Family Dynamics Final Exam

Competitive and Control Talk

Frequently, we try to influence others ( go to the restaurant we want to, trying to win an argument) Parents grilling children about their grades or one partner asking the other where they've been, how they were with, and what they did Interruption: we were are inpatient and controlling we interrupt others to redirect the conversation where we want it to go Confirmation interruption: ensuring they are understanding correctly Unsupportive interruption: changing subject, disagreeing, or negating

Competitive talk and Control talk

Frequently, we try to influence others. Control talk is about influence and change. When we praise, lecture, direct, request, or suggest things to family members we are using control talk. Fight talk is usually in response to someone to respond pushing us to to do or believe something when we do not want to

Small talk

Topics usually focus on news items, the recent rainstorm, daily routines, something silly a child said, or what's for dinner. The purpose of this type of conversation is to build trust and establish bonds of connection

Routines require little commitment, while rituals require a lot of commitment.

True

Though interrupting is a type of competitive and control talk, not all interruptions are a sign of dominating and controlling communication

True

The Jones family always celebrates Christmas and Thanksgiving, but they never greet each other at the door or have meals togther. This could be an example of

Underritualization

Communication is a fundamental activity of life

We cannot avoid communicating. Communication is an essential and inescapable element of all relationships.

Cooperative Talk: Seeking Clarification

We don't always understand what someone else is trying to communicate We need to ask for clarification Not asking for clarification creates misunderstandings and assumptions. Help me understand I'm not sure in following you Can you say that again but in a different way Can you provide an example

Intimacy

low tolerance for intimacy in poorly differentiated families. The conflict that arises from intrusive attempts to maintain control and domination might completely squelch any kindness, generosity, or feelings of love.

Differentiation

to differentiate is to separate and become unique. This term is also used in biology and the idea is similar. differentiation levels have been linked to the family's ability to prepare and successfully launch its offspring

Marriage and Health

Married people get sick less often, sleep better, eat more regularly, drink less, and are less likely to smoke. Marriage is intimately connected to health. Pathways from Marriage to Health: Mattering - in individual's perception of how important they feel they are to others. Social Comparison- we observe how others act and behavior and tend to adopt some of the same (health) behaviors. Social Control - "explicit attempts of social network members to monitor, encourage, persuade, remind, or pressure a person to adopt or adhere to positive health practices." Behavioral guidance: the roles in which we fulfill shape how we behave Example: drinking decreases and eating health increases after a baby is born - being a parent changes their outlook on their own health. They need to around for their child. For guys being "whipped" instead of going out drinking with the boys they go to dinner with their girlfriend. Who we are to others provide us purpose and meaning -> behavior

Topical differences

Men and women communicate about different topics in causal conversation The primary small talk topics that both men and women seem to discuss sew money and work. Men frequently speak about leisure. Including sports, personal fitness, movies. Women talk about leisure, talk more about men than men talk about women.

_____ expect compliance in a conversation, while____ expect noncompliance and often use phases such as isn't it

Men, women

Meta Communication

Meta communication - communicating about communicating Example: why do you argue in that way Example: I was trying to support you, but it don't seem to work, so why is that? Aside - I don't like why questions. They can feel accusatory and can elicit defensiveness I say: help me understand that because I'm not getting it Meta communication is identifying second order processes that inform first order processes (e.g., communication

Cooperative Talk: Seeking Meaning

Mindful communication- we have a genuine curiosity about the other person and are not judgmental or thinking about how to respond We ask them to provide example, elaborate, and we genuinely try to understand their perspective on things There is no ulterior motive - we are not listening to respond, make a sarcastic comment, or tell an interesting story that happened to us Fosters emotional intimacy - discourse is responded to by interest and curiosity This is difficult to do

Individuality in Family

-Important to consider individuality and togetherness from a developmental perspective. -Infants are entirely dependent on family (extreme levels of connection and need). Gradually, children grow up and become increasingly independent ( cognition, regulation, coordination develop) - need others less Imaginary umbilical cord connecting children to their caregivers How families manage increasing capacity for independent (over long periods of time) shapes how well we manage in relationships

Internal fusion

. When family fusion exists, it is usually maintained by tension, anxiety, and even hostility. It takes high levels of energy (often negative energy such as control attempts, intimidation, cohersion, and even bullying) to keep family members connected and fused. This climate of tension and anxiety can have negative results for the inner well-being of the child. Sometimes when the anxiety and tension are chronic and high in family life, children have a difficult time learning how to separate their thinking world from their emotional world. When home life is charged with resentment, animosity, and bitterness, children seem to lose the ability to separate their emotions from their intellect. Children who are raised in a climate of family fusion have more difficulty separating their thinking world from their feeling world. In highly fused families, children are expected to become part of the collective, surrender personal identity, think and act like parents and other siblings or even grandparents, conform, and become absorbed into the family collective. Family conformity and fusion are often presented as the highest ideal or even a sacred family form.

