Chapter 7- Frienship

Friendship is...

- A voluntary, personal relationship, typically providing intimacy and assistance, in which the two parties like each another and seek each others company

Friendship Across the Life Cycle- Young Adulthood

- According to classic theory, young adults are in a stage in which they develop committed, enduring relationships - After university, they tend to interact with fewer friends but have deeper, more interdependent relationships with the friends they have

Who's Lonely? Interpersonal Behaviours

- Distress and desperation lonely people feel is shown in negative attitudes towards others. They mistrust others and judge them with suspicion - Their interactions are drab and dull. - Their passivity and low responsiveness is unrewarding or annoying to others - They don't self-disclose much so conversations are usually shallow and inconsequential- hard for them to seek intimacy

Friendship Across the Life Cycle- Midlife

- Dyadic withdrawal- occurs when people settle into romantic relationships. They see more and more of their lover and less and less of their friends- particularly their friends of the other sex. - Study found that people sent an average of 2 hours each day with good friends when they were casually dating someone, but saw their friends for 30 minutes or less per day once they became engaged- this doesn't't offset declines in the total number of friends they have - Hard on a marriage when a husband and wife don't have any friends in common/share friends - Spouses encounter more frustration and difficulty when they have no friends in common - Most common is to have no friends shared...

Loneliness

- Feeling of deprivation and dissatisfaction that emerges from a discrepancy/difference between the kind of social relations we want and the kind we have. - We want more or more satisfying connections with others than we presently have Loneliness has two different facets: 1. Social isolation- people are dissatisfied because they lack a social network or friends and acquaintances 2. Emotional isolation- people are lonely because they lack a single intense relationship - If we lack the kind of relationship we desire, we can be lonely despite having other quite rewarding social interactions. Ex: being single, you are lonely in the aspect that you want a husband - Loneliness depends on both our perceptions and our desires, and on mismatch between the amount of intimacy we want and the amount we have

Friendship Across the Life Cycle- Old Age

- Have smaller social networks than younger people do - They have just as many close friends, but spend less time with casual friends - The best explanation comes from *socioemotional selective theory- holds that because they're focused on the present instead of the future, elderly people seek quality, not quantity in their close relationships. (this also applies to those with AIDS, who know theyre not going to live long, they just try to enrich the quality of life instead of thinking about the quantity and future.)

Responsiveness

- Involve the attentive and supportive recognition of our needs and interests - We are drawn to those who lead us to feel valued, protected and understood - Perceived partner responsiveness- the judgement that someone is attentive, caring, and supportive is powerfully rewarding. This promotes intimacy, encourages self-disclosure, trust, etc.

Shyness

- Most of us have experienced shyness, over 80% of us. - It combines social reticence and inhibited interactive behaviour with nervous discomfort in social settings. - When people are shy, they worry about social disapproval and feel ill-at-ease in social situations - As a result, if they don't avoid an interaction altogether, they have in an inhibited, guarded fashion; they look at others less, smile less, speak less often and converse less responsively, and they may even stand further away. - They are scared of disapproval and doubting themselves, thus they adopt a cautious, relatively withdrawn style of interaction - By behaving in such a timid manner, shy people make negative first impressions on others that they were hoping to avoid in the first place - The timid and reticent behavior that characterizes shyness can seem aloof and unfriendly, thereby eliciting less warmth and acceptance from others. - Shy people may be more likely to experience neglect and rejection - Study done amongst shy and not shy people interaction, findings: shyness depended on the context in which the interaction occurred. Loud context- less shy. Quiet context-more shy.

The Rules of Friendship

- Rules for relationships are shared cultural beliefs about what behaviours friends should and should not perform - There are standards of conduct in friendships that can make or break those relationships Don't nag Keep confidences Show emotional support Volunteer help in time of need Trust and confide in your partner Share news of success with your partner Don't be jealous of each other's relationships Stand up for your partner in his/her absence Seek to repay debts and favors and compliments Strive to make him/her happy when you're together Source: Argyle & Henderson, 1984 - Women have high standards for their friends, they expect more loyalty, self-disclosure, enjoyment and similarity than men do

To Overcome Loneliness

- Seek new friendships, not romances - Watch out for sour attitudes. Stay positive - Patiently recognize that friendship takes time

Social Support

- Sensitive support from others reduces our stress and draws us closer to them, but some people are better providers of social support than others are. - People with secure attachment styles give more effective support than insecure people do. People generally more satisfied with the support they receive from those who are secure, rather than insecure attachment styles. - The best support meets our needs and preferences. - *And as a result, the best help is often invisible support that is provided without fanfare and that actually goes unnoticed by the recipient. - However, it's not what people do for us, but what we think they do for us that matters in the long run... ...and we perceive our partners to be more supportive when we are happy with them and securely attached to them. - Emotional support has real psychological effects: those with affectionate partners have chronically lower blood pressure, cholesterol levels, stress hormone levels. They also feel less pain when they submerge their arms in ice-cold water - Effective social support also leads people to feel closer to those who provide it - The amount and quality of sustenance we feel we receive is affected by both our partners characteristics and our characteristics. Also influenced by the quality of our relationship - People from Western cultures more likely to ask for help when needed. People from Eastern cultures generally more reluctant to ask for help

Individual Differences in Friendship

- Sexual orientation influences our individual social network - Most heterosexuals don't have gay, lesbian or bisexual friends but most GLB's do have straight friends - Interdependent self-construals= those who think of themselves as interdependent, rather than independent beings. These people understand others well and strive to benefit others so they make good friends.- This is more common in some parts of the world over others like amongst Westerners

Friendship Across the Life Cycle- Adolescence

- Teens spend less and less time with their families, and more and more time with their peers - They also increasingly turn to their friends for the satisfaction of important attachment needs Teens spend less and less time with their families, and more and more time with their peers. - As they grow older, adolescents gradually shift their primary attachments from their parents to their peers in a component-by-component fashion.

