isolated individual but rather as behaviors eminating from "someone-in-relation-to-another"
families low in both conversational and conformity orientation
laissez- fair ----("hands off"). communication in these families reflects family members' lack of involvement with each other, and decision making is individual. Each family member is likely to make decisions fairly autonomously, without much input from other family members.
metacommunication
many of the conflicts we face have, at least in part, roots that trace back to the relational messages we exchange with other in our lives one way of "unearthing" these relational messages is by using the interpersonal tool....
the clasic illistration is a ____
mobile suspended from the ceiling. each of the objects are connected to the other objects by strings tied in such a way to keep the whole system in balance. tug on any string and the effect will be felt through the whole mobile
roles
not only do we learn rules to follow in our family systems,but we learn specific roles to play in relation to our family members ex. parents play opposite roles good cop. bad cop
families with high conversation orientation and low conformity orientation
pluralistic, communication in these families is open and restrained, with all the family members' contributions evaluated on their own merits. Because there is open discussion about decisions, it is hoped individual family members will be influenced by the overall conversation when making their own individual decisions.
attachment theory
posits that children develop bonds-either secure or insecure- with family members. Insecure attachment in childhood often leads to adults who are anxious about new relationships, uncomfortable with intimacy, and worried about losing relationships. In contrast children who grow up in secure family relationships tend to be more relationally confident adults who develop intimacy with other and maintain effective relationships with other
families low in conversation orientation and high in conformity orientation
protective, communication in these families emphasizes obedience to authority and the reluctance to share thoughts and feelings. The parents would most likely make the decision, and their word would be final.
a family unit is like that mobile. the strings in the analogy represent 3 key things
relationships (interactions) rules and roles that function to hold a family together status quo or stability ( whether healthy or dysfunctional)
Intimacy + Passion
romantic love
relational dialectics theory
scholars Leslie Baxter and Barbra Montgomery argue that communicators seek important but inherently incompatible goals in virtually all of their relationships. They believe that companionship (especially romantic) relationships face constant tensions as individuals try to manage contradictory forces at work within each of them and within the relationship
third most common strategy for coping with tensions
segmentation: this involves.......... different aspects of the relationship, so that some aspects accommodate one extreme while other aspects accommodate the other extreme Baxter found this to be the predominant strategy of partners to handle the openness/privacy and novelty/predictability tensions
4 types of opening references
self references other references relational references context references
2 theories of reward
social exchange theory equality theory
consummate love
sternberg points out that consummate love - is an ideal that's rare to achieve and challenging to maintain
love in romantic relationships: intimacy
the closeness and connections one feels in a relationship. Much of what we've described as immediacy plays in here :warmth, liking, mutual accessibility and trust. Using temperature as an analogy, Sternberg regards intimacy as the "warm" component of love
conversation orientation
the degree of openness a family has in discussing a range of topics Families high in conversation orientation interact freely often, and spontaneously. Members are encouraged to discuss a variety of issues and to voice their opinions In contrast, families low in conversational orientation view many topics as taboo, while others can only be broached in restricted manner. Members are less likley to engage in discussion or voice their opinion
conformity orientation
the degree to which a family enforces a uniformity of attitudes, values, and beliefs High conformity families manage communication in order to seek harmony and agreement, avoids conflict, foster interdependence, and gain obedience. They are often hierarchical, with a clear sense that some members have more authority than others Low conformity families communication is characterized by individuality, equality and independence. They tend toward less harmony and more conflict interactions, as the freedom, interests and growth of each individual member are more important than a sense of agreement or uniformity in the family as a whole
love in romantic relationships: passion
this involves physical attraction and emotional arousal, often including sexuality. This is the "hot" component of love.
love in romantic relationships: commitment
this is the rational, relational, side of love, involving decisions to maintain a relationship over time. This is love's "love" component
equality theory
we develop relationships in which the ratio of our rewards compared to the costs is equivalent (comparable, commensurate) to our partners
social exchange theory
we develop relationships that will enable us to maximize profits, relationships from which we derive more rewards than costs profits = rewards-costs
Applied to families in order to understand an individual within a family
we must consider how the individual relates with each member of the family (aka, subsystems) as well as the familys environment ( or suprasystem), such as the extended family, for the family's neighborhood/community, and the larger society
10. Terminating
~At this stage, the relational bonds between partners are broken. It typically begins when one or both partners say, "it's over," in so many terms ~When each or both partners go public with the split (thus, if married, separated, or divorced), they each begin reconstructing life as autonomous persons, including disentangling one's social network ~Partners go back to single labels, anf individual self-references "I & she" or "me and him" -- no longer "we" or "us" ~Partners may begin experiencing closure emotions... relief, grief, guilt, etc. (unless one is in denial or unwilling to psychologically let the relationship go) ~Partners will not often engage in "grave dressing"- retrospective attempts to explain why the relationship failed. The narrative each partner creates about " what went wrong" has an impact on how the couple will get along after their breakup ("We just weren't right for each other versus "He was too selfish and immature for a committed relationship)
initiating
~During the first stage you become aware of the other - you see (including seeing an online pic/video), hear, read a message from, or even smell the other - sometimes good, sometimes, not. ~Awareness usually gives way to nonverbal cues being exchanged (smile,eyebrow flash, nod, and then a conventional greeting ritual, such as handshake) as well as verbal communication... starting with opening references or opening lines, giving way to relatively brief and " safe" small talk. ~The goals in the first stage of a relationship are to show that you are interested in making contact and that you are the kind of person worth talking to ~First impressions begin to form immediately
8. Stagnating
~The excitement of the intensifying stage is long gone, and the partners behave toward eachother in old, familiar ways without much feeling. ~Novelty has completely worn off for one or both; the relationship feels stale. ~No growth occurs; relational boredom sets in. ~Growing discontentment, feeling trapped, or confined.
7. Circumscribing
~This stage involves a shrinking of interest and commitment- the opposite of what occurred in the integrating stage ~Partners share less time and physical contact ~Partners move back toward small talk with fewer self-disclosures ~Conflicts increase and are harder to resolve or go unresolved Rather than discuss a disagreement (which requires energy on both sides), members opt for withdraw - either mental (silence or daydreaming and fantasizing) or physical (people spend less time together)-- in other words, avoidance behaviors may begin here
6. Differentiating
~This stage is characterized by weakening bonds between partners ~This differentiating stage is the point where the "we" orientation that has developed shifts and more "me" messages begin to occur. We may begin to experience an increase in intrapersonal dissatisfaction ~Differences seem more obvious and significant ("We have nothing in common!") ~Tolerance towards the other decreases ("that used to be cute!")
9.Avoiding
~When stagnation becomes too unpleasant, parties in a relationship begin to indirectly ("I've been so busy lately") or directly ("please don't call me. I don't want to see you right now") create physical distance between each other. ~At this stage, normally, there is growing despair regarding the future of the relationship, and as a result, declining motivation to continue working at it
1. Intrapersonal repair
~You analyze problems and consider strategies to improve things ~You may consider changing your behaviors and or your expectations of your partners ~ You may evaluate rewards of continuing vs ending relationship. ~If you decide you're willing to continue you may commit yourself to it
2. Interpersonal Repair
~You discuss problems & possible solutions with your partner, as well as changes you want to see ~You negotiate new agreements, new behaviors, new ways of seeing the relationship. ~In this phase, you might seek outside help or advice from friends or family or consider pursuing professional counseling