Shop Talk

A form of small talk dedicated to what happens around the workplace Hanging out with colleagues casually can lead to talk about office politics, gossip etc

Rituals tend to involve more:

All of the above

According to Gottman, what does a harsh start predict

All of the porions are correct

Defining Chronic anxiety

Anxiety can be defined as a negative emotion that includes distress or uneasiness of mind caused by apprehension of danger or misfortune. All individuals and families encounter situations that create acute anxiety. It occurs whenever there are serious problems to be dealt with and whenever negative emotions such as despair, futility, inadequacy, inferiority, lack of fulfillment, discouragement, emotional hurt, or serious disappointments occur. Chronic anxiety occurs when uneasiness, distress, or apprehension endures for long periods of time. Usually the sources of chronic anxiety are difficult to identify, as are the original causes, and it is an underlying condition that persists and colors many different situations.

validating couples

Are quick to find ways to compromising and soothing each other. Help each other and find compromise a daily feature of their relationship

similarities of rituals and routines

Both are inherently relational processes involve more than one member of the family Both have behavioral manifestations. In other words, something is done or endeavor upon Rituals and routines are repeated and not a one-time occurrence Both remain consistent over time but are also subject to change Example Ritual: Every Friday night Lauren gets "brinner" while his parents eat steak as a couple without Lauren. As Lauren gets older and learns to drive she goes out to eat Friday instead of "brinner" Example Routine: As children get older their morning routines will expand to include bathing. Young children do not need to bath before school each day but adolescents certainly do

Intent nonverbal element of communication can convey three important messages

Can reveal our interpersonal attitudes toward the sender, toward the topic, or toward the situation. Tells the receiver how we feel about ourselves. Some of us have bad poker faces. Whether we are having a miserable or great day seem to be written on our foreheads. Focused on our interactions with others. We monitor the gaze and posture of others, looking for cues of when to end the conversation, when to let them have a turn when to laugh, and when to not respond

Kinds of Messages: Small Talk

Casual conversation about things that happen in daily life including weather, daily routines, what kids are doing what's for dinner Purpose is to build trust and establish bonds of connection Jumping ahead of small talk to deeper issues can feel intrusive Only being able to engage in small talk and not deeper, more important issues will keep relationships relationships shallow

Communication Is Essential In Families

Communication begins when people meet and through interactions, we create an individualized way of communication We have a dispositional way to communicating but also individualized way of communicating that is unique to relationship We learn to communicate through observing others ( Social learning theory )

Kinds of messages

Communication in close relationships could be organized into four types. Small talk, competition talk, control talk, meta communication, and cooperative or straight talk

Communication is more than just talking

Communication is the process by which meaning is created and managed

Types of communication

Communication styles that build stinger personal bonds, and the role of disclosure in important relationships.

Cooperative Talk: Seeking Congruence

Congruent messages: when the intent and content are attempting to communicate the same thing Saying I love you softy and kissing your partner on the forehead - highly congruent Incongruent messages: when the intent and content send mixed or opposing signals Saying I love you and you angrily slam the door after a fight Congruent communication is essential and incongruent communication can be passive aggressive

Competitive and Control Talk

Correcting and lecturing Giving unsolicited advice, over rehearing a conversation, or attempting to persuade people through giving a sermon or soliloquy Often done by parents, doctors, therapists etc Superlatives Adding in unnecessary and unrealistic language to make our point Examples: never, always Use language to assert being correct Generally reflects contempt and defensiveness in relationships

Parts of Communication

Covert and Overt Messages- think back to previous chapters ( content vs process ) Intent messages: usually concealed and harder to identify and determine Intent message are communication largely through non-verbals ( e.g., tone of voice, body posture )