Coping with Loneliness

- The explanations lonely people use to explain their distress may help determine how long they stay lonely. - Loneliness may be intense and long-lasting when people think that their own enduring deficiencies are to blame. - Loneliness can be short lasting when they attribute their distress with unstable, short-lived influences rather than long lasting. Difference between an internal stable attribution...... "I'm lonely because I'm unlovable, and ill never be worth leaving" And an internal unstable attribution...."i'm lonely now, but i won't be for long. Ill attend some club meetings and meet some new people". - Internal unstable attributions are hopeful outlooks. Hopeful outlooks are more likely to cure loneliness than dour pessimism is

Friendship Across the Life Cycle- Childhood

- Toddlers play together cooperatively and take evident pleasure in each others company - They can be said to have rudimentary/primary friendships - Childrens cognitive development; as they age, children increasingly able to appreciate others perspectives and understand their points of view - Childrens friendships gradually become richer and more complex as they age - The sophisticated ways in which adults conduct their friendships are years in the making

Capitalization

- When others enthusiastically enhance our happiness by being excited when good things happen to us - We feel closer to those who excitedly enhance our happiness than to those who respond to our good fortune with apathy and indifference

Gender Differences in Same Sex Friends

- Women's friendships are characterized by emotional sharing and self-disclosure. Also they are "face-to-face" - Men's friendships revolve around shared activities, companionship, and fun. Also they are "side-by-side" - Men just as capable to become intimate in friendships with other men, they are just less willing as this intimacy is less socially acceptable among men- cultural norms and gender roles appear to be the main culprits

Who's Lonely?

1. Genetic influences: some people are born being more likely than others to experience loneliness in their life 2. Personality: higher levels of extraversion, agreeableness and conscientiousness reduces the chances that we'll be lonely 3. Higher levels of neuroticism increases chance 4. Insecure attachment: people with secure styles of attachment tend to be less lonely that those who are insecure 5. Low Self-esteem: people who don't have satisfying connections to others tend to not like themselves very much 6. Gender 7. Interpersonal behaviours

Friendship Across the Life Cycle- Adolescence- 4 components of attachment (PSSS)

Attachment theorists identify four components of attachment: 1. Proximity seeking- seeking closeness 2. Separation Protest- not wanting separation 3. Safe haven- turning to for comfort 4. Secure Base- daring new things with partner/parent.

Attributes of Friendship

Characterized by the 3 following themes: 1. Affection- friends like, trust and care for each other 2. Communion- friends provide reliable help and support 3. Companionship- friends are sources of recreation and fun

Who's Lonely? Gender

Chart: - Men: with a romantic partner 16.9 are lonely, without a romantic partner 31.2 are lonely - Women: with a romantic partner 20.2 are lonely, without a romantic partner 24.3 are lonely - Men more lonelier than women on average - However, this pattern does not pertain to androgynous men who possess expressive traits such as warmth and sensitivity. - It's more accurate to conclude that it is macho men, who are low in expressivity, who are dependent on women to keep from being lonely.

Measuring Loneliness- UCLA Loneliness Scale

Contains three different themes that produce high loneliness scores: 1. Isolation from others: "how often do you feel alone?" 2. Lack of close connections to others: "how often do you feel that no one really knows you well?" 3. Too little social connection to people in general: "how often do you feel that there is no one you can turn to?" - Because people do not like to admit that they're lonely as there is a stigma attached to it, the scale does not use the word "lonely".

Interpersonal Needs at Different Ages

Different interpersonal needs may be preeminent at different ages: - Acceptance during elementary school - Intimacy during middle school - Sexuality during high school (develop interest in other sexes)

Friendship Compared to Romances

Friendships are: - Less passionate - Less exclusive - Less confining, entailing fewer obligations to ones partner Romantic relationships are: - Fascination with ones partner - Sexual desire - Greater desire for exclusivity

Physiological Impacts on Loneliness

Loneliness matters. It has physiological effects that have direct impact on health. - Lonely people have higher blood pressure and weaker immune systems - Lonely people over the age 50 are more likely to die within the next 6 years than are those with richer connections - Loneliness can be short lived, ending in reunion or development of a new relationship - Loneliness is an example when one does not have a need to belong

Social Support in 4 different Forms

May come in 4 different forms: 1. Emotional support- in the form of affection and acceptance. Ex: reassuring one when they are nervous about an upcoming exam. 2. Physical comfort- in the form of hugs and cuddling 3. Advice support- in the form of information and guidance 4. Material support- in the form of money and goods. Ex: lending someone your car

Rich Friendships and Intimate Relationships

Still, the two involves: - Respect- we feel held high in regards. Commendable moral qualities, consideration for others, acceptance of others, honesty and willingness to listen. - Trust- think they have our best interests at heart. Those who do not fully trust their partner tend to be guarded and cautious and less content. Also: - Capitalization, social support and responsiveness