Families often use triangulation to _______, however, they can avoid triangulation by ______

Create fusion; making them explicit and resolving negative emotional patterns

Gottman's Four Horseman of the Apocalypse

Defensiveness: typically a response to criticism; we create excuses and play the victim Stonewalling: usually a response to contempt: shuts down, dissociates and doesn't engage with partner. Pretending to be busy, not responding to text messages (Never fight over text or email, for the love of God) Criticism: An attack on your partner; threaten their core character A critique or complaint (healthy) are based on specific issues, not their overall being Contempt: intentionally treating others with disrespect, use of sarcasm, mocking. You believe to have moral superiority over your partner. A more extreme version of criticism Belligerence: added later: anger and aggression; provoking partner, likely manipulation

Communication is essential in families

Defined by verbal and non-verbal exchanges of information Communication allows individuals to express their needs, joys, and struggles Communication is need for conflict resolution and allows for guidance and feedback From communication comes shared meaning between family members

The ability to maintain emotional distance from other family members is ________

Differentiation

Differentiation of Self

Differentiation of self is influenced heavily by family of origin Highly differentiated parents create highly differentiated children Poorly differentiated parents produce low differentiated children Also influenced by culture, socioeconomic status, and other external factors

Individuality in Family

Differentiation of self: balance between independence and interdependence How connectedness and intimacy work in families We want to be more differentiated in adulthood but also remain connected to family Each family is different - connection looks differently for every family

Differentiation is a Power Tool in Family Life

Differentiation refers to appropriate separateness from one's family. The goal is to develop a differentiated self while remaining close (but not smothered) by one's family. When the goal of a family is to create a mass of undifferentiated members who have forgotten or never knew a special purpose that resides outside of their families of origin (think of the Borg), children do not thrive. families who know how to build differentiation allow individuals to express individuality and are still intimately connected Being differentiated does not mean that one disconnects from parents, nor does it imply rejecting the family's rituals, values, and beliefs. It does, however mean that the family allows children to become separated in a healthy and supported way as they grow into adulthood.

Individuality in Family

Disengagement: emotional and psychological withdrawal from other family members Rigidity does not allow for support and there is an over reliance on autonomy There is little contact with the outside world

Fusion in Families Creates Deep Problems

Early fusion has at least two possible outcomes. More effective families appropriately regulate the emotional climate in such a way that positive sentiment abounds: There are higher levels of trust, concern, confidence, and appreciation; children sense these emotions and respond to them positively. Within this supportive and more open climate, teenagers are more able to establish a clear and separate identity from their families of origin

The Importance of Communication

Effective communication is at the heart of understanding family strength. Conversely, when couples are experiencing relationship difficultly, it is often the communication style, content, and intent that one turn to for some understanding Communication is the largest single factor determine what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world

Development of Disorders

Emotional and behavioral symptoms manifest because distress exceeds the individual's and system's ability to manage it (e.g. differentiation) The person with the lowest level of differentiation and who is most socially isolated will absorb the system and distress and become symptomatic Genesis of problems: emotional fusion passed down from generation to generation

Emotional Cutoff

Emotional cutoff can appear to be resulted of high levels of differentiation Relationships are so intolerable, cutoff is the only option ( really low levels of differentiation) Cutoff can be calmly and rationally explained, but there is an unconscious distress This person denies the importance of his/her family Often boasts of his/her independence from family Has infrequent communications with family Displays an exaggerated facade of independence from the family

Lenor feels very close to her daughter Lizzy. Unfortunately, she has not been happy in her marriage. Sometimes she finds solace when she tells Lizzy how unfairly her husband, Lizzy's dad treats her. This dynamic is an example of:

Emotional triangulation

Chronic anxiety

Emotional undercurrents can occur when family members love deeply, with close bonds, and then feel betrayed, abandoned, deceived, or ignored. The solution is for families to find ways to deal with negative emotions such as resentment and disappointment so they do not lead to chronic ills in their system. Chronic family anxiety is a significant problem because it can lead to destructive emotional climates such as general feelings of animosity, malice, rancor, enmity, and hatred. Emotions such as these create seriously disabling processes in most families because they interfere with the most positive emotions that people seek (e.g., love, compassion, care, and nurturance). When families do not have chronic anxiety in their emotional system they do not overrespond to minor problems, and they can marshal their resources to cope with the problems effectively.

Emotional Triangles

Emotionally significant relationships involve third parties (friends, family, others) In triangles, there are two insiders and one outsider Many are subtle or even innocent Drive by anxiety Increases in anxiety can increase need for proximity, support, and closeness Increases in anxiety can decrease need for closeness, instead avoiding anxiety via emotional distance

Individuality in Family

Enmeshment: too much closeness that it impinges on each individual's autonomy Individual's orientation it towards other people needs and the family's need There are few boundaries Lack of privacy, need to consult others before making a decision, secrecy is unwelcome (e.g., over sharing is mandatory), little self-expression, or cannot have values or beliefs that differ from the families Guilt and shame are used to maintain homeostasis

Genogram are not the best tool to:

Explain and excuse current emotional reactions

Intimacy is very high in poorly differentiated families

False

Using a Genogram

Genograms can provide insights about the amount of differentiation occurring in families. One reason they are helpful is that patterns of fusion and differentiation are often carried from one generation to another. This usually provides insights about how some people have been more fused than others, and it can provide clues about a particular individual's fusion. It also helps people think about their differentiation as part of a larger pattern. Being a transitional character can change the direction of a family. Learning about these important principles means that you have the groundwork for the first step of any change process: You have the knowledge

Differentiated Families

Highly differentiate parents hold their own opinions and their opinions are not universal and instead situations specific Parents are not unduly influenced by their parents opinions - few power imbalances When there is conflict, each person handles it with whom they are in conflict with rather than bringing someone else in

Emotional cutoff

How people manage anxiety between generations Cannot tolerate another persons anxiety so they disengage from that person Personified in the reactive emotional distance we who is undifferentiated, yet appears independent and separate from the family

Shared Language Erosion

In many immigrant families, there is a tendency that, over time, parents and children do not speak the same language Parents speak their heritage language while their children are embedded in systems that speak only English (school, peers, activities etc) Children quickly gain proficiency in English and gradually lose their heritage language, especially being able to write in HL. Parents are much slower in picking up English Children can lose connection to their family members and culture Distinct inability to communicate, especially about stressful situations. Separate from acculturation

Which one is not a good way to manage rituals?

Introduce as many rituals as possible to ensure family cohesion

Communication

Is at the heart of expressive family process. Remember that family processes are straggles that families use to achieve goals, maintain ideological focus, and cope with life's changes and turbulence Communicating is a fundamental activity of life. We communicate about who we are, our dreams, our goals, and what we think is good or bad.

Shop talk

Is really small talk that happens at or about the workplace. Often when we meet with friends or colleagues who work with us, we talk about office politics, work related issues, and events related to employment

you cannot not communicate

It is impossible to avoid communicating with those in your would. Even if you decide you will never speak to someone again, that is still a type of communication. The point of communication is a fundamental aspect of relationships; it is the way in which we discover each other, define relationships, and define who we are. We cannot avoid this important family process.

Communication is Essential in Families

It is impossible to not communicate- we are also exchanging information There is always an exchange of information happening- verbal and non verbal Even if someone is not present, that send a clear message Family Rule- you must support your family and drop everything if there is a crisis. Not showing up when a crisis occurs speaks volumes to your family

Individuality in Family

It's impossible for families to bd completely individualistic and completely collectivistic Occurs in spectrum Thus far we have talked almost exclusively about family level process. Families can be too close (enmeshed) Too little individuality Families can be too individualistic (disengaged) Too much individuality

Applying these Strategies in Your Own Life

It's unrealistic to always use these behaviors Conversations inherently have a back and forth We get can reactive ( talking about politics with THAT uncle) Some people are narcissistic and don't reciprocate (one-way street) Some things don't require these types of interactions

Competitive and Control Talk

Non sequitur- when there is an illogical change of subject where one idea does not logically follow another Example: when fighting, one partner drawing a conclusion that is not logically supporting by the evidence and information presented Example: A couple is fighting and partner A is upset about parenting differences and partner B

Confirmation interruptions

Occur when one seeks clarification, agrees with what is being said, or supports what us being discussed Some interruptions, however, are not supportive. They are meant to change the subject, disagree, and disconfirm what is being discussed.

Interrupting

Often when we are impatient and controlling, we interpret the other person and try to redirect the conversation to go in the direction we want. Sometimes we become so unaware that we interior one another that it seem like a natural thing to do I. Conversations Not all interruptions are a sign of dominating and controlling communication, only sins kinds are.

Individuality in Family Members

One of the key tasks of parenting is the process of encouraging and fostering personal individuality. families whose primary theme is to ask family members to surrender all they are individually and become subsumed into the collective of the family. These highly "enmeshed" families have constructed a family paradigm of beliefs, rules, rule sequences, and values that has as a core theme the idea that the family collective is more important than the strength and well-being of the individual.

Types and kinds

One way to begin to understand the various colors in the prism of communication is to explore other facets of the communication process Couples reported an average of 22 conversations per week (about three per day) with each being about 20 to 30 minutes long. Of course, the length of time spent conversing with our partners is influenced by work schedules, number of children in the home, and the age stage of family. Couples who reported higher levels of martial satisfaction spent more time together at home and talking about personal topics

Three ways problems Develop

Overt conflict between people (most likely parents) Individual symptomology (mental, physical, or relational illness) Family projection process: triangulate on child

Dealing with invisible Loyalites

Part of these patterns is obligations that are deeply felt emotional ties. These include such things as indebtedness, basic duties, and a sense of ethical responsibility. . The ledger is a balance sheet of obligations and rights, debts and credits that accumulate over time. In more effective families, family members tend to balance the ledger with justice in the exchange of debts and obligations. Sometimes, however, the justice comes too slowly, or it is insufficient and there is too great an accumulation of injustices.

Differentiation of Self

People with a poorly differentiated self depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that either they: Quickly adjust what they think, say, and to please others or They dogmatically proclaim what others should be like and pressure them to conform Bully: attempts to force others to fuse with their opinions Chameleon: fuses their beliefs and opinions with others Rebel: routinely disagrees and pretends to be differentiated

Poor differentiation

Poorly differentiated families express a lower tolerance for the uniqueness of the individual family members. undifferentiated families are so intrusive they might insist on opening everyone's mail, not letting children play behind closed doors, and forcing family members to participate in all family activities.

Undifferentiated Families

Poorly differentiated parents tend to have martial issues ( overly enmeshed or disengaged ) Diffuse anxiety through other members of the family (e.g., complaining) Reactions are impulsive rather than intentional and reflective Struggle to handle their own anxiety over big and small things > seek others out Seek out other people to form alliances against another when there is conflict

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN RITUALS AND ROUTINES

Rituals are highly symbolic events and behaviors while routines have little meaning Learning to drive is a major sign of independence, "giving you child away" at a wedding is a sign that their partner is the primary attachment figure, and a bar mitzvah is a rite of passage into adulthood Symbolism: a specific behavior (first order process) being representative of a larger, more abstract process (second order - can be family specific or related to culture) There tends to be great preparation for rituals but very little if any for routines.• Rituals is not simply symbolic behavior (throwing caps in the air at graduation) but everything that leads upto it

CREATING RITUALS AND ROUTINES

Rituals are passed down from cultural traditions and can include holiday celebrations and religious activities What are some examples that you all do in your families Families can create their own rituals that are passed down Opening a gift on Christmas eve - no an Irish tradition nor is it episcopalian Every year for your anniversary going back to the restaurant of your first date• First song that you dance to at your wedding or preparing vows What rituals have you all created within your family

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN RITUALS AND ROUTINES

Rituals involve emotion because they become a part of the family's identity while routines have little to no emotion involved Example: Weddings, funerals, birth of a child ect Routines encompass very typical behavior that is seen in everyday life but rituals have behavior that is not found in everyday life Giving presents for birthdays is a ritual - you don't get present in everyday.

BUILDING AND MAINTAINING FAMILY RITUALS

Rituals: special things that a family routinely does that contain symbolic meaning Examples: Black Friday Shopping with mom I got to open one gift on Christmas eve each year as a child Routines: day to day patterns that tend to occur and they tend to be more ordinary Wake up, bathe, eat, go to school/work

Differentiation

The ability to maintain appropriate emotional distance from other family members, is a key skill in successful family life. To differentiate means to appropriately separate, segment, and make different

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN RITUALS AND ROUTINES

Routines provide a function or something that needs to be achieved to keep the family functioning whereas rituals are more about identity Routines generally require little thought and become automatic over time. There is less commitment (particularly interpersonal commitment) to routines (e.g., I can shower at night or int the morning) Routines can change fairly easily without much conflict; however, changing rituals can be incredibly distressing

conflict-avoiding couples

Run from conflict and rarely struggle together with the daily challenges of life.

Competitive and Control Talk

Sarcasm and cutting humor - a veiled attempted at disrespecting someone that is disguised as humor Distancing- instead of fighting with someone, we create barriers Martyring- more specific type of distancing strategy there is an aspect of manipulation. The individual engages in a behavior that is intended to elicit care from the other person Often takes a remark out of context

Cooperative Talk: Appropriate Self Disclosure

Self-Disclosure: revealing personal information to others that would not have been otherwise known Self- Discourse increase overtime. Generally, people start with small details that they would likely tell many people. Over time, and as people are responsive, self-disclosure gets more and more intimate Even in long-standing marriages, you don't self disclose everything

marraige and health

Self-esteem: performing relationship tasks well shapes our own beliefs about ourselves If we are satisfying our partner then that makes US feel good If we are not satisfying our partner then that makes us feel terrible (remember the projects in couple therapy - this is the fix yourself or fix your partner) Belonging and companionship: feeling accepted within your primary and secondary social networks (and marriage) elicits positive affect In families you can feel different, not fully accepted, or scapegoated. Support: You can seek out social capitol in times of distress that can alleviate psychological and physiological dysregulation.

Intent communication

Sends a message about the sender, the topic, or the situation Communicate to the receiver how we feel about ourselves of feeling in the moment Monitoring interactions with others We can quickly gauge the quality of a relationship based on the communication patterns

Love lanuages

Successful couples provide the love languages their partner wants and receive it in the way they want, even if the needs of each individual are different. Words of Affirmation: Using complements and expression appreciation. Physical Touch: Holding hands, playing with hair ect. Acts of Service: Doing something for your partner they don't like to do Gifts: Buying things (big or small) as tokens of affection Quality Time: providing undivided attention

Each time a new friendship or relationship is formed, our ways of communicating and interacting change and adapt

The changes are not apparent and most of the time we do not talk about how we communicate to each other; the patterns just seem to unfold. Some have suggested that this is unfolding is like peeling back the layers of an onion (and sometimes we even cry).

Family projection process

The child who is the object of the projection process becomes the child most attached to the parents and has the least differentiation of self Other children who are not the focus will have greater differentiation of self Explain sibling differences (favorite child vs scapegoates

Intent messages

The most powerful kinds of messages we send are the intent or convert messages Intent messages are usually more concealed, not obvious, but implicit and hidden from view. The covert intent messages we send are much more subtle and harder to define than over messages Intent messages are carried in our tone on voice and things like the small sighs that slip out and the way our eyebrows curl down and tell the receiver we disapprove

The 5 to 1 Ratio

The ratio of competitive and control talk to cooperative or straight talk was much more important in predicting martial break up than was the overall style is the communication

family fusion

The term family fusion (for our purposes here) refers to a situation within a family within which the patterns, rules, rule sequences, and family paradigm conspire together to negate family members' individuality.

Harsh start up

The tone and intent of the way we begin conversation ms is a sign of relationship strength. When we lead out with harsh, negative, and bitting comments it is a sign our relationship is weaker. Each contact with our partner is a new encounter. We sometimes believe that our encounters with our Close family members are continuous. Many of the defining moments of our lives can be traced to the impact is first encounters

Chronic Family Anxiety

There are at least two facets of inner family life that help us understand how family fusion operates. When there is family fusion there is a low tolerance for intimacy and individuality and there are usually higher levels of conflict, animosity, and anxiety. Often in fused families there are coalitions, teams, and partnerships who band together to effect some desired outcome. This topic is covered later and is labeled emotional triangles.

The parts of communication

There are two fundamental elements of communication: convert and overt messages The word overt means obvious, explicit, observable, and visible. The content element of a message is the report part of the message. It is the explicit and obvious raw data of the message, often sent in words

Gender and Communication

There tends to be gender differences in terms of communication For women... Communication is the building block of relationships. The idea of talking builds relationship in its own right. For men... Communication is more deliberate and used settle a problem, achieve an objective, or develop a plan. Used to accomplish something Men bond by doing things together rather than communicating

Cooperative Talk: Reinforcing

This is a process where you encourage people to keep taking Verbals: Umm humm Non-Verbals: Nodding head This communicates that even through the content may not be of great importance, the fact it's important to them and we are paying attention sends a deeper message: we care

Emotional Triangles

Three people isn't necessarily a triangle Healthy group of three people Interact independently Each person has their own opinions Third parties don't get triangulated, they take positions based on their beliefs and are not influenced by other's behavior or anxiety Most individual and relational problems are a result of unhealthy triangles

Which of the following is not a helpful strategy in building a stronger relationship

Timely undoing unsuccessful interactions

Results of fusion

When a person grows up in a fused family within which anxiety and hostility are used to promote conformity and fusion, children have difficulty with effective problem solvingand have trouble with emotional regulation. They are more likely to have explosive tempers and bouts of depression, and less likely to form high levels of prosocial behaviors (like reaching out to help others).

Emotional Triangles

When insolvable conflict occurs one or both will turn to someone ( for something ) else for sympathy -Freezes conflict -Undermines relationship Triangles provide temporary relief Unsolvable conflict may also draw in a third person -Can be temporary (until it is resolved) or become fixed (needed for functioning) -Each dyadic relationship is based on the behavior of the third person Triangles decrease anxiety between the two parties on conflict Spreads anxiety throughout 3 (or more) people

Seeking Meaning

When we seek meaning, we listen carefully, non judgmentally, and without thinking about what we want to say next Listening with intent of seeking meaning means we are studying and learning from the sender. We ask the other person to expand his is her thoughts, explore ideas, and express opinions.

Communication begins when people meet and begin to establish a relationship

With each person in our world, we a private and somewhat individualized message system. As we become more involved and committed to a particular relationship, the rules and patterns of interaction take on a richer texture and fuller meaning.

Message clarity

Wives send clearer messages to husbands Husbands tends to give more neutral messages. A neutral message has an unclear or absent emotional or affective tone attached. Wives send more messages with some affective or emotional tone

Gender in Communication

Women think their marriages are stronger and working better when there is plenty of dialogue and exchange about the relationship. For men when communication turned to topics of relationship and martial evaluation, they felt the relationship was much more likely to be in trouble When problems arise, women usually respond with more understanding; men tend to give advice and try to solve the problem A primary goal for women in relationships is to design their communication styles so that it helps them avoid isolation.

Directness

Women usually approach conflict indirectly. This means they will try to solve the situation and possibly take some type of conflict reducing measures that their partners do not recognize Men ask, demand seek closure, and stipulate. Men expect compliance, especially when talking to a women

Primary communication goal of most ____ is maintain intimacy and avoid isolation, while the majority of ___ strive to pressure independence and avoid failure.

Women, men

volatile couples

arguing and fighting are frequently, everyday events.

Which goal of rituals and routines include families creating continuity, solidarity, and intergeration?

creating healthy family emotinal ties

Forgiveness and reconciliation

forgiveness is a process. When you choose to forgive you know longer key track of someone wrong doings. receonocilation choosing to move forward.

regulating Distance

implies that families can be too close (Borg-like assimilation) and they can be too disconnected (every person for himself or herself).

Meal times, getting ready for the day, having a nighttime routine, etc,. are examples of family goal of rituals and routines?

order and predictability

connectedness

our experience with family connectedness begins early in our lives. We all are strongly connected to what happens in our families in early life, but the climate or tone of the family environment predicts whether or not we can build our own identity separate and apart from that of our parents and early family members.

The Benign Assumption

to combat the potential effects of negativity and chronic anxiety in families is to develop an emotional climate that has a benign tone. to combat the potential effects of negativity and chronic anxiety in families is to develop an emotional climate that has a benign tone The application is, of course, to somehow break through the habitual overreactivity that too many families develop. They seem to be awash in a malignant assumptive world, filled with threat, anxiety, and unresolved anger.

Riturals and routines are either passed down as parts of a cultural tradition, and/ or are created by families on their own?

true

Family strength

when families create a climate of increasing independence in their children. The opposite situation is where families have little or no tolerance for individuality and instead demand conformity and compliance at any cost. Usually, to achieve this domination in children, overconnected parents create a climate of chronic anxiety, animosity, distrust, and conflict.